Friday, March 13, 2009

One more chart

Let me just say that condoms are more than just something to blow up as balloons at a bachelorette party. They should be used every time for as long as you don't want to be pregnant OR diseased. STD's are more volatile now more than ever, and sometimes your partner doesn't even know that what they have is a STD. Sometimes his balls itch, how is he supposed to know that he actually has a male HPV or herpes? Not everyone understands infection and not all infections are immediately understandable. So do yourself and your junk a favor and wrap it before you use it. Okay?!

This chart shows the prices of condoms in different countries and cities. Just something to think about.

Always,
Your Kinseyette

Simple and true

Just a little something to make you smile!

Always,
Your Kinseyette

normalcy please

Here is an email I just got:

What about stupid, awkward boys? Can we talk about that? The ones that avoid you for absolutely no reason, even after you've leveled the playing field. ... they suck. I'm sorry I couldn't go home with you ONE night. ONE. But when I return the question and you've moved on, I call that even. No hard feelings. Stop being awkward. I DON’T CARE. Why do they think we care so much after it's obvious we're even? I kicked your ego. You kicked mine; let's go back to normalcy, PLEASE!

Children, it has finally come the time to talk about relationships. Yes, you heard me; we are going to delve into some of the more idiot moves of the men and women who are trying to find happiness together.

Girl, it seems to me like there are some serious misunderstandings going on right about now. You didn’t go home with this guy one night and now that awkward stage of what-the-fuck-are-we-friends-or-can-we-still-try-this-going-home-thing is occurring all around you.

Firstly, you are completely correct, his ego has been shit on. IT ISN’T YOUR FAULT! People need to learn to deal with rejection and bounce back from it, especially when it comes to dating and relationships. If we get hung up on every rejection we will never get anywhere. Look at you! You have bounced back. He is the one who is deflated on the floor.

Men, if a girl turns you down once, don’t assume that this means she is never going to want to go home with you or that she doesn’t want to spend that very night in your bed. I mean, don’t get me wrong, please don’t ask her over every night or stalk her at the palms, but you never know what is really going on in her life right now. There may be a complication or drama that you don’t even want to remotely get involved in and she is trying to spare you from it. All of this goes for you ladies as well. Both men and women need to think from the perspective of the other to help everyone understand what the fuck is going on.

So he moved on, you moved on, and things aren’t normal because…? It’s incredibly difficult sometimes for some people to deal with embarrassment. For me personally, it’s probably the hardest thing to get over. It seems from what you have told me that he either is playing a game with you or he has an issue with the embarrassment associated with rejection.

You got to think if he is going to take something that miniscule so seriously, then maybe he had some sort of feelings towards you. If that was the case, give him time and space to get over it. It is always way harder to deal with things when feelings are hurt.

And now on to the games we play. Games are old and outdated, yet we all feel the need to play them constantly. It was only a few short weeks ago that Dakota told me not to text a boy so that I can play one of these games with him. What did I end up doing? I called him. I walked back to my room and I called him. I made my own rules. Was she right? Well, as of right now this boy and me are in no way dating, but I don’t thank that has to do with my calling patterns.

Since the release of the book, film, and copycat publications of “He’s just not that into you,” women and men alike are realizing that games are becoming more and more painful and destructive. Yes, there is a time when being coy or keeping secrets is cute and adorable, but eventually you just have to admit you have a crush and let yourself either fall in love or get kicked in the ass and left on the curb. Either way you have an ANWER and the AWKWARDNESS that is a close cousin of SILENCE has no way of existing.

If he is playing a game with you, don’t play back. It is only a matter of time before he gets off his high horse and starts walking beside you again. You just have to let him know, in your own personal way, that you haven’t nor will you ever use anything against him. In other words, you have to have him realize that you really don’t care. How do you do this? Act normally around him. Send him a text, have him meet you for lunch somewhere. Talk about normal things and show him that there IS INFACT a friendship to salvage. If it’s worth it, it’s worth it.

