Since last night was a night of many parties, I was sure that there’d be many-a-story to be told in the morning. And oh was I right. From a kiss with some major subtext, to the official labeling of a relationship, the night was filled with some new developments.
So I left off on the story of Delia and Tim with a bit of a stalemate: I was unsure of what was going on, and I think Delia was hesitant to tell me about what had happened. Last night, however, the stalemate ended. To say it ended doesn’t mean that many questions were answered, but that there was initiated contact. And a Kiss ☺ But first, I need to talk about Dakota.
Dakota also had a bit of a night. The guy she’s been seeing (and whom she has strongly been denying is her boyfriend) finally called the relationship official. How did he do it, you ask? Well, because Dakota made us late for the busses to the fraternity party (I am still bitter), we decided to catch a cab. To fill the time, Brock (her something) decided to buy some Boons and wait in the cold for the cab to show up. While walking and talking about who was going to pay for cab fare, Brock stated, “Who is paying?” When Dakota stated that she would, Brock responded with a, “Wow, I am such a moochy boyfriend.” Dakota would’ve missed it, but I sure didn’t. I started coughing uncontrollably, hoping that she would take the hint and rewind, review, and respond to what was just said, but she was oblivious. I explained to her after what had been said, and that was that.
This got me thinking about when the time is right to make a relationship official. In high school things were ALWAYS official. A guy wanting to have a girl as his girlfriend would just ask, “Do you want to go out with me?” and that’d be that. Everyone dated each other in high school, and sometimes being boyfriend/girlfriend just meant you could make out in the parking lot before school and not be judged.
In college, people can hook up, go on dates, and meet each others parents at the Columns Hotel for martini’s and still not call each other the “(insert gender)friend.” The way Brock went about making things official is cute and easy. Brock and Dakota have been seeing each other for a little while before Christmas break, and they get along great. We all figured it was just a matter of time before it happened. By just casually dropping the G word, Brock gently initiated the idea and concurrently made it stick.
Some girls prefer a discussion before the official has become official. These are the kinds of girls that usually “wear the pants,” and there’s nothing wrong with that. So guys, if you have a controlling type-A girl, make sure you discuss with her the idea of being exclusive before making the assumption. Who knows, your future lawyer girlfriend may have a few boyfriends on the side. To bring this up in conversation, simply ask her if she’d mind being called your girlfriend. If that is too awkward, go the Brock way, drop the word when with friends, and if she has a problem with it she will most definitely bring up the issue the next time you are alone. In other words, it can’t hurt.
We left for the party all single ladies, and before we even hit the venue we had a couple.
After we all went to the fraternity party downtown (and I subsequently went home), Delia and a couple of people went to the bar that Tim works for as a bouncer. When they got there, Delia said hi to her almost-something and went along like nothing was different. She told me she felt awkward being so close to him and all I could say was that it is to be expected after such a long period of no communication.
The whole evening they made small talk and small advancements were being made. By the end of the night, it was Delia and Tim in the middle of the Bar. She said that he was very touchy, very feely, and that he even kissed her in front of everyone. After that moment, he brought up the awkward by asking her to text him. She consequently brought up that it was HIM who didn’t respond to HER texts, and therefore he no has the wonderful responsibility to maintain communications.
Guys, if you really like a girl, don’t wait around for her to text you. Traditionally girls tend to wait around for the guy, so don’t make them wait. Girls, if you haven’t gotten a text from a guy your into for a couple of days, send him a little message asking him to PJs or Bruff, or even ask him if he is going to that party this weekend. If all else fails, type an inside joke onto his facebook wall or send him a funny bumpersticker. Make sure he knows you are there, as guys sometimes get so self-conscious about your interest that they would rather prevent embarrassment and not contact you.
After telling me their encounter, Delia seems pretty excited about the whole thing, and I am so happy for her. She deserves to be happy. I’m sure there will be many more developments with them, as well as with everyone.
Always,
Your Kinseyette
Friday, January 16, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
sweet home chicago breeds some pretty sweet friends
So since I have already described to you the protagonists of your journey throughout the sexuality of Tulane University, I think it is time I bring into the picture the people who will put college sex lives into a more national (and at times global) perspective. In this list are people from home, my best of friends from other universities, and those with a more worldy experience of sex. So without further temptation, here they are.
Chelsea is my best friend in the entire world. She is tiny, bubbly, and is always up for the best of times. Whether we are stealing flowers out of dumpsters or singing old songs in my car, I can always count on her to make me smile. The best part of Chelsea isn’t just her happiness: she has never judged me for anything I have ever done, which is a miracle seeing as judgement is usually the first sentiment I get from people when I tell them I want to be a sex therapist. Chelsea sits and listens to my stories about random sexcapades and contributes constantly. Having just gotten out of her longest relationship (which was the catalyst for the loosing of her virginity) means she is officially enjoying her first semester at her midwestern college as a single lady. I can only imagine the types of things she’ll do… and I cannot wait to find out.
Sandi is a talkshow host stuck in the body of a college student. She is always well put together, beautiful, and she is one of the funniest girls I have ever known. She keeps me grounded and is never afraid to compliment anyone (as long as they deserve the compliment :-D ). Sandi is one of those people who can effortlessly float between two groups of friends without any chaos, drama, or discomfort. She is strong, loud, and she is a complete asset in my life. I don't know much about her sex life other than that she has standards when most girls don't. She has promised to keep me updated on all the goings-on with her, with every bit of news and excitement coming from her camp I will grow more and more close to her.
Scarlet goes to school here at Tulane, but she’s been abroad in Europe for the past semester. She left for the eastern hemisphere an average virginal American girl, and came back smarter (and I mean more than just book smart) and more experienced. Her trip to Europe will be told to the envy of me, as I’m sure the same feeling will be felt by you.
Liam is an all-american athlete who has won state championships in the smallest speedo I have ever seen. Besides being a great athlete, he is devastatingly handsome, kind, a talented singer.. and gay. Liam was the first person I had ever known to come out of the closet, and since then I have had trouble controlling my word-vomitous compilation of questions I release upon him. I love learning about how gay sex works, how being one in a gay couple works, and how gays and straights have it easier/harder. Its hard for me to understand what life must be like for him, especially coming from a family of more traditional values. By using Liam as my liaison into the world of homosexuality, I am better equipped to help you boys still struggling with the hinges on your closet door.
