SEX in the university

Fearless: My most favorite post yet

2009-05-09T21:53:00.000-07:00

So I have experienced something pretty interesting over the past week. It started out as an epiphany and has turned into something so large I can’t keep it in my head anymore. Over the past seven days, I have spent time with five different girlfriends, all of whom I have had to watch cry hysterically and from the heart over a boy. That number doesn’t include two nights ago when I was the one in need of some serious comforting. All five of these women are incredibly beautiful, intelligent, and wonderful, and all six of us were capable of loving in such a way that even our toes and the ends of each strand of hair reacted to the feeling. The higher you are, the harder you fall. The harder you fall, the more pain you feel.

A year ago I was undergoing observation. For seven days I was hooked up to a computer through electrodes in my brain. These electrodes recorded every single electrical impulse that shot through my head, from the excitement when my family showed up and visited to the pain when I got stuck with yet another needle. Though you could see these slight alterations in my normal brain rhythms, they were pretty lame, not very visible and all around lousy. The only time that my brain showed any seriously remarkable fluctuations was when my best friend would call me. Every time my phone would play this one certain ring tone all the machines began to buzz their warning tones because the computers thought I was going into some sort of altered state.

My best friend? He’s a boy, and his name is Dean. I didn’t realize until that hospital stay when every time he called the warning buzzers would go off that I was seriously in love with him. Not only did my brain waves fluctuate but my heart rate would increase almost immediately and a smile would rip across my face when I would hear his voice. My head couldn’t keep up with my heart and it’s because of that that I wasted way too much time not thinking about him the way I wanted to think about him. Sometimes you have to listen to your heart, literally. Love affects more than what you expect. It goes deeper than anyone can even try to understand. People see pictures of their ex-lovers decades later and can still remember what he smelled like, what her voice sounded like, what it felt like when they walked into the room. That’s the mini-lesson within this big one. Don’t try to make love a little thing, because life is love. To love is to live.

As it turns out, that boy who made my heart literally race and who made me smile so wide is the same boy who made me feel like the world was ending all but 48 hours ago. It’s funny how things like that happen. People fall in and out of love like it means nothing, ignoring the pain that most definitely means something. If more people paid attention to what hurts then we’d have a lot more people holding hands on campus then crying on benches or in the grass in front of Newcomb Hall.

Last night, Alina was on one of those benches crying over a boy. She was hurting in such a way that I felt it before I even saw her. I could read it in her texts; I could hear it in her voice. It was all because of Leo.

She had been seeing Leo casually for about a month, and we were all so excited for her. After years of lame relationships and boys who had more crazy than Tyra, it seemed like this one was going to go her way.

Last night Leo texted Alina. After a week of being flakey he texted her to tell her that “things were crazy” for him right now and that “he couldn’t talk about it” at the moment. For Alina, it was every past relationship repeated. A boy being sketchy. Her feelings being hurt.

Sitting with her, watching her cry, it became very clear to me that miscommunication or no communication is worse than lying. Here she was crying because she had no idea what was going on. Was he going to be like all the rest? Was he going to hurt her like the others? She had no idea and it was because he didn’t give her any clue. So here’s a new rule for you to apply to your life and your way of loving: If you are going through something, go through it. Involve someone either fully or not at all, but don’t be vague because vague is scary. It’s scary and it’s weird and it’s lonely. Say, “things are fine with us, but there’s something going on with my family” or “there were things going on before I met you, but now that I have you I want you to know that those things haven’t gone away.” You don’t have to tell everything, but please, say something.

It’s because I didn’t tell Dean the whole truth that he said what he said to make my world crash around me. I still don’t know if I was in the wrong, but I am learning from my mistakes. Alina is learning too, just the hard way.

As she cried, Alina began to talk about everything that had ever hurt her pertaining to love. She talked and cried and sobbed and as she unraveled the deepest seeded issue began to sprout. Once it sprouted, I could see it, and once she saw it, she said it. “I am never going to find someone. No one will ever love me.” No. one. Will. Ever. Love. me. Those five meaningless words and that one most meaningful word strung together like that have been said over and over by men and women everywhere.

48 hours ago I was on the phone with Alina and I was the one repeating the six words of disparity. No one will ever love me. No one will ever. Ever. Love. Me. The kind of pain that goes along with saying those words out loud and believing them cannot be understood, and that feeling is one of the worst feelings I have ever felt. My world was crumbling. Everything looked the same to everyone else, but to me the world was wrong, it was cold, and it was foreign. Heartache takes many forms, but no matter what the form the pain is the same, and the pain is real.

Though it’s horrible and gross, it is necessary for us to learn how important love is. By feeling the pain we appreciate the pleasure, and we learn lessons through every heartache and heartbreak. It may feel like you are dying, but you’re not. And what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

For me, things are already looking up. I have moved on from feeling everything to feeling just one thing: content. I don't feel any pain right now, I don't even feel the urge to make phone calls or send texts. I'm not checking my phone a hundred times or facebook stalking. I am finally living my life free of fear, having fun, and enjoying the view up here where being happy is an every moment state of existence. I'm moving on. Finally!