If that doesn’t work, let him know somehow that everything really is okay. That normalcy can be achieved. My advice, in short, is talk. Communicate. You don’t ever have to bring up the rejection or the subsequent reversal of the table, you can start a new chapter right here, right now. Start a new book if you want, just start over.

Anything else let me know, and keep me updated.

Always,
Your Kinseyette

Average PENIS size PREFERENCE: according to women

A new email: Vaginismus

Here is an email I JUST received in my inbox:

Dear Kinseyette,

I have recently discovered your blog, and I find it very interesting to read. I do have an issue that if possible I would like you to address, however if you have previously addressed this in your blog I apologize; I have not read through all of your earlier postings, and if that is the case, could you please refer me to what date to look at? Thank you.

On to my question...I am 21 years old and have been with my boyfriend, "J," age 20, for a little over a year. We were both virgins until last summer when we had sex. Long story short, after not being able to have sex for literally ten seconds before I was in excruciating pain, lots of experimentation with various lubes and positions, and a visit to the gynecologist, I discovered that I have Vaginismus. I have been using the prescription cream Estrace for some time now, and we have gotten up to about 4 minutes of straight (albeit very slow, and very shallow) relatively pain-free sex, but we are obviously hoping to improve. Let me just say that J has been nothing but supportive and wonderful throughout this whole ordeal, so I definitely have his patience working in my favor. We have had the most luck in the missionary position, as in any "girl on top" position my vagina literally rejects his penis. Lubes tend to give me a burning sensation, so for now we are using Vaseline, which has been working pretty well. (We know not to use it with condoms, and I am on the Pill, and neither of us has even come close to orgasm during sexual intercourse.) My doctor also recommended that I be fully relaxed and stimulated before we begin intercourse, which we have been very faithful at doing. Although we have definitely come a long way from where we started, our progress is still incredibly slow and I have never had an intercourse experience without any pain. I was hoping you could recommend some techniques for us to help us have sex like normal people? One more thing, my doctor did also suggest using dilators, however this option does not appeal to me in the least. Any help you could give me would be much appreciated.

Thank you, and happy writing.

Sincerely,
Your reader


So, reader, I am very very glad you wrote in today. I really appreciate you taking the time to write this, and I am more than fully prepared to answer all of your questions.

Firstly, for all of you who don’t know what she is talking about, Vaginismus is a condition in which there is a tightening of the entry of the vagina. This can indeed make intercourse painful and in some cases completely impossible. There are many causes and many treatments for this condition, and it seems like you have done all the research physically possible at the time being. It must feel very lonely and confusing right now, but I am glad you have organized some options.

You stated that you didn’t want to use dilators. I don’t blame you! Sticking something ELSE up there just isn’t a very pleasant thought, no matter what the situation is.

Before I even begin, I just want to say something to all of the women who are currently experiencing vaginal pain during intercourse. No matter how much you want, love, or need the man you are with, do not EVER think that it is a good idea to grit and bear the pain in an attempt to get him off. You can cause permanent damage or make your condition worse. With that in mind, you should know the basics.

Firstly, I just want to go over some of the causes of Vaginismus. There is a whole group of sex scientists and therapists who believe that this condition may indeed stem from an original issue. This issue can either be a traumatic experience, previous pain during intercourse, or even a bad body image. Our bodies sometimes do things that we think are accidental or awkward, but in reality there is usually a reason behind the wreaking of havoc.

Sit down one day and think if this may be your issue as well. I know you said you were a virgin before you and your boyfriend decided to try intercourse, so your problem is probably not a previous traumatic sexual experience. Because of this, you should just think about how you (I know this may sound strange, but follow me) think about your vulva and vagina. If you don’t know what you think about it, I am going to prescribe to you a little experiment that is sure to open your eyes a bit.

