Fearless: My most favorite post yet

So I have experienced something pretty interesting over the past week. It started out as an epiphany and has turned into something so large I can’t keep it in my head anymore. Over the past seven days, I have spent time with five different girlfriends, all of whom I have had to watch cry hysterically and from the heart over a boy. That number doesn’t include two nights ago when I was the one in need of some serious comforting. All five of these women are incredibly beautiful, intelligent, and wonderful, and all six of us were capable of loving in such a way that even our toes and the ends of each strand of hair reacted to the feeling. The higher you are, the harder you fall. The harder you fall, the more pain you feel.

A year ago I was undergoing observation. For seven days I was hooked up to a computer through electrodes in my brain. These electrodes recorded every single electrical impulse that shot through my head, from the excitement when my family showed up and visited to the pain when I got stuck with yet another needle. Though you could see these slight alterations in my normal brain rhythms, they were pretty lame, not very visible and all around lousy. The only time that my brain showed any seriously remarkable fluctuations was when my best friend would call me. Every time my phone would play this one certain ring tone all the machines began to buzz their warning tones because the computers thought I was going into some sort of altered state.

My best friend? He’s a boy, and his name is Dean. I didn’t realize until that hospital stay when every time he called the warning buzzers would go off that I was seriously in love with him. Not only did my brain waves fluctuate but my heart rate would increase almost immediately and a smile would rip across my face when I would hear his voice. My head couldn’t keep up with my heart and it’s because of that that I wasted way too much time not thinking about him the way I wanted to think about him. Sometimes you have to listen to your heart, literally. Love affects more than what you expect. It goes deeper than anyone can even try to understand. People see pictures of their ex-lovers decades later and can still remember what he smelled like, what her voice sounded like, what it felt like when they walked into the room. That’s the mini-lesson within this big one. Don’t try to make love a little thing, because life is love. To love is to live.

As it turns out, that boy who made my heart literally race and who made me smile so wide is the same boy who made me feel like the world was ending all but 48 hours ago. It’s funny how things like that happen. People fall in and out of love like it means nothing, ignoring the pain that most definitely means something. If more people paid attention to what hurts then we’d have a lot more people holding hands on campus then crying on benches or in the grass in front of Newcomb Hall.

Last night, Alina was on one of those benches crying over a boy. She was hurting in such a way that I felt it before I even saw her. I could read it in her texts; I could hear it in her voice. It was all because of Leo.

She had been seeing Leo casually for about a month, and we were all so excited for her. After years of lame relationships and boys who had more crazy than Tyra, it seemed like this one was going to go her way.

Last night Leo texted Alina. After a week of being flakey he texted her to tell her that “things were crazy” for him right now and that “he couldn’t talk about it” at the moment. For Alina, it was every past relationship repeated. A boy being sketchy. Her feelings being hurt.

Sitting with her, watching her cry, it became very clear to me that miscommunication or no communication is worse than lying. Here she was crying because she had no idea what was going on. Was he going to be like all the rest? Was he going to hurt her like the others? She had no idea and it was because he didn’t give her any clue. So here’s a new rule for you to apply to your life and your way of loving: If you are going through something, go through it. Involve someone either fully or not at all, but don’t be vague because vague is scary. It’s scary and it’s weird and it’s lonely. Say, “things are fine with us, but there’s something going on with my family” or “there were things going on before I met you, but now that I have you I want you to know that those things haven’t gone away.” You don’t have to tell everything, but please, say something.

It’s because I didn’t tell Dean the whole truth that he said what he said to make my world crash around me. I still don’t know if I was in the wrong, but I am learning from my mistakes. Alina is learning too, just the hard way.

As she cried, Alina began to talk about everything that had ever hurt her pertaining to love. She talked and cried and sobbed and as she unraveled the deepest seeded issue began to sprout. Once it sprouted, I could see it, and once she saw it, she said it. “I am never going to find someone. No one will ever love me.” No. one. Will. Ever. Love. me. Those five meaningless words and that one most meaningful word strung together like that have been said over and over by men and women everywhere.

48 hours ago I was on the phone with Alina and I was the one repeating the six words of disparity. No one will ever love me. No one will ever. Ever. Love. Me. The kind of pain that goes along with saying those words out loud and believing them cannot be understood, and that feeling is one of the worst feelings I have ever felt. My world was crumbling. Everything looked the same to everyone else, but to me the world was wrong, it was cold, and it was foreign. Heartache takes many forms, but no matter what the form the pain is the same, and the pain is real.

Though it’s horrible and gross, it is necessary for us to learn how important love is. By feeling the pain we appreciate the pleasure, and we learn lessons through every heartache and heartbreak. It may feel like you are dying, but you’re not. And what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

For me, things are already looking up. I have moved on from feeling everything to feeling just one thing: content. I don't feel any pain right now, I don't even feel the urge to make phone calls or send texts. I'm not checking my phone a hundred times or facebook stalking. I am finally living my life free of fear, having fun, and enjoying the view up here where being happy is an every moment state of existence. I'm moving on. Finally!

I know Alina is going to find someone and when she does, I know that it is going to be real. Everyone finds someone. The timing may not be right. The situation may not be ideal but the love is real.

Alina, I know that you said that for 22 years your life has been without love, but you are wrong. Look at all the people around you who love you. We may not be the right person and the love may not be what you are looking for, but it's love. You are going to feel it. When you feel it I know you are going to call me and tell me and we are going to laugh about how funny it was when we thought we would never find it. We'll be eachothers' maids of honor and when we give our toasts, this very subject will open the monologue. It's going to happen not because any of us says so, but because it is INEVITABLE and CONSEQUENTIAL. Love comes in waves, so just sit on the beach and get some sun until the tide comes in.

Love is life, and growth extends from love. Talk more, feel more, and forgive more. You’ll be surprised how easy everything else seems to come.

Your Kinseyette