Leah is one of my best friends from home. In high school she was prom queen, dance team captain, and at one point my boyfriend broke up with me because he couldn’t stop thinking about her. Right now? She’s pregnant and the tender age of 19 and she’s keeping her baby girl. Her life is set: her baby, soon-to-be husband, and a military life awaits her. What she is going through is the exact opposite of what most people experience here on campus. Her life is amidst a dramatic change that will end with Leah not only being a woman, but a wife and mother as well. Me and Leah have a unique relationship that is based on us both going through very similar personal experiences at a very young age. I feel like I can relate to her in a way that not many other people can, and because of this I feel this connection with her.
Lexi is sweet, adorable, and kind. Having been in a relationship with a younger guy for a while now, she has the whole boyfriend-sex base covered. Its like she’s the married one amongst our home friends. Sometimes it’s hard to share her, since, like most girls, it feels like she’ll chose her boyfriend over us if given the chance. The truth is that she means well, and the fact that she is in a serious committed relationship means I get to give her advice to try some pretty kinky and fun things that most non-committed girls would be hesitant to try.
Well that’s it for now, but I’m sure I’ll be holding another introductory session soon enough ☺
Always,
Kinseyette
Chelsea is my best friend in the entire world. She is tiny, bubbly, and is always up for the best of times. Whether we are stealing flowers out of dumpsters or singing old songs in my car, I can always count on her to make me smile. The best part of Chelsea isn’t just her happiness: she has never judged me for anything I have ever done, which is a miracle seeing as judgement is usually the first sentiment I get from people when I tell them I want to be a sex therapist. Chelsea sits and listens to my stories about random sexcapades and contributes constantly. Having just gotten out of her longest relationship (which was the catalyst for the loosing of her virginity) means she is officially enjoying her first semester at her midwestern college as a single lady. I can only imagine the types of things she’ll do… and I cannot wait to find out.
Sandi is a talkshow host stuck in the body of a college student. She is always well put together, beautiful, and she is one of the funniest girls I have ever known. She keeps me grounded and is never afraid to compliment anyone (as long as they deserve the compliment :-D ). Sandi is one of those people who can effortlessly float between two groups of friends without any chaos, drama, or discomfort. She is strong, loud, and she is a complete asset in my life. I don't know much about her sex life other than that she has standards when most girls don't. She has promised to keep me updated on all the goings-on with her, with every bit of news and excitement coming from her camp I will grow more and more close to her.
Scarlet goes to school here at Tulane, but she’s been abroad in Europe for the past semester. She left for the eastern hemisphere an average virginal American girl, and came back smarter (and I mean more than just book smart) and more experienced. Her trip to Europe will be told to the envy of me, as I’m sure the same feeling will be felt by you.
Liam is an all-american athlete who has won state championships in the smallest speedo I have ever seen. Besides being a great athlete, he is devastatingly handsome, kind, a talented singer.. and gay. Liam was the first person I had ever known to come out of the closet, and since then I have had trouble controlling my word-vomitous compilation of questions I release upon him. I love learning about how gay sex works, how being one in a gay couple works, and how gays and straights have it easier/harder. Its hard for me to understand what life must be like for him, especially coming from a family of more traditional values. By using Liam as my liaison into the world of homosexuality, I am better equipped to help you boys still struggling with the hinges on your closet door.
Leah is one of my best friends from home. In high school she was prom queen, dance team captain, and at one point my boyfriend broke up with me because he couldn’t stop thinking about her. Right now? She’s pregnant and the tender age of 19 and she’s keeping her baby girl. Her life is set: her baby, soon-to-be husband, and a military life awaits her. What she is going through is the exact opposite of what most people experience here on campus. Her life is amidst a dramatic change that will end with Leah not only being a woman, but a wife and mother as well. Me and Leah have a unique relationship that is based on us both going through very similar personal experiences at a very young age. I feel like I can relate to her in a way that not many other people can, and because of this I feel this connection with her.
Lexi is sweet, adorable, and kind. Having been in a relationship with a younger guy for a while now, she has the whole boyfriend-sex base covered. Its like she’s the married one amongst our home friends. Sometimes it’s hard to share her, since, like most girls, it feels like she’ll chose her boyfriend over us if given the chance. The truth is that she means well, and the fact that she is in a serious committed relationship means I get to give her advice to try some pretty kinky and fun things that most non-committed girls would be hesitant to try.
Well that’s it for now, but I’m sure I’ll be holding another introductory session soon enough ☺
Always,
Kinseyette
speaking of vulvas...
So for those of you who are interested in the interesting and strange aspects of sexual culture, I have a little present for you.
while in my research for the previous entry, i came upon an internet site advertising the "precious, vaginal odor" of a woman. yes, you read correctly. Vulva is the bottled essence of the female vagina. Interested in getting some? hit up http://www.smellmeand.com/index_2.html (get it? smell me and... com) and see for yourself.
Always
your Kinseyette
while in my research for the previous entry, i came upon an internet site advertising the "precious, vaginal odor" of a woman. yes, you read correctly. Vulva is the bottled essence of the female vagina. Interested in getting some? hit up http://www.smellmeand.com/index_2.html (get it? smell me and... com) and see for yourself.
Always
your Kinseyette
Awkward but informative: tips on vaginal health
So before I begin, I should probably explain some basics about the vagina. Firstly, when people refer to the vagina, they are most likely meaning to describe the vulva. The vulva is what you see from the outside, while the vagina is the inner tubing that the penis goes into and the baby comes out of. The vulva consists of a clitoral hood, the clitoral glans, the labia minora, labia majora, vaginal opening, and the mons pubis.
Wikipedia “vulva” and you will get some very graphic photos of the vulva and all it’s parts, including examples of the shaven and au natural vulva. Very interesting to look at, though I don’t get the point of the real-life photos as opposed to the normal drawings we have seen our whole lives. Not to mention I can’t even imagine how many early-pubescent boys have used that same Wikipedia page to not only explore the female vulva for the first time, but to explore themselves. But enough about that.
One way in which girls have the whole sex organ bit worse off than boys is that the female genetalia is much more likely to get infected than its male counterpart, also known as the penis. So I’ve compiled a couple of hints to keep you (and your kitty) happy and healthy.
