i promise we'll all get another chance

Dean is my ex boyfriend. Our relationship is akin to hell and after two and a half years of dealing with the drama I have officially decided to move on. Thinking about why I finally made the decision is the topic of this post. Before I explain the relationship, I should probably explain Dean.

Dean is the kind of guy that most people are afraid of. He is big and hulking. He has a shaven head and doesn’t smile very often. I thought he was a complete tool before I got to know him, and even then it took me a little while to get past his “mean” demeanor. Getting to know Dean was like getting to know myself. I fell in love fast and hard.

I met dean in gym glass my senior year of high school. I was on the dance team, and he was on football. I had just come out of my first real relationship and my heart was still mending. Dean seemed like the answer to the question that kept haunting me: will I ever be happy? We started dating almost right away, and our relationship was solid all the way through football season.

Soon after football play-offs Dean dumped me on the snow-covered hills in my backyard. I was heartbroken and cried for weeks. The only problem was that even though we were broken up, we had this undeniable physical chemistry that kept pulling us together. Whether it was sneaking over to his apartment during open lunch or making out before poms practice, whenever we were alone, Dean and I couldn’t stay off each other. Now though I am a fan of friends-with-benefits relationships (especially when they are pure and true), the only problem was that I was still in love with him, and he couldn't care less about my feelings.

After graduation, Dean enlisted in the Marines and I set out to go to college. While I was starting at Tulane, Dean was going through Marine Corps boot camp. We sent each other letters constantly and based on what we both wrote to one another, I figured that when he got out we were going to get back together. It took about a month of drama and tears, but I was right: soon enough we were facebook official and I was so content. I should’ve taken it as a bad sign when I was surprised that things were so great. We said “I love you” and he even talked about getting married to me. I was the happiest I had ever been.

I knew it was too good to be true though. I knew Dean more than anyone else, and I knew that deep down he would think of a reason to end things with me once we got too close. Again, I was right.

So here I am. Dean is on deployment to Iraq and even though I want to be there for him through this difficult time, he wants nothing to do with me. He wants me to believe that he doesn’t need me, that he can do things on his own. For two and a half years, all I have done is wait on him hand and foot, putting him before me, my family, my life, and even my happiness. And now I have nothing to show for it but old pictures and his rusty dogtags.

Why the hell did I do this? I’m a smart girl, how could I let this happen to me? What was I thinking when I took someone who wasn’t worth it and judged my own personal worth by him?

For a while I was afraid that Dean was “the one,” that nothing like what we had would ever happen to me ever again. I see now how childish that Idea is. Nothing in this universe happens just once. Nothing. Infinity goes in both direction. There is no unique event, no singular moment. That means you'll get another chance. That means we’ll all get another chance.

In other words, don't ever let anyone make you feel like nothing better will ever come a long. I promise you from my heart that you, like I, will get another chance. And it will be greater and more incredible than either of us could’ve ever imagined.

Keep your head up, and keep your standards high. You deserve it.

Always,
Your Kinseyette

All work and no play is never the way

So Delia had been keeping in touch with me heavily over the couple of days before winter break because her recent relationship development had grown some insecurity and a bit of crazy. She had just hooked up with a bouncer at one of the very popular bars off campus, and emotions are sky-high. “I’m not the relationship type,” she tells me, “but I don’t know what’s going on with us.” The truth is that she didn't want to go on winter break and spend a month away from Tim thinking about him if he wont be thinking about her.

To understand their situation, I ask her some questions. They go along the lines of, when you hooked up who initiated it, how often do you talk, and what do you talk about? Her responses went along the lines of, I’m not sure (does that matter?!), all day long (when we aren’t texting we’re talking on the phone and when we aren’t doing THAT we’re together), and about everything.

I then get into the explanation: it's a really good thing that they are talking often. It is a good sign that shows the relationship isn't just about the physical, as a lot of times that is the case. I am not saying that really successful relationships can't develop from the physical, but the best relationships are based on a foundation of good communication.

I then drove on the the issue of who initiated the hook up. the truth is, who initiated doesn’t even matter. Men sometimes get turned on by the aggressive woman and then there are the times when men like being a Spartan. With new flings, especially ones like Delia’s in which “talking” has occurred for weeks prior to the event, hesitation is most likely due to nerves and the hardcore anticipation that has been building up. Delia and Tim had been talking a lot since one of our sorority parties ended with them meeting. The anticipation of a hook up was always in the back of their minds, so it is no wonder that when the time actually came no one knew where to start.

Johnny put it like this: “It’s like, when you have to pee really bad and you finally get to and you get all ready, unzip your pants (you’ve been thinking about this piss for a while now) and all of a sudden, it’s like performance anxiety. You just. Cant. Piss!”

My girlfriends always complain about who kissed who first, and I am here to tell you to not even think about it. It’s a non-event, move on to more important things to micromanage (like what he means by “luv ya” in a text message).

The real reason behind Delia’s worry is that she’s never had a boyfriend of any kind, and she doesn’t know what to expect and what is to be expected. You shouldn’t know what is going on, especially this early in a relationship. Anything can happen! You guys are just figuring out what is going on and you both aren’t even sure if you really like each other. In college, boys look and act a whole lot different when out from under the lights of the Boot. The same goes for girls, especially those who always wear spanks and water bras.

Another big issue with Delia is that she is a virgin, and Tim is a lot older. Being a virgin is never a bad thing, unless it is not what you want, and i get the feeling that with Delia, it isn't what she wants. I’m fairly certain that if given the chance, Delia would jump at the chance of getting jumped. It's difficult when new relationships start getting physical because it is a natural thing to think about if sex is going to happen. That alone can lend more pressure to the budding relationship and a lot of times that pressure causes a self-combustion.

Between starting a new relationship and dealing with personal insecurities, drama ensues and people tend to get jaded by all of the different options of opportunity laid out before them.

All of this happened with Delia before winterbreak. My advice to her was just to go on vacation, relax, see what happens, and to let things sort themselves out. Everyone needs time apart, and the saying “Distance makes the heart grow fonder” is usually true. Even me and my roommate needed the time of winterbreak to relax and reboot after a semester of stress and chaos. Now it’s mid-january and I haven’t heard much about tim from delia and I’m assuming that the whole situation is a non-event.

My point in telling Delia’s story is to stress the importance of not taking new relationships too seriously. If either party jumps in too quickly and seriousness is the everyday reality, eventually the all work no play atmosphere will cause the relationship to implode. In other words, don’t sweat the small stuff, especially in the beginning. If he doesn’t call, it could mean that he is busy, or that he just isn’t interested. Don’t take it personally and don’t think it’s your fault. Sometimes, things happen for no reason other than the timing is off. SO breathe, relax, and don’t forget to have some fun.