Sit in front of a mirror or grab a hand-held compact. Oh yes dear, you heard me! I really want you to get down and dirty with yo bad self. I want you to look at your vulva and vagina, and see what it looks like. Put a little lubricant on your finger and gently massage the opening of your vagina. If your body allows it, try inserting one finger, two, and so on until you are gently (and slowly) slipping at least one finger in easily. Your body should react less to your own touch as it does to the touch of your boyfriend. If you can do this on a REGULAR (yes, regular) basis, you will be FAR better off when it comes to the main event with your main man.

Until you can do this to yourself and do it to the point that it is pleasurable instead of painful, you should call off sex for a few weeks. I have some other ideas of things you can try in the meantime, however!

If you want to get some bump and grind contact without the bump, try the grind! That’s right; make your vulva the bun to his hotdog. Get on top, lubricate the shaft of his penis and the inside of your labia and vulva, and grind yourself up and down his erection. Chances are one or both of you will get off and there will be no pain associated with insertion. For your own personal information and research, this form of getting off is called femoral intercourse.

If you can learn to achieve orgasm by using femoral intercourse, then only good things can happen. As soon as this act becomes natural, your vagina will eventually teach itself to relax and sooner than you think actual vaginal intercourse will be possible.

You said in your question that you and your boyfriend have been practicing foreplay techniques religiously. This is SO good to hear, as this can be the biggest issue and cause of vaginal pain during intercourse. Since you didn’t go into detail on your techniques (and I don’t blame you!) I am going to shoot you some myself.

You should have your boyfriend use the Vaseline you have been using (I am glad something is working okay for you) and to use it to massage your vaginal opening much like how you should be practicing doing it to yourself. After the massage becomes successful and pleasurable, allow him to insert one finger up to the first knuckle and gently swirl his digit inside of you. This gently movement is incredibly sexy and further teaches your vagina to relax.

Most of your problems are probably related to your need of relaxation. Try a breathing tape or take a nap before the act, anything that can help you take a deep breath. If bathtubs are your thing, try this with some lavender in your tub with your boy. The water will feel great on your bits, and he will have a whole tub of natural lubricant to work with.

Another option is to buy three dildos. In a book I am currently reading, they offer up the website Touchofawoman.com to provide for these dildos. By starting out small and working your way up (over the course of a few weeks), you will be, again, training your vagina to accept the penis instead of rejecting it.

After you feel good with the dildo, try using the real thing. Use the same process of assimilation and have your partner only put a little bit in at a time until his whole shaft is in. This needs to be done often and over the course of more than just a few days. You may have tried this already, but you should try is again and over a longer period of time. Vaginal training isn’t as easy as dog training. What can I say? Pussies are way more temperamental!

One of the top experts in vaginal sex discomfort has suggested using fresh olive oil as a healthy and natural form of lubrication. Try it and see if it works. You can warm the oil between your hands and let the sensation sizzle.

You want to try to be on top? The issue with this is that you are putting a lot of pressure on your vaginal canal whereas during missionary your partner can control the speed and depth of insertion. If you want to try this on top, please do! Try putting just the tip in and moving your hips around with him inside of you. Try anything to help reveal the pressure.

Most importantly, do not forget to breathe. Be more confident! Do not be discouraged. Even if you think that you are being as confidant as you can be, there is always one more step to try to reach.

You are beautiful, you are wonderful, and there is absolutely nothing strange about your condition. Modern statistics say that about 20% of sexually active women experience Vaginismus. There is no easy cure and it may take more work than either you or your partner is willing to do, but it is worth it always.

Since I do not know your personal experience more thoroughly, I have found some really important websites I want you to visit. This one, at http://www.vaginismus.com/vaginismus-treatment, has a 10-step program for treating your Vaginismus. The treatment includes understanding Vaginismus and its own personal cause inside of you. It also incorporates all of the assimilation techniques and vaginal training ideas I have already shared with you. It is helpful and more personalized and I hope it can help with you.

If you need anything else please let me know, and keep us updated on your progress!