Firstly, basic hygiene needs to be observed. That doesn’t mean, however, that you should be washing down there five times a day. In fact that is the opposite of what is suggested by gynecologists. Your vulva should be cleaned with soap once a day at the MOST. You should only use a bland bar or low Ph soaps on your down there area, and never use perfume, lotions, body washes or even shampoo as a special-spot cleanser. When washing your hair, lean over so there isn’t any run off in between your legs. If you don’t have any low Ph soap, just use water. Your vulva and vagina are excellent at cleaning themselves so don’t mess around with the natural flow of things (if you pardon the pun) by putting harsh chemicals on your sensitive areas. Moreover, NEVER scrub down there. It’s hard to change the notion that our sweet spots should be squeaky clean, but to ensure a healthier sex life, some new changes should be taken in stride.
Another act of personal hygiene that is imperative to good vulva health takes place during a different in-bathroom ritual: always wipe from front to back (you KNOW what I am talking about). Butt germs have no business being around your vulva, so don’t let it happen. Also, don’t use baby wipes or powders when you are done doing your thing. The less irritation to the area the better. If god intended your vajayjay to smell like jasmine or pine, you would have a jasmine plant and a pine tree growing out from between your legs.
I shouldn’t even have to say this, but I will just in case you haven’t gotten the memo. Do NOT douche. The chemicals are unbelievably harsh and abrasive and they damage your vulva and vaginal walls. The only time you may douche is if you are just ending your period and you are about to have sex, but do so with just warm water and without the chemical additives.
This may make a few people feel uncomfortable, but it is now my duty as a sex writer to talk about, well to put it bluntly, smells. Ladies, you know what is normal and what is not. Both men and women have sweat and apocrine glands embedded in their genatalia and when the owner of said genetalia experiences stress, the glands release some olfactory surprises that may not be pleasant. It is normal for vulvas to smell musky, it is not normal for them to smell bad. So if you experience some odors that are not normal, it may be time to make that dreaded but needed appointment with your gynocologist.
One common and mostly unknown cause of certain smells (that is completely normal) is what happens when a sexual relationship first begins. As his junk gets used to your junk, sometimes new and unexpected smells can be experienced. Don’t worry, its nothing bad and it is in no way a precursor to a bad relationship. Our bodies just need to get used to one another and this is one sign of that acclamation.
Now that we have gone over basic hygiene, it’s time we turn to how you dress your now clean lady bits. In our day and age, the panty line show is a fasion faux pas that few people can get away with without criticism. It is because of this that thongs are all the rage. Many people, when the choice is between wearing a thong, a pad, and going commando, usually choose the thong or putting a pad inside their pants sans underwear. I am here to tell you that both of those choices are not as good at the third: please please ladies, if contemplating the choice, go commando. Thongs are very abrasive and actually tear up the vulva. Pads tend to trap in moisture and they irritate the vulva as well.
Going commando is prescribed for many women, especially those prone to yeast infections. By sleeping without underwear and letting your lower parts breathe, you increase circulation to the area and in turn, increase the health of your sex trove.
If you can’t go commando, wear 100% cotton underwear. Don’t be confused by nylon underwear with cotton crotches because they trap moisture regardless. If you wear pantyhose, try using the thigh high models that keep your v-spot free and airy. When you wash your underthings, use mild, unscented soap and detergents. Don’t use dryer sheets on your underwear because they deposite a filmy residue that can be rubbed off onto skin.
Now that you know how to clean, dress, and all-together take care of your most sensitive and special place, turn the lesson into practice and take your panties off.
Always,
Your Kinseyette
Wikipedia “vulva” and you will get some very graphic photos of the vulva and all it’s parts, including examples of the shaven and au natural vulva. Very interesting to look at, though I don’t get the point of the real-life photos as opposed to the normal drawings we have seen our whole lives. Not to mention I can’t even imagine how many early-pubescent boys have used that same Wikipedia page to not only explore the female vulva for the first time, but to explore themselves. But enough about that.
One way in which girls have the whole sex organ bit worse off than boys is that the female genetalia is much more likely to get infected than its male counterpart, also known as the penis. So I’ve compiled a couple of hints to keep you (and your kitty) happy and healthy.
Firstly, basic hygiene needs to be observed. That doesn’t mean, however, that you should be washing down there five times a day. In fact that is the opposite of what is suggested by gynecologists. Your vulva should be cleaned with soap once a day at the MOST. You should only use a bland bar or low Ph soaps on your down there area, and never use perfume, lotions, body washes or even shampoo as a special-spot cleanser. When washing your hair, lean over so there isn’t any run off in between your legs. If you don’t have any low Ph soap, just use water. Your vulva and vagina are excellent at cleaning themselves so don’t mess around with the natural flow of things (if you pardon the pun) by putting harsh chemicals on your sensitive areas. Moreover, NEVER scrub down there. It’s hard to change the notion that our sweet spots should be squeaky clean, but to ensure a healthier sex life, some new changes should be taken in stride.
Another act of personal hygiene that is imperative to good vulva health takes place during a different in-bathroom ritual: always wipe from front to back (you KNOW what I am talking about). Butt germs have no business being around your vulva, so don’t let it happen. Also, don’t use baby wipes or powders when you are done doing your thing. The less irritation to the area the better. If god intended your vajayjay to smell like jasmine or pine, you would have a jasmine plant and a pine tree growing out from between your legs.
I shouldn’t even have to say this, but I will just in case you haven’t gotten the memo. Do NOT douche. The chemicals are unbelievably harsh and abrasive and they damage your vulva and vaginal walls. The only time you may douche is if you are just ending your period and you are about to have sex, but do so with just warm water and without the chemical additives.
This may make a few people feel uncomfortable, but it is now my duty as a sex writer to talk about, well to put it bluntly, smells. Ladies, you know what is normal and what is not. Both men and women have sweat and apocrine glands embedded in their genatalia and when the owner of said genetalia experiences stress, the glands release some olfactory surprises that may not be pleasant. It is normal for vulvas to smell musky, it is not normal for them to smell bad. So if you experience some odors that are not normal, it may be time to make that dreaded but needed appointment with your gynocologist.
One common and mostly unknown cause of certain smells (that is completely normal) is what happens when a sexual relationship first begins. As his junk gets used to your junk, sometimes new and unexpected smells can be experienced. Don’t worry, its nothing bad and it is in no way a precursor to a bad relationship. Our bodies just need to get used to one another and this is one sign of that acclamation.