I know Alina is going to find someone and when she does, I know that it is going to be real. Everyone finds someone. The timing may not be right. The situation may not be ideal but the love is real.

Alina, I know that you said that for 22 years your life has been without love, but you are wrong. Look at all the people around you who love you. We may not be the right person and the love may not be what you are looking for, but it's love. You are going to feel it. When you feel it I know you are going to call me and tell me and we are going to laugh about how funny it was when we thought we would never find it. We'll be eachothers' maids of honor and when we give our toasts, this very subject will open the monologue. It's going to happen not because any of us says so, but because it is INEVITABLE and CONSEQUENTIAL. Love comes in waves, so just sit on the beach and get some sun until the tide comes in.

Love is life, and growth extends from love. Talk more, feel more, and forgive more. You’ll be surprised how easy everything else seems to come.

Your Kinseyette

Cute furniture, sexy undertones

2009-04-17T13:38:00.000-07:00

So I came upon this website that had furniture that doubled as pleasure devices. I thought I might share with you what I found :-)

Always,
Your Kinseyette

http://www.fastcompany.com/blog/michael-cannell/cannell/milan-preview-love-design

A wonderful surprise

2009-04-06T12:40:00.001-07:00

This is an email I got, and I decided I HAD to share this. I hope it touches you like it touched me.

Kinseyette-- I have great news. Possibly the greatest news I've had in a long time. Of course, I told my girls but I wanted to share it with you too.

About a month ago, I was casually dating this guy and everything was... well, fantastic. except one little thing. and its going to sound ridiculous, but I knew things weren't going to work out because he kept telling me how sexy I was. This is something I have never believed to be true about myself. I have never been "sexy" in my entire life; I am always the cute one, or the pretty one, or the one with the great smile. I love being that girl.

When things went south, despite what actually happened, I knew that the sexy issue was at the root and I was the only one who could to fix it. What scared me more was the fact that if i didn't fix it, it could ruin another great relationship in the future. I kept telling myself to email you and ask you what to do, ask you what makes a girl sexy, how do i feel sexy? for some girls its putting on a pair of heels or beautiful lingerie but that has never done it for me -- they just make me feel fun.

I have some of the most beautiful friends, but they are in the same boat too and that's why I'm telling you my little story. Girls -- Sexy is not just a Victoria Secrets Model with 0% body fat, and double D's. Boys say Playboy models and porn stars are sexy, but that's just a fantasy and lets be honest -- we have them too. Those girls are flat on a page, or on the computer. Their isn't any interaction. Sexy isn't about height, or weight or how great your boobs are. I am really tall, not all that skinny and have no boobs. But i have this kind of control. I don't know if I can fully explain it. Someone told me a long time ago that sexy is an attitude, you have to exude sexiness. I did not know what the hell they were talking about. Dancing on Saturday night, it all came to me. I had a great time, and as we all sometimes do, I went home that night with someone I shouldn't have. Usually, I exhibit pretty good self control, but somewhere in my drunken state, I let myself go. Something changed inside of me. We weren't grinding away or anything, but instead, would dance really close and he would spin me all around. I knew him pretty well. He always carried himself like such a tough guy, he's not your love-able, hug-able, squeeze-able guy friend. He's a mans man, beer in hand, football playing guy. But Saturday, he was like puddy in my hand. He wanted it, he wanted me and I was in control -- I was the one who decided what he got. I revealed a different side of him.

All day Sunday, I had the worst hangover of my life. I live my life with no regrets because they don't help anything. Inside my pounding head, I was regretting the night before. That's when the last guy i dated came back to me. Its always the ones with a little bit of sass that get me (and its probably my downfall.) He was always just a little pouty, but if I looked at him just the right way, he cracked the biggest grin, gave me that, "ohgod, I wasn't going to smile but you got me again" look and... well... there went our clothes. At least for me, sexy is my power to melt off that brooding, tough, or sassy exterior with a look, a smile or a kiss. That's when I stopped regretting the night before. I found another part of me.

I feel like a whole new woman. Just living life is a little more fun now. I have always loved to people watch and this just puts a new spin on things. I would also like to note that this is a major step for me. About three years ago, I ended a serious relationship -- but also an abusive relationship and I have really allowed myself to get involved with a guy since then. Maybe that is why, for me, being sexy is about being in control. Its been a long road, some major healing and forgiveness, soul searching and life changes, but I am finally coming into my own. I can't even tell you how excited I am to just go live.

It was about damn time I got out of my rut.
have fun. be fearless.

love, s

"You don't have to dress up for it"

2009-03-25T17:36:00.001-07:00

It has come to my attention in the last 24 hours that a few of my good friends (who are girls) have never masturbated to the point of orgasm before. This, to me, is not only shocking but also unbelievable for college-age women.

Men, I am sorry to leave you out of this, but it is pretty much inevitable that unless you have consciously attempted to abstain from masturbation you have in fact whacked yourself off. Don’t be offended; it’s just the truth.

Ladies, before I even start, I need to say this: How can you expect a man to do it if you have never even tried? You can’t assume a guy is going to go through all that work if you never took the time to do it yourself. So my question now is: why aren’t your hands down your pants right now?