Always,
Your Kinseyette

even MORE about bedazzlement

Since Carrie had written me about her new special piercing, I figured that it would be a good time to educate all of you readers about female genital piercing, including the reasoning behind them, styles, and the pain or pleasure associated with them.

Firstly, women and men can get genital piercing. For right now I am only going to be talking about vulva, clitoris, labia, and other sorts of lady piercings. Penis, scrotum, and guiche piercings are a whole different topic for a completely different day.

So many of you reading may be asking yourself right now, what would posses a girl to go and get her secret spot exposed and then harpooned. Though each girl’s reason getting a piercing is personal, in general the most common responses are that it makes their bits sparkly (i.e. more attractive) and that it greatly increases sexual pleasure. Moreover, many women report that genital piercings give them a particularly strong sense of pride in their vulvas, a sort of ownership that had never previously been experienced.

Before I can even talk about the reasons behind female genital piercings I should probably tell you about the different types of these experiences. Each area of interest has its own personality and side effects, therefore one should thoroughly study ALL types before a decision on locale can be decided.

One big factor in choosing which genital piercing you can get is your own personal anatomy. For some women, their vulvas just don’t have skin where skin needs to be, or anatomically a certain piercing will just be plain unattractive. After earning about the different types of piercings, you should go to a PROFESSIONAL piercer and ask him or her to check out your bits. They can then tell you which piercings you're built for and then you can make a well-informed decision, taking all precautions and prerequisites into mind.

Ok, so now onto the piercings. Firstly, I should tell you that when most people talk about “clit” piercings, they are more likely than not talking about clitoral hood piercings. The clitoral hood is the small (but in some women quite large) bit of skin that sits on top of the clitoris, protecting it from outside intruders and making it so that its owner isn’t constantly stimulated (an evolutionary anatomical mistake, if you ask MY opinion). There are several different types of clitoral hood (CH) piercings, and each is chosen by what the owner wants, aesthetics, and of course, anatomy.

The most anatomically fitting, stimulating, and fast-healing genital piercing there is the Vertical Clitoral hood piercing (VCH). This is the piercing Carrie got, and there is no wonder this is the one she decided to get. The VCH runs vertically (hence V) through the clitoral hood (and the CH). There is a picture of it at the bottom of Carrie’s post if you need some help understanding the directions.

Horizontal clitoral hood piercings are placed horizontally through the hood (so there are TWO holes made through the hood) and are more specific to anatomy. It is hard for some people to have enough clitoral hood skin to receive the horizontal hood piercing. This piercing also has less to do with clitoral stimulation as it does with appearance and vanity. In other words, you get a vertical hood for the pleasure, and the horizontal for the looks.

The Christina piercing is a surface piercing that does not exist to supply any sort of pleasure. This piercing is located on the mons pubis and usually consists of a barbell.

The Isabella piercing is a very long piercing that starts from the top of the vulva through under the clitoral hood. It is for those who enjoy the appearance of the Christina but who enjoy the clitoral stimulation of the VCH piercing. But like I said, this is a very very long piercing and is seriously painful, since you are going through a lot (and I mean a lot) of skin. You should really think before getting this, but if it is what you want, you should absolutely go for it.

Then there is the princess Albertina. This piercing is not only dangerous, it is damaging. Please don’t get this, even if you are hell bent. Any piercing that goes through the urethra is not only hard to heal but it can cause damage to your urine stream. Just think long and hard, and don’t make this decision based on friends or a movie you saw.

Lastly, there is the clitoris. An actual clitoral piercing is not only rare, but it can be dangerous. There is a chance or loosing all sensation when you get this piercing, and let me tell you, sometimes that just aint worth it! The upside? If the piercing is successful the rewards are incredibly stimulating. You should only get this done by a very VERY professional peircer (as with all piercings) and you can only get it if you have enough clitoral gland to actually pierce.

So now that you know all the dirt on jewels, I hope you can make a more informed decision on your own personal pleasure spot piercings!

Have fun ☺

Always,
Your Kinseyette