Now that we have gone over basic hygiene, it’s time we turn to how you dress your now clean lady bits. In our day and age, the panty line show is a fasion faux pas that few people can get away with without criticism. It is because of this that thongs are all the rage. Many people, when the choice is between wearing a thong, a pad, and going commando, usually choose the thong or putting a pad inside their pants sans underwear. I am here to tell you that both of those choices are not as good at the third: please please ladies, if contemplating the choice, go commando. Thongs are very abrasive and actually tear up the vulva. Pads tend to trap in moisture and they irritate the vulva as well.
Going commando is prescribed for many women, especially those prone to yeast infections. By sleeping without underwear and letting your lower parts breathe, you increase circulation to the area and in turn, increase the health of your sex trove.
If you can’t go commando, wear 100% cotton underwear. Don’t be confused by nylon underwear with cotton crotches because they trap moisture regardless. If you wear pantyhose, try using the thigh high models that keep your v-spot free and airy. When you wash your underthings, use mild, unscented soap and detergents. Don’t use dryer sheets on your underwear because they deposite a filmy residue that can be rubbed off onto skin.
Now that you know how to clean, dress, and all-together take care of your most sensitive and special place, turn the lesson into practice and take your panties off.
Always,
Your Kinseyette
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
my poor roommate: why i watch porn
Over the development of my sexual identity, I have been a skeptic, a neophyte, and even a die-hard feminist. I have questioned my beliefs, sanity, and even my sexuality. I have read and interpreted so many views of Feminism and sex that sometimes it is difficult to differentiate my own beliefs and thoughts from those of Mary Wollstonecraft, Kinsey, Lucy Stone, and even Abigail Adams.
It is time to stay honest. And what am I going to be talking about so truthfully? What opinions am I going to express? To help juxtapose my truth with a modern and accessible institution, I am going to talk about video pornography. I will be talking not out of my ass, but from my own opinions. It just so happens, maybe unfortunately, that my opinions go against most of the opinions i have been provided with throughout my academic career as a feminist. Some might see that as a problem: I only see an opportunity. I am going to describe my own feeling towards video pornography, as well as how I feel this media fits into the modern feminist perspective of the world.
Before I even go on, I must explain a few things. Firstly, I realize that throughout the rest of this essay I will use the term “sexual aberrations” several times. I want to clarify what I mean by this. I do not mean that having uniquely sexual fantasies or having fetishes is a bad thing, because it is not at all. Who is to judge anybody today and say his or her differences are negative. I only use the term as a describer for the idea of sexual fantasies, fetishes, and practices that are outside the societal norm today. Moreover, I feel the need to describe the title of this essay. My roommate is “poor” because she has had to spend the last couple nights in our room, trying to do chemistry homework while I have porn on high volume blaring on my computer screen. It didn’t take long before she began to elect doing her chemistry in the library instead.
So lets get down to the dirty stuff: What is pornography, and why is it so controversial? The history of pornography starts with the name: pornography literally means the written record of a prostitute. Pornography may be defined as a number of different medias, including printed literature, photos, sculpture, drawing, painting, animation, sound recording, film, video, and videogames. Ironically, sex shows and stripping are not considered pornography since “live action” is excluded form the definition. It isn’t hard to understand why pornography, especially certain types of video pornography, is controversial. Watching others have sex via video pornography, no matter how arousing, embarrasses populations of people. I should say especially if it is arousing. People have an uncanny ability to deny what arouses them.
There have been many movements that are geared towards the abolition of pornography. It isn’t a matter of selective abolition, like the anti child-pornography crusades (which I completely agree with). Anti-porn groups are stripping the legitimacy of large mainstream porn companies and helping aid the definition of porn as a dirty, violence and sex-crime creating institution. Porn stars are considered whores (which by definition they are) and the porn industry is considered an anomaly: an anomaly that grosses billions of dollars each year. In fact, the porn industry has been deemed one of the only institutions not affected by the current economic recession.
So, in a world in which porn is as easy to find as a recipe to bake classic-style chocolate chip cookies, what’s with all the uproar? One could state religion, but arguing with religion is just too complicated. The largest argument against porn is actually the idea that violent porn and other original genre porn leads to sexual aberrations and violent behaviors. Moreover, women feel threatened by pornography because they deem is as a standard too high to achieve, both physically and, well, actually. I’ll touch on that later.
While I do believe that viewers of violent porn probably have a tendency towards violence to begin with, I do not think that porn industries should be punished. In fact, I applaud the video porn industry for furthering the sexual revolution. I wholeheartedly do not feel that pornography should be outlawed or deemed inappropriate for the public because I think that pornography is a healthy thing, a necessity that prevents violence by letting it’s viewers live out certain fantasies in a safe environment that may be inappropriate or even dangerous in real life.
Many people have been able to live out their secret sexual fantasies through pornography, and how could that ever be a bad thing? Vicarious fulfillment of fantasy is a much better alternative than first-hand experience, especially when the fantasy revolves around violence towards women. It is when fantasy and reality converge that violence occurs.
I once read in an old psychology today that new studies had been published stating that dreams are the body’s way of living out its own personal goals that it knows will not come true. Ever had a dream about winning the lottery? That is your body’s way of living out that fantasy so you can feel fulfilled and you wont drop out of work and pursue a career as a professional lotto player. Dreams help ease obsessions, guilt, and even pain. People have dreams about those who have died and the pain is alleviated; you have a dream you got an A on a test so you stop stressing. In my opinion, pornography is the dream of sexual aberrations. Pornography is how people with this yearning and desires deal with the pain of not being able to experience what they truly want to experience first hand.
People will go to great lengths to satisfy their sexual desires. For example, lets look at the case of Mr. Hands. Mr. Hands is the online handle for a man made famous by dying living out his own personal sexual fantasy. Mr. Hands, or Kenneth Pinyan, was just an average American man who enjoyed engaging in sexual activities with full-sized stallions. He would occasionally film his nights with horses and he would distribute these videos among other people who felt the same sexual urge, but didn’t want to risk having sex with horses. One night, the sex went wrong and Pinyan was fatally injured. My point in this story is that it is much safer and “more socially acceptable” to watch someone else have sex with a horse than to try it yourself. For example, in today’s society, violence in men is supported, but when a man wants to pick a fight in a socially acceptable situation, he takes up boxing. He uses the non-social behavior and conforms it to a more socially acceptable one. The same could be said for men and women who watch pornography.