Plain and simple, there is nothing but healthiness associated with masturbation. Yes, it’s true that Kellogg’s corn flakes were invented by Sir Kellogg to prevent young boys from masturbating. Don’t believe me? Do your own research and you will find that I am anything but fully on top of the truth. For years and years masturbation was seen as a negative thing, a way for people to have seizures, warts, diseases, everything from blindness to hyperactivity. It is now known that the only bad thing that can come from chronic masturbation is a blister and an unwavering smile.

Truman capote once said that masturbation is great because “You don’t have to dress up for it,” and that is the truth. To start, if you never have, make sure you’re naked. Using a mirror might help at first but after a while you aren’t going to want to look at all your bits all the time. So get down there, check yourself out, and revel in the beauty that s your baby maker. That’s right lades, baby maker.

Your clitoris is located under your clitoral hood. This is the spot, your locus, and the area that will bring about your orgasms. Make sure you understand this part of you, every single part of this part, as one day you might have to show your man where it is.

What next? Well that is completely up to you. If toys are your thing check our drugstore.com as a discrete way to buy and receive sex toys. Make sure you get a toy with clitoral vibration or stimulation, as that is how you are most likely going to reach orgasm.

If machinery isn’t your thing, use your hands. Use lubrication and use circular motions. You want to directly stimulate your clitoris constantly and with enough pressure that orgasm is reached. How will you know you reached orgasm??? Well, let me just say that you can’t miss it.

Most women need to be warmed up. Reading erotic stories online or watching porn will most assuredly help. I know, it may seem strange and weird reading about other peoples love trysts, but before you know it you will see that “Eric” can heat you up just as much as he does to “Amber.” Porn is hard to watch at first, and if you don’t like it, don’t do it. Whatever works for you (like watching Zac Effron or Rob Pattinson in their movies) do it. You will not have a successful masturbatory session if you aren’t turned on.

So don’t be embarrassed, its natural. Not to mention recent studies show that women who can reach climax on their own efficiently are WAY more likely to reach it with their partner. Practice makes perfect in more than just your reading, writing, and arithmetic. Do the math, and don’t forget about your clit.

Always,
Your Kinseyette

Juicy New STORIES

2009-03-25T17:21:00.000-07:00

Helloooo everyone! Just though y'all should know that I am up and updating, so if any of you have any questions, comments, concerns, please feel free to email me at xxxxnoochxxxx@mac.com. Everything is 100% anonymous and contractually I will never reveal anything you don't want me to.

So dig deep (but don't hurt yourself) and send me anything you've got

Always,
Your Kinseyette

P.S
The image below is real video footage found of two people literally having sex on a freeway. Just thought I'd share :-)

One more chart

2009-03-13T23:32:00.001-07:00

Let me just say that condoms are more than just something to blow up as balloons at a bachelorette party. They should be used every time for as long as you don't want to be pregnant OR diseased. STD's are more volatile now more than ever, and sometimes your partner doesn't even know that what they have is a STD. Sometimes his balls itch, how is he supposed to know that he actually has a male HPV or herpes? Not everyone understands infection and not all infections are immediately understandable. So do yourself and your junk a favor and wrap it before you use it. Okay?!

This chart shows the prices of condoms in different countries and cities. Just something to think about.

Always,
Your Kinseyette

Simple and true

2009-03-13T23:28:00.000-07:00

Just a little something to make you smile!

Always,
Your Kinseyette

normalcy please

2009-03-13T23:09:00.001-07:00

Here is an email I just got:

What about stupid, awkward boys? Can we talk about that? The ones that avoid you for absolutely no reason, even after you've leveled the playing field. ... they suck. I'm sorry I couldn't go home with you ONE night. ONE. But when I return the question and you've moved on, I call that even. No hard feelings. Stop being awkward. I DON’T CARE. Why do they think we care so much after it's obvious we're even? I kicked your ego. You kicked mine; let's go back to normalcy, PLEASE!

Children, it has finally come the time to talk about relationships. Yes, you heard me; we are going to delve into some of the more idiot moves of the men and women who are trying to find happiness together.

Girl, it seems to me like there are some serious misunderstandings going on right about now. You didn’t go home with this guy one night and now that awkward stage of what-the-fuck-are-we-friends-or-can-we-still-try-this-going-home-thing is occurring all around you.

Firstly, you are completely correct, his ego has been shit on. IT ISN’T YOUR FAULT! People need to learn to deal with rejection and bounce back from it, especially when it comes to dating and relationships. If we get hung up on every rejection we will never get anywhere. Look at you! You have bounced back. He is the one who is deflated on the floor.

Men, if a girl turns you down once, don’t assume that this means she is never going to want to go home with you or that she doesn’t want to spend that very night in your bed. I mean, don’t get me wrong, please don’t ask her over every night or stalk her at the palms, but you never know what is really going on in her life right now. There may be a complication or drama that you don’t even want to remotely get involved in and she is trying to spare you from it. All of this goes for you ladies as well. Both men and women need to think from the perspective of the other to help everyone understand what the fuck is going on.

