Dick-Centeredness: A study

For a woman, understanding the relationship between a man and his penis may be, if you pardon the pun, hard. We girls don’t have the junk necessary to fully experience what it is like to have a dangler between our legs, as all of our important personal belongings lay inside our bodies. It’s because of this that I have decided to delve into the sometimes overly emotional companionship between the penis, testicles, and the man himself.

Before I even start, I should probably bring up the fact that men do in fact take what lies below way too seriously. I should also say that this seriousness (and sometimes obsession) isn’t always their fault. There’s usually nothing wrong with a serious relationship, but sometimes a man’s member can come in between that man and, well, coming.
Men usually start and end their day in the same way: by touching their penis and testicles. According to numerous texts, this act of repetition has less to do with sexual stimulation and much more to do with self-affirmation. When I brought this up to Johnny last night (while his hands were in fact down his pants), all he had to say was, “No shit I touch my balls, I want to make sure they’re still there!”

Another interesting affirmation experience has to do with peeing. A man pees between six and eight times a day. Peeing for most men is seen as a ritual, as how he unzips, brings his penis out, holds said penis during the act, and even how he wags it after is usually done in the same way every single time. Moreover, women do not get the visual reinforcement that men do during the act of urination. A man can feel the sensations inside his body and see the simultaneous reaction outside. This hand-eye visual reinforcement isn’t usually present among women, as most women don’t even know where their urethra is (yes, boys, in case you didn’t know we do have not one, not two, but three holes down there).

Another basis of the dick-centered schema of the male species is the fact that in our society, gratifying and good sex is rated by how successful a man is at not only getting but also maintaining an erection. That’s a lot of pressure to put on a person, especially during something as technical and emotional as sex.

While along the topic of erections, I might as well note the wonderful experience of the “unwanted hard on”. This “UHO” is usually very much present first thing in the morning. These special morning surprises make it not only difficult to empty a beer-filled bladder, but it isn’t exactly a pleasant visual to share with housemates. As an adolescent these boners are usually greeted with frustration and anger. As the boy moves from 15 to 50 however, UHO’s are no longer a problem as a nice strong erection is anything but unwanted.

Women usually assume that a hard-on means that the owner is sexually aroused. This is a false assumption and can be easily disproved when looking at the UHO. Teenagers with wood in school are anything but turned on, as they ferverently try to mentally “talk themselves down.” Unless, of course, the smell of fresh chalk on a blackboard is found especially arousing, then go ahead and rage boner, just rage. Another example at the opposite spectrum is the common occurrence of whisky dick. In this case, the man is probably extremely aroused but his phallic extension won’t respond to the mental firings going on in his head. There are many situations when the dick doesn’t do what it’s owner wants, and it is because of this that we can’t always hold the man responsible for his irresponsible dick.

It may surprise most women how often a man feels some sort of excruciating pain in his testicles. Baseball, zippers (and other forms of pants-to-penis abuse), elbows, door handles, even bicycles are common culprits of the “grab-your-crotch-and-fall-to-your-knees-before-assuming-the-fetal-position” types of experiences. It is because of this that men have a special connection to their reproductive equipment. For girls this happens during menstruation, but again this occurs far less often and far between.

And of course, if all else fails, if the world is ending and if he is on the streets alone in the cold, a man will always have his penis and the wonderful sensations this object of lust and comfort can provide. Unless of course he doesn’t have his penis. Slap that on a cardboard sign, sir, and I will gladly donate a few dollars any day.

Dick-centeredness can sometimes mean that a man uses his hard penis as a way to mask other issues that are going on in his life. The women he has sex with are less women and more masturbation machines, and his penis is the basis of his masculinity. Sometimes, when the member is equivalent to masculinity in the mind of a man, the member will cause more damage that pleasure.

How can you easily spot a man who is more into his penis than pleasuring you (both emotionally and physically)? Those are the types of men that are self-involved, distant, and hard to get close to. It’s no wonder that we call these guys DICKS because it perfectly describes what their lives are about. A man who does not take his penis too seriously is the man who is into more than being the manliest male that has ever walked the planet. He has many different passions in life, and sex is an extension of your relationship, not the center of it.

Can you ever turn a dick-centered man into a normal human male? Absolutely not. No one has ever changed just because someone told them to or wished they would. So, in conclusion, keep you eyes out for the dicks in the world and always make sure that you are never a masturbation machine. Besides, sex is much to much fun to be wasted on dick alone.

Oh, and PS the average size of the male penis is 3.4 inches flaccid, 5 inches erect. Everyone always asks, so I am obliged to answer.

Always,
Your Kinseyette