Porn, like most things in life, can only be what the person experiencing it makes of it. For example, who would’ve though those Beatles songs would elicit such a strong response in Charles Manson to the point that he would condone and practice murderous activities? The argument against porn is the same as the argument against violent television and movies. In my own opinion, and this may piss off a lot of people, I truly believe that it takes something from within someone to take a vicarious experience and wish to make it a real one. Don’t get me wrong, there have been many times that I’ve watched movies about an action hero or a drug addict and wished I could either fight crime or live the life of a strung-out loser, but there is always apart of me that says, “this isn’t real.”
Many will argue that violent porn, or “rape” porn contributes to the violence that is geared towards women. While I do agree that if interpreted incorrectly this might be the case, I want to clear up how easy it is to not make that mistake. Most violent porn videos are clearly not intended to be offensive, and most have the word “Fantasy” in the title. The porn industry doesn’t want to condone violence; it is just a supply and demand chain that demands the supply of more and more violent pornography.
In Judith Lorber’s essay “Night to his Day:” the Social Construction of Gender, Lorber examines the idea that gender (like culture itself) is in fact human made and it depends wholly on everyone “doing gender.” She also says “genders are not attached to a biological substratum.” This is most clearly seen in transvestites and transsexuals constructing their chosen gender by “doing” it: walking, talking, acting, and dressing like their desired gender. This gender construction starts, according to Lorber, at birth and on the basis of what their genitals look like. This is called “sex category.” After this fateful discovery, the baby itself is made into their “gender status” by dress, name, and adorations. Pink is the color for girls, while blue is the color for boys; I’ve known that rule my entire life.
It is this idea of GENDER, of being able to experience sex as ANOTHER GENDER that makes porn so appealing. By watching pornography, a girl can live vicariously through the male character as well as the female character. Women can explore their own sexuality by experimenting with lesbian porn, and the same could be said for men and gay porn. To clarify, just because you are gay and enjoy heterosexual porn does not make you a closeted heterosexual: that is the point of pornography; it is a fantasy world where you can be whoever you want and have sex with whomever, however, and whenever you want.
The beauty ideal of pornography can be defined as a genre of beauty. In video porn, the women are always beautiful with big chests, flat stomachs, and perfect teeth and hair. Some women argue that porn makes an unrealistic image and goal of women that can never be achieved, and therefore it is a bad thing. They say that they make men feel that what is beautiful is a sexually aggressive woman. I argue that it is the complete opposite. I much rather my boyfriend or husband watch porn with a perfect blonde bimbo he know he can never have then actually run around in real life. I keep repeating myself but this is a point I am trying to drive home: pornography is a fantasy, and sometimes fantasies have a way of trying to become realities. By living out fantasies vicariously, we can help prevent real-life issues from happening.
I am not naive. I know that child porn is inappropriate, and that encouragement of desensitization, human trafficking, and dehumanization is wrong. My goal is to not support the previous discrepancies: I only want to share my beliefs. For me it is as simple as this: Why should anyone feel like his or her sexual aberrations are anything but normal? Sex itself is an activity that is exactly what the doer makes of it. It’s ambiguous and it comes in so many sizes, shapes, and forms. I believe that it is this fundamental thought, the idea of being able to be yourself in a way that makes you happy, that is an important aspect of feminism and in life itself. I have learned so much in my academic career, but most importantly I have learned that it is ok, nay, it is imperative, that I stick up for what I believe in no matter what the odds are or no matter what the subject. I feel like when I stick up for myself, for my beliefs, for my body, and for my morals, I am being the best feminist I can be. By juxtaposing this feminist ideal to the idea of pornography, how could there even be any bad taste left in your mouth? Sex can be violent, sex can be creepy, and sex can be lovely. Sex can also be a fantasy, and this fantasy is what drives the pornography business to success. As long as there are sexual aberrations and unique fetishes, the porn industry will always reign supreme. Judge not thy neighbor, because you can never be too sure when something strange and unusual might turn you on, too.
It is time to stay honest. And what am I going to be talking about so truthfully? What opinions am I going to express? To help juxtapose my truth with a modern and accessible institution, I am going to talk about video pornography. I will be talking not out of my ass, but from my own opinions. It just so happens, maybe unfortunately, that my opinions go against most of the opinions i have been provided with throughout my academic career as a feminist. Some might see that as a problem: I only see an opportunity. I am going to describe my own feeling towards video pornography, as well as how I feel this media fits into the modern feminist perspective of the world.
Before I even go on, I must explain a few things. Firstly, I realize that throughout the rest of this essay I will use the term “sexual aberrations” several times. I want to clarify what I mean by this. I do not mean that having uniquely sexual fantasies or having fetishes is a bad thing, because it is not at all. Who is to judge anybody today and say his or her differences are negative. I only use the term as a describer for the idea of sexual fantasies, fetishes, and practices that are outside the societal norm today. Moreover, I feel the need to describe the title of this essay. My roommate is “poor” because she has had to spend the last couple nights in our room, trying to do chemistry homework while I have porn on high volume blaring on my computer screen. It didn’t take long before she began to elect doing her chemistry in the library instead.
So lets get down to the dirty stuff: What is pornography, and why is it so controversial? The history of pornography starts with the name: pornography literally means the written record of a prostitute. Pornography may be defined as a number of different medias, including printed literature, photos, sculpture, drawing, painting, animation, sound recording, film, video, and videogames. Ironically, sex shows and stripping are not considered pornography since “live action” is excluded form the definition. It isn’t hard to understand why pornography, especially certain types of video pornography, is controversial. Watching others have sex via video pornography, no matter how arousing, embarrasses populations of people. I should say especially if it is arousing. People have an uncanny ability to deny what arouses them.
There have been many movements that are geared towards the abolition of pornography. It isn’t a matter of selective abolition, like the anti child-pornography crusades (which I completely agree with). Anti-porn groups are stripping the legitimacy of large mainstream porn companies and helping aid the definition of porn as a dirty, violence and sex-crime creating institution. Porn stars are considered whores (which by definition they are) and the porn industry is considered an anomaly: an anomaly that grosses billions of dollars each year. In fact, the porn industry has been deemed one of the only institutions not affected by the current economic recession.