So he moved on, you moved on, and things aren’t normal because…? It’s incredibly difficult sometimes for some people to deal with embarrassment. For me personally, it’s probably the hardest thing to get over. It seems from what you have told me that he either is playing a game with you or he has an issue with the embarrassment associated with rejection.

You got to think if he is going to take something that miniscule so seriously, then maybe he had some sort of feelings towards you. If that was the case, give him time and space to get over it. It is always way harder to deal with things when feelings are hurt.

And now on to the games we play. Games are old and outdated, yet we all feel the need to play them constantly. It was only a few short weeks ago that Dakota told me not to text a boy so that I can play one of these games with him. What did I end up doing? I called him. I walked back to my room and I called him. I made my own rules. Was she right? Well, as of right now this boy and me are in no way dating, but I don’t thank that has to do with my calling patterns.

Since the release of the book, film, and copycat publications of “He’s just not that into you,” women and men alike are realizing that games are becoming more and more painful and destructive. Yes, there is a time when being coy or keeping secrets is cute and adorable, but eventually you just have to admit you have a crush and let yourself either fall in love or get kicked in the ass and left on the curb. Either way you have an ANWER and the AWKWARDNESS that is a close cousin of SILENCE has no way of existing.

If he is playing a game with you, don’t play back. It is only a matter of time before he gets off his high horse and starts walking beside you again. You just have to let him know, in your own personal way, that you haven’t nor will you ever use anything against him. In other words, you have to have him realize that you really don’t care. How do you do this? Act normally around him. Send him a text, have him meet you for lunch somewhere. Talk about normal things and show him that there IS INFACT a friendship to salvage. If it’s worth it, it’s worth it.

If that doesn’t work, let him know somehow that everything really is okay. That normalcy can be achieved. My advice, in short, is talk. Communicate. You don’t ever have to bring up the rejection or the subsequent reversal of the table, you can start a new chapter right here, right now. Start a new book if you want, just start over.

Anything else let me know, and keep me updated.

Always,
Your Kinseyette

Average PENIS size PREFERENCE: according to women

2009-03-13T22:31:00.001-07:00

A new email: Vaginismus

2009-03-13T22:23:00.000-07:00

Here is an email I JUST received in my inbox:

Dear Kinseyette,

I have recently discovered your blog, and I find it very interesting to read. I do have an issue that if possible I would like you to address, however if you have previously addressed this in your blog I apologize; I have not read through all of your earlier postings, and if that is the case, could you please refer me to what date to look at? Thank you.

On to my question...I am 21 years old and have been with my boyfriend, "J," age 20, for a little over a year. We were both virgins until last summer when we had sex. Long story short, after not being able to have sex for literally ten seconds before I was in excruciating pain, lots of experimentation with various lubes and positions, and a visit to the gynecologist, I discovered that I have Vaginismus. I have been using the prescription cream Estrace for some time now, and we have gotten up to about 4 minutes of straight (albeit very slow, and very shallow) relatively pain-free sex, but we are obviously hoping to improve. Let me just say that J has been nothing but supportive and wonderful throughout this whole ordeal, so I definitely have his patience working in my favor. We have had the most luck in the missionary position, as in any "girl on top" position my vagina literally rejects his penis. Lubes tend to give me a burning sensation, so for now we are using Vaseline, which has been working pretty well. (We know not to use it with condoms, and I am on the Pill, and neither of us has even come close to orgasm during sexual intercourse.) My doctor also recommended that I be fully relaxed and stimulated before we begin intercourse, which we have been very faithful at doing. Although we have definitely come a long way from where we started, our progress is still incredibly slow and I have never had an intercourse experience without any pain. I was hoping you could recommend some techniques for us to help us have sex like normal people? One more thing, my doctor did also suggest using dilators, however this option does not appeal to me in the least. Any help you could give me would be much appreciated.

Thank you, and happy writing.

Sincerely,
Your reader

So, reader, I am very very glad you wrote in today. I really appreciate you taking the time to write this, and I am more than fully prepared to answer all of your questions.

Firstly, for all of you who don’t know what she is talking about, Vaginismus is a condition in which there is a tightening of the entry of the vagina. This can indeed make intercourse painful and in some cases completely impossible. There are many causes and many treatments for this condition, and it seems like you have done all the research physically possible at the time being. It must feel very lonely and confusing right now, but I am glad you have organized some options.

You stated that you didn’t want to use dilators. I don’t blame you! Sticking something ELSE up there just isn’t a very pleasant thought, no matter what the situation is.

Before I even begin, I just want to say something to all of the women who are currently experiencing vaginal pain during intercourse. No matter how much you want, love, or need the man you are with, do not EVER think that it is a good idea to grit and bear the pain in an attempt to get him off. You can cause permanent damage or make your condition worse. With that in mind, you should know the basics.

Firstly, I just want to go over some of the causes of Vaginismus. There is a whole group of sex scientists and therapists who believe that this condition may indeed stem from an original issue. This issue can either be a traumatic experience, previous pain during intercourse, or even a bad body image. Our bodies sometimes do things that we think are accidental or awkward, but in reality there is usually a reason behind the wreaking of havoc.

