Cum and tasty-- Mutually exclusive?

So here’s an email I got from my dear girl Lexi:

Dear Kinseyette,
My roommate and I got to talk the other night about this topic. She was eating pickles and said; "I heard pickles make your vagina smell good". Now I have heard before that food makes guy's cum smell and taste different depending on foods they eat, but I have never heard that about a girl's parts before. Is it true that pickles make your vagina smell good? Do foods affect the way our vagina smells and does it also affect the taste of our cum? Please let me know what you find out on this topic.
Much love,
Lexi!

Ladies (and gents) it is about time I got down to business (if you pardon the pun). The business being, obviously, vaginas, penises, secretions, and semen.

This first bit of news is a bit sad: want to get your spunk to be less spunky? You got to cut down on all of your ever-so-enjoyable vices. That’s right, cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, even unhealthy foods all affect the way you taste down there. The most common word-of-mouth (again with the puns!) is that vegetarians taste and smell the best.

The good part is that it is easy to add a little sweetness to your sweet parts. The rumor is true: pineapples are your friend, especially when you want your after-dinner-desert to involve more than whipped cream and strawberries. Pineapple raw, juiced, even canned can increase the sweetness of your juices. The affect wears off within 12 hours, so eat it a little while before the act, and then get yo ass down to what’s important! Take wheatgrass shots when you’re at jamba juice, eat fruits, celery, and drink lots of water!! This goes for men and women equally.

When it comes to foods to stay away from, use your head: you know how when you eat onions or garlic you can smell it come out of your pores when you wake up the next morning? The same goes for your between-the-thigh secretions. Onions, asparagus, even curries can affect the way your cum tastes. And let me tell you, no one likes a curry cum surprise.

Thanks to a helpful website I discovered, here’s a little recipe for a special “super spunk smoothie:”

1 cup pineapple, fresh or canned

1 banana, frozen

1 cup apple juice

1/2 tsp ginger

1/2 tsp cinnamon

1/4 tsp nutmeg

1/2 tsp vanilla extract

2 TBS honey

Optional ingredients: 1 raw egg white, 2 TBS wheat germ, 2 TBS flax seed, 1 shot wheatgrass juice


So, grab some pineapple, throw away the asparagus, and take your pants off: its time for some good ol’ time eatin’

Always,
Your Kinseyette

Let's give the boy a hand!

So it came to my attention (via email) that men are starting to realize that the famous and most popular excuse for us women to not give hand jobs is quickly becoming falsified.

SO what is this famous and popular excuse? I’m sure you’ve heard it before... I’ll give you time to think about it. Need more time? Nah, you’ve got it, you’ve said it, and you’ve been given it. That’s right, the “He can do it better than I can anyways” excuse. And let me just tell you now so you know where I stand: This excuse it bullshit. Oh I said it! It is the shit of bulls. That’s right ladies, the jig is up. Men, be prepared to thank me profusely. I prefer sexual favors but I will take stories any day.

You heard me correct, there is no longer an excuse for not giving a hand job. Well, I mean, not having hands is a good excuse. Or having carpel tunnel (I hear it’s very uncomfortable). Maybe even tennis elbow is a good one… But in regards to the excuse in question, it is no longer usable. And let me tell you why!

Ladies, notice how you can’t tickle yourself? How no matter how hard you try, unless you are poking yourself with a stick, you just can’t get the same tickle that happens when someone else squeezes you in the side? The same rule goes for men and their penises. Don’t get me wrong, they can “tickle” themselves just fine (I’ll explain more in my masturbation piece), but it’s just way more fun (and feels way more intense) when you do it for them.

Another thing a man can’t do by himself? He can’t look at YOU doing the deed. Yeah he can look at porn and pretend that Jenna Jameson is handling his goodies, just like how we can watch the notebook and pretend that Ryan Gosling is frolicking in the ocean with us. Pretend all we want, that shit just ain’t ever gonna happen, and that’s the truth.

Another up to getting instead of giving-and-getting is he can just relax. No forearm workout here, just plain pleasure. His partner can do all the work and he can remain the receiver 100%. Plus he won’t get all red-faced and constipated-looking while trying to get-off.

It’s nice to have someone fooling around with your special parts while making noises. Even if they are moans or sighs, it’s still more than the background noise of ESPN or South Park on the television.

The giver can do MORE than just play with the dick too. She (or he) can use her (or his) mouth on the receiver’s body to get some blood pumping. Nipples, necks, and stomachs are always a good area to stimulate.

The hand job also has many-an-advantage for the giver. First and foremost, none of that foaming-at-the-mouth-before-having-to-figure-out-a-clever-way-to-SPIT-THIS-SHIT-OUT stuff. It’s all in the hands baby, and you are just a softsoap cleansing away from the “coming” to be going.

You also get a more intimate work environment than when your head is between his legs. You can look at one another, you can kiss one another, and you can see his face react to what you are doing to him. It’s very satisfying and will only turn you on more.

Lastly, you don’t have to worry about suction, taste of semen, teeth, and what to do with your hands and eyes (as Ronny told me “does it creep anyone else out when the girl just stares at you the entire time? You’re mouth fucking my dick, not my eyes!”). You just use the techniques I teach you (and I will teach you) and see what hand jobs can bring you.

SO homework for everyone: Try an old school hand job, the kind that goes from start to finish. If he tries to reciprocate, don’t let him (for the first round only). You want him to enjoy it and to tell you what feels good, but you also want to get some vajayjay action in return (and who could blame you). I promise this can only bring more heat into any relationship.

So do your homework, it’s way overdue

Always,
Your Kinseyette