Dean is the kind of guy that most people are afraid of. He is big and hulking. He has a shaven head and doesn’t smile very often. I thought he was a complete tool before I got to know him, and even then it took me a little while to get past his “mean” demeanor. Getting to know Dean was like getting to know myself. I fell in love fast and hard.
I met dean in gym glass my senior year of high school. I was on the dance team, and he was on football. I had just come out of my first real relationship and my heart was still mending. Dean seemed like the answer to the question that kept haunting me: will I ever be happy? We started dating almost right away, and our relationship was solid all the way through football season.
Soon after football play-offs Dean dumped me on the snow-covered hills in my backyard. I was heartbroken and cried for weeks. The only problem was that even though we were broken up, we had this undeniable physical chemistry that kept pulling us together. Whether it was sneaking over to his apartment during open lunch or making out before poms practice, whenever we were alone, Dean and I couldn’t stay off each other. Now though I am a fan of friends-with-benefits relationships (especially when they are pure and true), the only problem was that I was still in love with him, and he couldn't care less about my feelings.
After graduation, Dean enlisted in the Marines and I set out to go to college. While I was starting at Tulane, Dean was going through Marine Corps boot camp. We sent each other letters constantly and based on what we both wrote to one another, I figured that when he got out we were going to get back together. It took about a month of drama and tears, but I was right: soon enough we were facebook official and I was so content. I should’ve taken it as a bad sign when I was surprised that things were so great. We said “I love you” and he even talked about getting married to me. I was the happiest I had ever been.
I knew it was too good to be true though. I knew Dean more than anyone else, and I knew that deep down he would think of a reason to end things with me once we got too close. Again, I was right.
So here I am. Dean is on deployment to Iraq and even though I want to be there for him through this difficult time, he wants nothing to do with me. He wants me to believe that he doesn’t need me, that he can do things on his own. For two and a half years, all I have done is wait on him hand and foot, putting him before me, my family, my life, and even my happiness. And now I have nothing to show for it but old pictures and his rusty dogtags.
Why the hell did I do this? I’m a smart girl, how could I let this happen to me? What was I thinking when I took someone who wasn’t worth it and judged my own personal worth by him?
For a while I was afraid that Dean was “the one,” that nothing like what we had would ever happen to me ever again. I see now how childish that Idea is. Nothing in this universe happens just once. Nothing. Infinity goes in both direction. There is no unique event, no singular moment. That means you'll get another chance. That means we’ll all get another chance.
In other words, don't ever let anyone make you feel like nothing better will ever come a long. I promise you from my heart that you, like I, will get another chance. And it will be greater and more incredible than either of us could’ve ever imagined.
Keep your head up, and keep your standards high. You deserve it.
Always,
Your Kinseyette
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