Sit down one day and think if this may be your issue as well. I know you said you were a virgin before you and your boyfriend decided to try intercourse, so your problem is probably not a previous traumatic sexual experience. Because of this, you should just think about how you (I know this may sound strange, but follow me) think about your vulva and vagina. If you don’t know what you think about it, I am going to prescribe to you a little experiment that is sure to open your eyes a bit.

Sit in front of a mirror or grab a hand-held compact. Oh yes dear, you heard me! I really want you to get down and dirty with yo bad self. I want you to look at your vulva and vagina, and see what it looks like. Put a little lubricant on your finger and gently massage the opening of your vagina. If your body allows it, try inserting one finger, two, and so on until you are gently (and slowly) slipping at least one finger in easily. Your body should react less to your own touch as it does to the touch of your boyfriend. If you can do this on a REGULAR (yes, regular) basis, you will be FAR better off when it comes to the main event with your main man.

Until you can do this to yourself and do it to the point that it is pleasurable instead of painful, you should call off sex for a few weeks. I have some other ideas of things you can try in the meantime, however!

If you want to get some bump and grind contact without the bump, try the grind! That’s right; make your vulva the bun to his hotdog. Get on top, lubricate the shaft of his penis and the inside of your labia and vulva, and grind yourself up and down his erection. Chances are one or both of you will get off and there will be no pain associated with insertion. For your own personal information and research, this form of getting off is called femoral intercourse.

If you can learn to achieve orgasm by using femoral intercourse, then only good things can happen. As soon as this act becomes natural, your vagina will eventually teach itself to relax and sooner than you think actual vaginal intercourse will be possible.

You said in your question that you and your boyfriend have been practicing foreplay techniques religiously. This is SO good to hear, as this can be the biggest issue and cause of vaginal pain during intercourse. Since you didn’t go into detail on your techniques (and I don’t blame you!) I am going to shoot you some myself.

You should have your boyfriend use the Vaseline you have been using (I am glad something is working okay for you) and to use it to massage your vaginal opening much like how you should be practicing doing it to yourself. After the massage becomes successful and pleasurable, allow him to insert one finger up to the first knuckle and gently swirl his digit inside of you. This gently movement is incredibly sexy and further teaches your vagina to relax.

Most of your problems are probably related to your need of relaxation. Try a breathing tape or take a nap before the act, anything that can help you take a deep breath. If bathtubs are your thing, try this with some lavender in your tub with your boy. The water will feel great on your bits, and he will have a whole tub of natural lubricant to work with.

Another option is to buy three dildos. In a book I am currently reading, they offer up the website Touchofawoman.com to provide for these dildos. By starting out small and working your way up (over the course of a few weeks), you will be, again, training your vagina to accept the penis instead of rejecting it.

After you feel good with the dildo, try using the real thing. Use the same process of assimilation and have your partner only put a little bit in at a time until his whole shaft is in. This needs to be done often and over the course of more than just a few days. You may have tried this already, but you should try is again and over a longer period of time. Vaginal training isn’t as easy as dog training. What can I say? Pussies are way more temperamental!

One of the top experts in vaginal sex discomfort has suggested using fresh olive oil as a healthy and natural form of lubrication. Try it and see if it works. You can warm the oil between your hands and let the sensation sizzle.

You want to try to be on top? The issue with this is that you are putting a lot of pressure on your vaginal canal whereas during missionary your partner can control the speed and depth of insertion. If you want to try this on top, please do! Try putting just the tip in and moving your hips around with him inside of you. Try anything to help reveal the pressure.

Most importantly, do not forget to breathe. Be more confident! Do not be discouraged. Even if you think that you are being as confidant as you can be, there is always one more step to try to reach.

You are beautiful, you are wonderful, and there is absolutely nothing strange about your condition. Modern statistics say that about 20% of sexually active women experience Vaginismus. There is no easy cure and it may take more work than either you or your partner is willing to do, but it is worth it always.

Since I do not know your personal experience more thoroughly, I have found some really important websites I want you to visit. This one, at http://www.vaginismus.com/vaginismus-treatment, has a 10-step program for treating your Vaginismus. The treatment includes understanding Vaginismus and its own personal cause inside of you. It also incorporates all of the assimilation techniques and vaginal training ideas I have already shared with you. It is helpful and more personalized and I hope it can help with you.

If you need anything else please let me know, and keep us updated on your progress!

Always,
Your Kinseyette

even MORE about bedazzlement

2009-03-13T22:09:00.001-07:00

Since Carrie had written me about her new special piercing, I figured that it would be a good time to educate all of you readers about female genital piercing, including the reasoning behind them, styles, and the pain or pleasure associated with them.

Firstly, women and men can get genital piercing. For right now I am only going to be talking about vulva, clitoris, labia, and other sorts of lady piercings. Penis, scrotum, and guiche piercings are a whole different topic for a completely different day.

So many of you reading may be asking yourself right now, what would posses a girl to go and get her secret spot exposed and then harpooned. Though each girl’s reason getting a piercing is personal, in general the most common responses are that it makes their bits sparkly (i.e. more attractive) and that it greatly increases sexual pleasure. Moreover, many women report that genital piercings give them a particularly strong sense of pride in their vulvas, a sort of ownership that had never previously been experienced.