So, in a world in which porn is as easy to find as a recipe to bake classic-style chocolate chip cookies, what’s with all the uproar? One could state religion, but arguing with religion is just too complicated. The largest argument against porn is actually the idea that violent porn and other original genre porn leads to sexual aberrations and violent behaviors. Moreover, women feel threatened by pornography because they deem is as a standard too high to achieve, both physically and, well, actually. I’ll touch on that later.
While I do believe that viewers of violent porn probably have a tendency towards violence to begin with, I do not think that porn industries should be punished. In fact, I applaud the video porn industry for furthering the sexual revolution. I wholeheartedly do not feel that pornography should be outlawed or deemed inappropriate for the public because I think that pornography is a healthy thing, a necessity that prevents violence by letting it’s viewers live out certain fantasies in a safe environment that may be inappropriate or even dangerous in real life.
Many people have been able to live out their secret sexual fantasies through pornography, and how could that ever be a bad thing? Vicarious fulfillment of fantasy is a much better alternative than first-hand experience, especially when the fantasy revolves around violence towards women. It is when fantasy and reality converge that violence occurs.
I once read in an old psychology today that new studies had been published stating that dreams are the body’s way of living out its own personal goals that it knows will not come true. Ever had a dream about winning the lottery? That is your body’s way of living out that fantasy so you can feel fulfilled and you wont drop out of work and pursue a career as a professional lotto player. Dreams help ease obsessions, guilt, and even pain. People have dreams about those who have died and the pain is alleviated; you have a dream you got an A on a test so you stop stressing. In my opinion, pornography is the dream of sexual aberrations. Pornography is how people with this yearning and desires deal with the pain of not being able to experience what they truly want to experience first hand.
People will go to great lengths to satisfy their sexual desires. For example, lets look at the case of Mr. Hands. Mr. Hands is the online handle for a man made famous by dying living out his own personal sexual fantasy. Mr. Hands, or Kenneth Pinyan, was just an average American man who enjoyed engaging in sexual activities with full-sized stallions. He would occasionally film his nights with horses and he would distribute these videos among other people who felt the same sexual urge, but didn’t want to risk having sex with horses. One night, the sex went wrong and Pinyan was fatally injured. My point in this story is that it is much safer and “more socially acceptable” to watch someone else have sex with a horse than to try it yourself. For example, in today’s society, violence in men is supported, but when a man wants to pick a fight in a socially acceptable situation, he takes up boxing. He uses the non-social behavior and conforms it to a more socially acceptable one. The same could be said for men and women who watch pornography.
Porn, like most things in life, can only be what the person experiencing it makes of it. For example, who would’ve though those Beatles songs would elicit such a strong response in Charles Manson to the point that he would condone and practice murderous activities? The argument against porn is the same as the argument against violent television and movies. In my own opinion, and this may piss off a lot of people, I truly believe that it takes something from within someone to take a vicarious experience and wish to make it a real one. Don’t get me wrong, there have been many times that I’ve watched movies about an action hero or a drug addict and wished I could either fight crime or live the life of a strung-out loser, but there is always apart of me that says, “this isn’t real.”
Many will argue that violent porn, or “rape” porn contributes to the violence that is geared towards women. While I do agree that if interpreted incorrectly this might be the case, I want to clear up how easy it is to not make that mistake. Most violent porn videos are clearly not intended to be offensive, and most have the word “Fantasy” in the title. The porn industry doesn’t want to condone violence; it is just a supply and demand chain that demands the supply of more and more violent pornography.
In Judith Lorber’s essay “Night to his Day:” the Social Construction of Gender, Lorber examines the idea that gender (like culture itself) is in fact human made and it depends wholly on everyone “doing gender.” She also says “genders are not attached to a biological substratum.” This is most clearly seen in transvestites and transsexuals constructing their chosen gender by “doing” it: walking, talking, acting, and dressing like their desired gender. This gender construction starts, according to Lorber, at birth and on the basis of what their genitals look like. This is called “sex category.” After this fateful discovery, the baby itself is made into their “gender status” by dress, name, and adorations. Pink is the color for girls, while blue is the color for boys; I’ve known that rule my entire life.
It is this idea of GENDER, of being able to experience sex as ANOTHER GENDER that makes porn so appealing. By watching pornography, a girl can live vicariously through the male character as well as the female character. Women can explore their own sexuality by experimenting with lesbian porn, and the same could be said for men and gay porn. To clarify, just because you are gay and enjoy heterosexual porn does not make you a closeted heterosexual: that is the point of pornography; it is a fantasy world where you can be whoever you want and have sex with whomever, however, and whenever you want.
The beauty ideal of pornography can be defined as a genre of beauty. In video porn, the women are always beautiful with big chests, flat stomachs, and perfect teeth and hair. Some women argue that porn makes an unrealistic image and goal of women that can never be achieved, and therefore it is a bad thing. They say that they make men feel that what is beautiful is a sexually aggressive woman. I argue that it is the complete opposite. I much rather my boyfriend or husband watch porn with a perfect blonde bimbo he know he can never have then actually run around in real life. I keep repeating myself but this is a point I am trying to drive home: pornography is a fantasy, and sometimes fantasies have a way of trying to become realities. By living out fantasies vicariously, we can help prevent real-life issues from happening.
I am not naive. I know that child porn is inappropriate, and that encouragement of desensitization, human trafficking, and dehumanization is wrong. My goal is to not support the previous discrepancies: I only want to share my beliefs. For me it is as simple as this: Why should anyone feel like his or her sexual aberrations are anything but normal? Sex itself is an activity that is exactly what the doer makes of it. It’s ambiguous and it comes in so many sizes, shapes, and forms. I believe that it is this fundamental thought, the idea of being able to be yourself in a way that makes you happy, that is an important aspect of feminism and in life itself. I have learned so much in my academic career, but most importantly I have learned that it is ok, nay, it is imperative, that I stick up for what I believe in no matter what the odds are or no matter what the subject. I feel like when I stick up for myself, for my beliefs, for my body, and for my morals, I am being the best feminist I can be. By juxtaposing this feminist ideal to the idea of pornography, how could there even be any bad taste left in your mouth? Sex can be violent, sex can be creepy, and sex can be lovely. Sex can also be a fantasy, and this fantasy is what drives the pornography business to success. As long as there are sexual aberrations and unique fetishes, the porn industry will always reign supreme. Judge not thy neighbor, because you can never be too sure when something strange and unusual might turn you on, too.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
i promise we'll all get another chance
Dean is my ex boyfriend. Our relationship is akin to hell and after two and a half years of dealing with the drama I have officially decided to move on. Thinking about why I finally made the decision is the topic of this post. Before I explain the relationship, I should probably explain Dean.
