A new email: Vaginismus

Here is an email I JUST received in my inbox:

Dear Kinseyette,

I have recently discovered your blog, and I find it very interesting to read. I do have an issue that if possible I would like you to address, however if you have previously addressed this in your blog I apologize; I have not read through all of your earlier postings, and if that is the case, could you please refer me to what date to look at? Thank you.

On to my question...I am 21 years old and have been with my boyfriend, "J," age 20, for a little over a year. We were both virgins until last summer when we had sex. Long story short, after not being able to have sex for literally ten seconds before I was in excruciating pain, lots of experimentation with various lubes and positions, and a visit to the gynecologist, I discovered that I have Vaginismus. I have been using the prescription cream Estrace for some time now, and we have gotten up to about 4 minutes of straight (albeit very slow, and very shallow) relatively pain-free sex, but we are obviously hoping to improve. Let me just say that J has been nothing but supportive and wonderful throughout this whole ordeal, so I definitely have his patience working in my favor. We have had the most luck in the missionary position, as in any "girl on top" position my vagina literally rejects his penis. Lubes tend to give me a burning sensation, so for now we are using Vaseline, which has been working pretty well. (We know not to use it with condoms, and I am on the Pill, and neither of us has even come close to orgasm during sexual intercourse.) My doctor also recommended that I be fully relaxed and stimulated before we begin intercourse, which we have been very faithful at doing. Although we have definitely come a long way from where we started, our progress is still incredibly slow and I have never had an intercourse experience without any pain. I was hoping you could recommend some techniques for us to help us have sex like normal people? One more thing, my doctor did also suggest using dilators, however this option does not appeal to me in the least. Any help you could give me would be much appreciated.

Thank you, and happy writing.

Sincerely,
Your reader


So, reader, I am very very glad you wrote in today. I really appreciate you taking the time to write this, and I am more than fully prepared to answer all of your questions.

Firstly, for all of you who don’t know what she is talking about, Vaginismus is a condition in which there is a tightening of the entry of the vagina. This can indeed make intercourse painful and in some cases completely impossible. There are many causes and many treatments for this condition, and it seems like you have done all the research physically possible at the time being. It must feel very lonely and confusing right now, but I am glad you have organized some options.

You stated that you didn’t want to use dilators. I don’t blame you! Sticking something ELSE up there just isn’t a very pleasant thought, no matter what the situation is.

Before I even begin, I just want to say something to all of the women who are currently experiencing vaginal pain during intercourse. No matter how much you want, love, or need the man you are with, do not EVER think that it is a good idea to grit and bear the pain in an attempt to get him off. You can cause permanent damage or make your condition worse. With that in mind, you should know the basics.

Firstly, I just want to go over some of the causes of Vaginismus. There is a whole group of sex scientists and therapists who believe that this condition may indeed stem from an original issue. This issue can either be a traumatic experience, previous pain during intercourse, or even a bad body image. Our bodies sometimes do things that we think are accidental or awkward, but in reality there is usually a reason behind the wreaking of havoc.

Sit down one day and think if this may be your issue as well. I know you said you were a virgin before you and your boyfriend decided to try intercourse, so your problem is probably not a previous traumatic sexual experience. Because of this, you should just think about how you (I know this may sound strange, but follow me) think about your vulva and vagina. If you don’t know what you think about it, I am going to prescribe to you a little experiment that is sure to open your eyes a bit.

Sit in front of a mirror or grab a hand-held compact. Oh yes dear, you heard me! I really want you to get down and dirty with yo bad self. I want you to look at your vulva and vagina, and see what it looks like. Put a little lubricant on your finger and gently massage the opening of your vagina. If your body allows it, try inserting one finger, two, and so on until you are gently (and slowly) slipping at least one finger in easily. Your body should react less to your own touch as it does to the touch of your boyfriend. If you can do this on a REGULAR (yes, regular) basis, you will be FAR better off when it comes to the main event with your main man.

Until you can do this to yourself and do it to the point that it is pleasurable instead of painful, you should call off sex for a few weeks. I have some other ideas of things you can try in the meantime, however!

If you want to get some bump and grind contact without the bump, try the grind! That’s right; make your vulva the bun to his hotdog. Get on top, lubricate the shaft of his penis and the inside of your labia and vulva, and grind yourself up and down his erection. Chances are one or both of you will get off and there will be no pain associated with insertion. For your own personal information and research, this form of getting off is called femoral intercourse.

If you can learn to achieve orgasm by using femoral intercourse, then only good things can happen. As soon as this act becomes natural, your vagina will eventually teach itself to relax and sooner than you think actual vaginal intercourse will be possible.

You said in your question that you and your boyfriend have been practicing foreplay techniques religiously. This is SO good to hear, as this can be the biggest issue and cause of vaginal pain during intercourse. Since you didn’t go into detail on your techniques (and I don’t blame you!) I am going to shoot you some myself.

You should have your boyfriend use the Vaseline you have been using (I am glad something is working okay for you) and to use it to massage your vaginal opening much like how you should be practicing doing it to yourself. After the massage becomes successful and pleasurable, allow him to insert one finger up to the first knuckle and gently swirl his digit inside of you. This gently movement is incredibly sexy and further teaches your vagina to relax.

Most of your problems are probably related to your need of relaxation. Try a breathing tape or take a nap before the act, anything that can help you take a deep breath. If bathtubs are your thing, try this with some lavender in your tub with your boy. The water will feel great on your bits, and he will have a whole tub of natural lubricant to work with.

Another option is to buy three dildos. In a book I am currently reading, they offer up the website Touchofawoman.com to provide for these dildos. By starting out small and working your way up (over the course of a few weeks), you will be, again, training your vagina to accept the penis instead of rejecting it.

After you feel good with the dildo, try using the real thing. Use the same process of assimilation and have your partner only put a little bit in at a time until his whole shaft is in. This needs to be done often and over the course of more than just a few days. You may have tried this already, but you should try is again and over a longer period of time. Vaginal training isn’t as easy as dog training. What can I say? Pussies are way more temperamental!

One of the top experts in vaginal sex discomfort has suggested using fresh olive oil as a healthy and natural form of lubrication. Try it and see if it works. You can warm the oil between your hands and let the sensation sizzle.

You want to try to be on top? The issue with this is that you are putting a lot of pressure on your vaginal canal whereas during missionary your partner can control the speed and depth of insertion. If you want to try this on top, please do! Try putting just the tip in and moving your hips around with him inside of you. Try anything to help reveal the pressure.

Most importantly, do not forget to breathe. Be more confident! Do not be discouraged. Even if you think that you are being as confidant as you can be, there is always one more step to try to reach.

You are beautiful, you are wonderful, and there is absolutely nothing strange about your condition. Modern statistics say that about 20% of sexually active women experience Vaginismus. There is no easy cure and it may take more work than either you or your partner is willing to do, but it is worth it always.

Since I do not know your personal experience more thoroughly, I have found some really important websites I want you to visit. This one, at http://www.vaginismus.com/vaginismus-treatment, has a 10-step program for treating your Vaginismus. The treatment includes understanding Vaginismus and its own personal cause inside of you. It also incorporates all of the assimilation techniques and vaginal training ideas I have already shared with you. It is helpful and more personalized and I hope it can help with you.

If you need anything else please let me know, and keep us updated on your progress!

Always,
Your Kinseyette