Before I can even talk about the reasons behind female genital piercings I should probably tell you about the different types of these experiences. Each area of interest has its own personality and side effects, therefore one should thoroughly study ALL types before a decision on locale can be decided.

One big factor in choosing which genital piercing you can get is your own personal anatomy. For some women, their vulvas just don’t have skin where skin needs to be, or anatomically a certain piercing will just be plain unattractive. After earning about the different types of piercings, you should go to a PROFESSIONAL piercer and ask him or her to check out your bits. They can then tell you which piercings you're built for and then you can make a well-informed decision, taking all precautions and prerequisites into mind.

Ok, so now onto the piercings. Firstly, I should tell you that when most people talk about “clit” piercings, they are more likely than not talking about clitoral hood piercings. The clitoral hood is the small (but in some women quite large) bit of skin that sits on top of the clitoris, protecting it from outside intruders and making it so that its owner isn’t constantly stimulated (an evolutionary anatomical mistake, if you ask MY opinion). There are several different types of clitoral hood (CH) piercings, and each is chosen by what the owner wants, aesthetics, and of course, anatomy.

The most anatomically fitting, stimulating, and fast-healing genital piercing there is the Vertical Clitoral hood piercing (VCH). This is the piercing Carrie got, and there is no wonder this is the one she decided to get. The VCH runs vertically (hence V) through the clitoral hood (and the CH). There is a picture of it at the bottom of Carrie’s post if you need some help understanding the directions.

Horizontal clitoral hood piercings are placed horizontally through the hood (so there are TWO holes made through the hood) and are more specific to anatomy. It is hard for some people to have enough clitoral hood skin to receive the horizontal hood piercing. This piercing also has less to do with clitoral stimulation as it does with appearance and vanity. In other words, you get a vertical hood for the pleasure, and the horizontal for the looks.

The Christina piercing is a surface piercing that does not exist to supply any sort of pleasure. This piercing is located on the mons pubis and usually consists of a barbell.

The Isabella piercing is a very long piercing that starts from the top of the vulva through under the clitoral hood. It is for those who enjoy the appearance of the Christina but who enjoy the clitoral stimulation of the VCH piercing. But like I said, this is a very very long piercing and is seriously painful, since you are going through a lot (and I mean a lot) of skin. You should really think before getting this, but if it is what you want, you should absolutely go for it.

Then there is the princess Albertina. This piercing is not only dangerous, it is damaging. Please don’t get this, even if you are hell bent. Any piercing that goes through the urethra is not only hard to heal but it can cause damage to your urine stream. Just think long and hard, and don’t make this decision based on friends or a movie you saw.

Lastly, there is the clitoris. An actual clitoral piercing is not only rare, but it can be dangerous. There is a chance or loosing all sensation when you get this piercing, and let me tell you, sometimes that just aint worth it! The upside? If the piercing is successful the rewards are incredibly stimulating. You should only get this done by a very VERY professional peircer (as with all piercings) and you can only get it if you have enough clitoral gland to actually pierce.

So now that you know all the dirt on jewels, I hope you can make a more informed decision on your own personal pleasure spot piercings!

Have fun ☺

Always,
Your Kinseyette

To those who question...

2009-03-07T21:50:00.001-08:00

I’ve been getting a lot of criticism recently about the way I talk about sex here in this column. People have said that I should base my writings less on the physicality of sex and more on the feelings associated with the act of “making love.” Others have said that I am talking about things publicly that should be reserved for the bedroom or for late night conversations with girlfriends and Cosmo magazine.

When it comes to the emotions behind sex, I am neither an expert nor will I even try to understand the vast range of feelings that are associated with the act of copulation. When it comes to sex some people feel nothing. They have sex with whomever whenever and never think twice about it. For others, sex is less about the physical and more about the fact that for those few fleeting moments two people are becoming ONE. For those few moments, there is no denying that you are not alone.

I can’t even start talking about emotions because they are ambiguous, strange, strong, and no amount of science or research can give me enough data to make valid and general conclusions.

Conversely, the physical is easy. You stab someone with a knife and statistically that person is going to feel pain. You suck on the clitoral hood of a woman and statistically she is going to feel pleasure. I grace a man’s nipples and he gets hard: there, evidence, he is turned on, that felt GOOD. The physical can be studied, and with those studies data can be accumulated. The same cannot be said for feelings. I cannot tell you to experiment with feelings, but experimenting with the scrotum? Now THAT is easy to prescribe.

To the argument that these words I write (sex, cum, head, penis, perineum, etc) are vulgar and gross, I say to you get over it. For too long women and men have had to keep their sexual selves a secret. They have had to hide their relationships with their vaginas and penises and have had to learn the hard way that their bodies work.

There are children who get pregnant and do not know how it physically happened. There are women who go their ENTIRE LIVES without experiencing an orgasm just because they never had the nerve or the strength to ask for some advice. There are boys who wake up soaked in semen and feel so ashamed that they try not to sleep at night to prevent it from happening again.

I speak for the people who want to know but who are too afraid to ask. I speak for the people who write me the emails, who stop me on McAlister and whisper a question into my ear.