Dean is the kind of guy that most people are afraid of. He is big and hulking. He has a shaven head and doesn’t smile very often. I thought he was a complete tool before I got to know him, and even then it took me a little while to get past his “mean” demeanor. Getting to know Dean was like getting to know myself. I fell in love fast and hard.
I met dean in gym glass my senior year of high school. I was on the dance team, and he was on football. I had just come out of my first real relationship and my heart was still mending. Dean seemed like the answer to the question that kept haunting me: will I ever be happy? We started dating almost right away, and our relationship was solid all the way through football season.
Soon after football play-offs Dean dumped me on the snow-covered hills in my backyard. I was heartbroken and cried for weeks. The only problem was that even though we were broken up, we had this undeniable physical chemistry that kept pulling us together. Whether it was sneaking over to his apartment during open lunch or making out before poms practice, whenever we were alone, Dean and I couldn’t stay off each other. Now though I am a fan of friends-with-benefits relationships (especially when they are pure and true), the only problem was that I was still in love with him, and he couldn't care less about my feelings.
After graduation, Dean enlisted in the Marines and I set out to go to college. While I was starting at Tulane, Dean was going through Marine Corps boot camp. We sent each other letters constantly and based on what we both wrote to one another, I figured that when he got out we were going to get back together. It took about a month of drama and tears, but I was right: soon enough we were facebook official and I was so content. I should’ve taken it as a bad sign when I was surprised that things were so great. We said “I love you” and he even talked about getting married to me. I was the happiest I had ever been.
I knew it was too good to be true though. I knew Dean more than anyone else, and I knew that deep down he would think of a reason to end things with me once we got too close. Again, I was right.
So here I am. Dean is on deployment to Iraq and even though I want to be there for him through this difficult time, he wants nothing to do with me. He wants me to believe that he doesn’t need me, that he can do things on his own. For two and a half years, all I have done is wait on him hand and foot, putting him before me, my family, my life, and even my happiness. And now I have nothing to show for it but old pictures and his rusty dogtags.
Why the hell did I do this? I’m a smart girl, how could I let this happen to me? What was I thinking when I took someone who wasn’t worth it and judged my own personal worth by him?
For a while I was afraid that Dean was “the one,” that nothing like what we had would ever happen to me ever again. I see now how childish that Idea is. Nothing in this universe happens just once. Nothing. Infinity goes in both direction. There is no unique event, no singular moment. That means you'll get another chance. That means we’ll all get another chance.
In other words, don't ever let anyone make you feel like nothing better will ever come a long. I promise you from my heart that you, like I, will get another chance. And it will be greater and more incredible than either of us could’ve ever imagined.
Keep your head up, and keep your standards high. You deserve it.
Always,
Your Kinseyette
Dean is the kind of guy that most people are afraid of. He is big and hulking. He has a shaven head and doesn’t smile very often. I thought he was a complete tool before I got to know him, and even then it took me a little while to get past his “mean” demeanor. Getting to know Dean was like getting to know myself. I fell in love fast and hard.
I met dean in gym glass my senior year of high school. I was on the dance team, and he was on football. I had just come out of my first real relationship and my heart was still mending. Dean seemed like the answer to the question that kept haunting me: will I ever be happy? We started dating almost right away, and our relationship was solid all the way through football season.
Soon after football play-offs Dean dumped me on the snow-covered hills in my backyard. I was heartbroken and cried for weeks. The only problem was that even though we were broken up, we had this undeniable physical chemistry that kept pulling us together. Whether it was sneaking over to his apartment during open lunch or making out before poms practice, whenever we were alone, Dean and I couldn’t stay off each other. Now though I am a fan of friends-with-benefits relationships (especially when they are pure and true), the only problem was that I was still in love with him, and he couldn't care less about my feelings.
After graduation, Dean enlisted in the Marines and I set out to go to college. While I was starting at Tulane, Dean was going through Marine Corps boot camp. We sent each other letters constantly and based on what we both wrote to one another, I figured that when he got out we were going to get back together. It took about a month of drama and tears, but I was right: soon enough we were facebook official and I was so content. I should’ve taken it as a bad sign when I was surprised that things were so great. We said “I love you” and he even talked about getting married to me. I was the happiest I had ever been.
I knew it was too good to be true though. I knew Dean more than anyone else, and I knew that deep down he would think of a reason to end things with me once we got too close. Again, I was right.
So here I am. Dean is on deployment to Iraq and even though I want to be there for him through this difficult time, he wants nothing to do with me. He wants me to believe that he doesn’t need me, that he can do things on his own. For two and a half years, all I have done is wait on him hand and foot, putting him before me, my family, my life, and even my happiness. And now I have nothing to show for it but old pictures and his rusty dogtags.
Why the hell did I do this? I’m a smart girl, how could I let this happen to me? What was I thinking when I took someone who wasn’t worth it and judged my own personal worth by him?
For a while I was afraid that Dean was “the one,” that nothing like what we had would ever happen to me ever again. I see now how childish that Idea is. Nothing in this universe happens just once. Nothing. Infinity goes in both direction. There is no unique event, no singular moment. That means you'll get another chance. That means we’ll all get another chance.
In other words, don't ever let anyone make you feel like nothing better will ever come a long. I promise you from my heart that you, like I, will get another chance. And it will be greater and more incredible than either of us could’ve ever imagined.
Keep your head up, and keep your standards high. You deserve it.
Always,
Your Kinseyette
All work and no play is never the way
So Delia had been keeping in touch with me heavily over the couple of days before winter break because her recent relationship development had grown some insecurity and a bit of crazy. She had just hooked up with a bouncer at one of the very popular bars off campus, and emotions are sky-high. “I’m not the relationship type,” she tells me, “but I don’t know what’s going on with us.” The truth is that she didn't want to go on winter break and spend a month away from Tim thinking about him if he wont be thinking about her.
To understand their situation, I ask her some questions. They go along the lines of, when you hooked up who initiated it, how often do you talk, and what do you talk about? Her responses went along the lines of, I’m not sure (does that matter?!), all day long (when we aren’t texting we’re talking on the phone and when we aren’t doing THAT we’re together), and about everything.