Women get raped and feel like they can never pleasure a man or be pleasured themselves ever again. After they deal with the trauma of being raped, they don’t know where to start again. They need a spark, a reminder that just because they were violated they aren’t dead sexually. They will feel sexual pleasure again; they just need to learn how.

If you want a reason as to why I write what I write, go see the Tulane University’s production of the Vagina Monologues this weekend. The show is Friday, Saturday, and Sunday at 7 pm in Freeman Auditorium. Go see it and you will understand why I cannot stop writing about vaginas. You will understand why owning your sexuality is just as important as wearing clothes that fit you right.

SO here I am, without a column in the newspaper and without anywhere to help people. So if you get this, deep down, find some questions, and email me at xxxxnoochxxxx@mac.com. I promise you that I will be there for you when no one else is, when you feel like you are strange, alone, or lost. I will help you find what you are looking for and I will answer those questions that you just can’t even begin to face. Trust me, okay? I will NEVER steer you wrong. Ever.

Americans are prudes

2009-03-01T23:13:00.000-08:00

Just check out this german CHILDREN'S book explaining the birds and the bees. Pretty simple, pretty easy, and hey, now we know where babies come from.

Always,
Your Kinseyette

My Hoo-hah is bedazzled!

2009-02-17T21:52:00.000-08:00

So this is an email I got from my girlfriend Carrie today:

Hey girl, just wanted you to know about something I JUST did, I figured you could post it on your blog and share it with the worllllddd!

So, I just got a piercing. Down THERE. That’s right girl, I just got my clitoral hood pierced! In actuality I got a vertical hood piercing, but I’m sure you’ll update your readers on what THAT means. I figured I’d share my experience with you to share with everyone else who is thinking about getting this done.

It all happened when I finally decided to get a piercing that only I would know about. I wanting something sexy and secret that would be my secret (even though I KNEW I would be telling all of my girlfriends as soon as I got back to campus). I did a lot of research and decided that the vertical hood piercing would be the best for me. After I knew what I wanted, I knew I needed to find who would do it for me. I wanted a professional, as that area is an area that I don’t really want anyone messing with. Through word of mouth (AKA one of my best friends Reggie who had hers done as well) that NOLA tattoo had a great piercer who did great work. I took her word, and I am so glad I did.

I didn’t need to make an appointment; I just had to show up. I finished my science lab and made my way to catch the streetcar to get to Nola Tattoo. Right when I left my lab I ran into Sydney. I begged her to go with me because I realized that doing it alone might be very, very difficult. She, being the good friend she is, agreed immediately, even after I told her why I wanted to go (for a piercing) and where I was wanting said piercing.

On the streetcar I was getting a little more nervous, but It wasn’t that bad. Finaly we made it to the parlor and I was totally ready to get started. Walt was so cool, understanding, and professional. I signed the needed releases, he helped me pick out the jewelry, and we got all ready to go. I decided on the normal silver barbell, since I didn’t want my hoo-hah looking like a Christmas tree quite yet.

It was time to go in the back room, take off my pants, and get the show on the road. It was a little strange sitting bare-assed on the piercing table with my legs spread, but I’ve been to the gynecologist before so it wasn’t that much different.

Walt and Sydney were both talking me through it, with Walt telling me everything he was doing every step of the way while Sydney was talking about random current events to help me get my mind off what was going to happen. Surprisingly I wasn’t feeling any butterflies or nerves in my stomach, but I was breathing in and out pretty heavily.

Walt cleaned the area, got the jewelry and needle ready, and told me to relax. I was squeezing Lila’s hand like NUTS and this point, and I knew that it was only a matter of time before I felt some intense pain. He told me it only lasted a minute and that he had to put the receiving tube under my clitoral hood to get the needle. This was a bit uncomfortable, as I had never had anything put under my clitoral hood. He then told me he was going to line up the needle and that I’d feel a pinch. I was so tensed I just wanted him to do it right then.

Before I could tell him to just do it, he did it. I immediately cried out, yelling something about Jesus, Mary, and the ever important but sometimes forgotten Joseph. The truth? It hurt like hell, but only for a few seconds. Soon enough he was putting the jewelry in and I was putting my underwear on. It looked adorable from what I could see, and I was very happy that I had gone through with it.

So in short, it hurt badly for a few seconds, then it was totally chill. And let me tell you, walking upstairs is so much more fun.

You're PREGNANT?! DAMN YOU GRAVITY!!!!

2009-02-16T22:35:00.000-08:00

SO I received a question via email today that needed some answering. It went a long the lines of:

Hey, I want some answers to sex questions. What role does gravity play in terms of the likelihood of pregnancy?

It was simple, clear, concise, and begged the question of whether or not this boy (or girl) is worried about the chances of getting pregnant. The question of whether or not gravity affects the likelihood of pregnancy is one of those urban sex myths that can be filed alongside that sneezing prevents pregnancy or that a girl can’t get pregnant their first time experiencing intercourse. Some people would like to believe that if a woman is on top she can’t get pregnant because semen wont be able to (due to gravity) travel up into the uterus and eventually to the unfertilized egg.