I then get into the explanation: it's a really good thing that they are talking often. It is a good sign that shows the relationship isn't just about the physical, as a lot of times that is the case. I am not saying that really successful relationships can't develop from the physical, but the best relationships are based on a foundation of good communication.
I then drove on the the issue of who initiated the hook up. the truth is, who initiated doesn’t even matter. Men sometimes get turned on by the aggressive woman and then there are the times when men like being a Spartan. With new flings, especially ones like Delia’s in which “talking” has occurred for weeks prior to the event, hesitation is most likely due to nerves and the hardcore anticipation that has been building up. Delia and Tim had been talking a lot since one of our sorority parties ended with them meeting. The anticipation of a hook up was always in the back of their minds, so it is no wonder that when the time actually came no one knew where to start.
Johnny put it like this: “It’s like, when you have to pee really bad and you finally get to and you get all ready, unzip your pants (you’ve been thinking about this piss for a while now) and all of a sudden, it’s like performance anxiety. You just. Cant. Piss!”
My girlfriends always complain about who kissed who first, and I am here to tell you to not even think about it. It’s a non-event, move on to more important things to micromanage (like what he means by “luv ya” in a text message).
The real reason behind Delia’s worry is that she’s never had a boyfriend of any kind, and she doesn’t know what to expect and what is to be expected. You shouldn’t know what is going on, especially this early in a relationship. Anything can happen! You guys are just figuring out what is going on and you both aren’t even sure if you really like each other. In college, boys look and act a whole lot different when out from under the lights of the Boot. The same goes for girls, especially those who always wear spanks and water bras.
Another big issue with Delia is that she is a virgin, and Tim is a lot older. Being a virgin is never a bad thing, unless it is not what you want, and i get the feeling that with Delia, it isn't what she wants. I’m fairly certain that if given the chance, Delia would jump at the chance of getting jumped. It's difficult when new relationships start getting physical because it is a natural thing to think about if sex is going to happen. That alone can lend more pressure to the budding relationship and a lot of times that pressure causes a self-combustion.
Between starting a new relationship and dealing with personal insecurities, drama ensues and people tend to get jaded by all of the different options of opportunity laid out before them.
All of this happened with Delia before winterbreak. My advice to her was just to go on vacation, relax, see what happens, and to let things sort themselves out. Everyone needs time apart, and the saying “Distance makes the heart grow fonder” is usually true. Even me and my roommate needed the time of winterbreak to relax and reboot after a semester of stress and chaos. Now it’s mid-january and I haven’t heard much about tim from delia and I’m assuming that the whole situation is a non-event.
My point in telling Delia’s story is to stress the importance of not taking new relationships too seriously. If either party jumps in too quickly and seriousness is the everyday reality, eventually the all work no play atmosphere will cause the relationship to implode. In other words, don’t sweat the small stuff, especially in the beginning. If he doesn’t call, it could mean that he is busy, or that he just isn’t interested. Don’t take it personally and don’t think it’s your fault. Sometimes, things happen for no reason other than the timing is off. SO breathe, relax, and don’t forget to have some fun.
To understand their situation, I ask her some questions. They go along the lines of, when you hooked up who initiated it, how often do you talk, and what do you talk about? Her responses went along the lines of, I’m not sure (does that matter?!), all day long (when we aren’t texting we’re talking on the phone and when we aren’t doing THAT we’re together), and about everything.
I then get into the explanation: it's a really good thing that they are talking often. It is a good sign that shows the relationship isn't just about the physical, as a lot of times that is the case. I am not saying that really successful relationships can't develop from the physical, but the best relationships are based on a foundation of good communication.
I then drove on the the issue of who initiated the hook up. the truth is, who initiated doesn’t even matter. Men sometimes get turned on by the aggressive woman and then there are the times when men like being a Spartan. With new flings, especially ones like Delia’s in which “talking” has occurred for weeks prior to the event, hesitation is most likely due to nerves and the hardcore anticipation that has been building up. Delia and Tim had been talking a lot since one of our sorority parties ended with them meeting. The anticipation of a hook up was always in the back of their minds, so it is no wonder that when the time actually came no one knew where to start.
Johnny put it like this: “It’s like, when you have to pee really bad and you finally get to and you get all ready, unzip your pants (you’ve been thinking about this piss for a while now) and all of a sudden, it’s like performance anxiety. You just. Cant. Piss!”
My girlfriends always complain about who kissed who first, and I am here to tell you to not even think about it. It’s a non-event, move on to more important things to micromanage (like what he means by “luv ya” in a text message).
The real reason behind Delia’s worry is that she’s never had a boyfriend of any kind, and she doesn’t know what to expect and what is to be expected. You shouldn’t know what is going on, especially this early in a relationship. Anything can happen! You guys are just figuring out what is going on and you both aren’t even sure if you really like each other. In college, boys look and act a whole lot different when out from under the lights of the Boot. The same goes for girls, especially those who always wear spanks and water bras.
Another big issue with Delia is that she is a virgin, and Tim is a lot older. Being a virgin is never a bad thing, unless it is not what you want, and i get the feeling that with Delia, it isn't what she wants. I’m fairly certain that if given the chance, Delia would jump at the chance of getting jumped. It's difficult when new relationships start getting physical because it is a natural thing to think about if sex is going to happen. That alone can lend more pressure to the budding relationship and a lot of times that pressure causes a self-combustion.
Between starting a new relationship and dealing with personal insecurities, drama ensues and people tend to get jaded by all of the different options of opportunity laid out before them.
All of this happened with Delia before winterbreak. My advice to her was just to go on vacation, relax, see what happens, and to let things sort themselves out. Everyone needs time apart, and the saying “Distance makes the heart grow fonder” is usually true. Even me and my roommate needed the time of winterbreak to relax and reboot after a semester of stress and chaos. Now it’s mid-january and I haven’t heard much about tim from delia and I’m assuming that the whole situation is a non-event.
My point in telling Delia’s story is to stress the importance of not taking new relationships too seriously. If either party jumps in too quickly and seriousness is the everyday reality, eventually the all work no play atmosphere will cause the relationship to implode. In other words, don’t sweat the small stuff, especially in the beginning. If he doesn’t call, it could mean that he is busy, or that he just isn’t interested. Don’t take it personally and don’t think it’s your fault. Sometimes, things happen for no reason other than the timing is off. SO breathe, relax, and don’t forget to have some fun.
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