The affect of gravity on the movement of semen through the vaginal canal is so negligent that it doesn’t even really matter. Just think of the math: the average ejaculate contains 300 MILLION sperm in about 5 ml of fluid (with the average male dispelling between 1 and 1.5 ml during orgasm and ejaculation). Each and every single one of these sperm cells are trying there hardest to make it to the uterus, so gravity isn’t much of a challenge to these swimming stallions.

In truth, if you want to get pregnant and haven’t been able to, trying gravity-helpful positions (like missionary or with the girl on bottom) can do no harm. That doesn’t mean that gravity can help cause a pregnancy, it just means for those desperate few who want to conceive but can’t, anything is worthy of trying.

After thinking and researching about this topic, I came upon a few more urban sex myths relating to pregnancy and pregnancy prevention. I’ve heard and read about some pretty bullshitastic techniques of expelling semen from the body (or preventing semen from entering) that, if believed, will just result in a baby or two.

Firstly, I have heard that douching with coca-cola or sprite will kill the sperm inside the vagina. Before I even continue, I should probably tell you that douching doesn’t really do anything to prevent pregnancy anyways, so douching with coke or sprite will just irritate your vaginal wall and leave it with a fresh, lemony feeling (which, if that’s what you’re going for, go on with your lemon-lime self).

I’ve also heard that you can’t get pregnant during your period. Ladies (and gentlemen), cycles are so unpredictable and crazy at times that there really are no safe days or weeks to have unprotected sex without fear of conception. That’s why the rhythm method usually fails and why birth control and condoms are so much more effective.

A funny myth is that if the underwear stays on, no one can get pregnant. False False False. I know, it’s unfortunate and scary, but I should warn you that if this was indeed true, condoms would be made out of underwear material and dry humping would be way more socially acceptable. If sperm seeps through underwear, it is just a vulva and vagina away from impregnating an unsuspecting girl who thought she was being “virginal.” Don’t misunderstand me, this is a very rare case scenario and you shouldn’t freak out every time you get some semen on your special under things. Just remember that underwear isn’t really a barrier, its a fashion accessary (and a cute one at that).

A few more things: sneezing, jumping up and down, even coughing hard does not expel enough semen from the vagina to prevent pregnancy. Remember, on average there are 600 million sperm ejaculated at one time…. Coughing, sneezing, or jumping out even a million of these monsters wont stop them from trying to accomplish their mission.

Oh and yes, it’s true: a girl CAN get pregnant her first time, even if she hasn’t gotten her period yet. There are reported cases of girls whose sexual encounters occurred the same month of their first ovulation and they were buying diapers and baby clothes before ever having to buy pads and tampons.

SO children, in conclusion, be safe, use some legitimate barriers (female/male condoms, the pill, the ring, diaphragms, etc) and make sure that you don’t take any old wives tales to heart. If you do, you may end up a 30-year-old “old wife” with a 10-year-old child yourself.

Always,
Your Kinseyette

from HJ's to BJ's

2009-02-16T11:46:00.000-08:00

So when my best friend Johnny and his buddies read my article about why women should give hand jobs, their reaction was pretty surprising. They told me that though well written (they have to say that or I wont bring them beer and hook them up with my sorority sisters), the article was a little too far reaching.

The conversation went like this:

ADAM: We don’t want hand jobs. We really can do it better than girls anyways.
ME: So what do you want me to do? Write an article about why women should give head instead?
BOYS: (in unison) YES!

Talking to this table of hulking football players got me thinking about men and their “oral” fixation. It’s because of this that I am going to share with you some hints, tips, and advice to give some wow-you-give-it-like-a-porn star type of head.

Male oral sex has been called many-a-things since the beginning of its existence. People have called it head, dome, blowjob, and the scientific community calls it fellatio. Just because it’s called a blowjob doesn’t mean that there should be any blowing though (seriously don’t do it). This is a rookie mistake that can lead so some serious discomfort.

There are many reasons women enjoy giving head and men enjoy receiving it. Firstly and most obviously, women can do more with their cheeks, lips, and tongues than they can with their vagina. It’s a simple fact of physiology. People also enjoy giving head because it gives them not only a sense of intimacy, but also a sense of power. As Samantha in Sex & The City once said, “I may be on my knees, but I’ve got him by the balls.”

The art of the blowjob is simple in that penises are a lot less mysterious than the female equivalent. Think about it, it’s all out there wagging in the wind and there isn’t much to search for. When giving head, one needs only to know what parts of the penis are the most sensitive and what will feel bad.

Firstly, a note about anatomy. Unlike the clitoris which is a small area packed with nerve endings, the penis does not have the same sensitivity over its entirety. The head of the penis is where sensation is most exquisite, and therefore more time should be spent in this locale than on the base of the shaft.

To start on your fallatio endeavor, you should get into a position that is most comfortable for you. Certain positions can make the event more comfortable for both partners as well as decrease the affect of the gag reflex. Quick side note, deepthroating is a novelty not a necessity. Deepthroating actually doesn’t do much for a man in the sense of direct stimulation, but it can still be a turn on for him mentally. If you don’t want to do this but your man keeps pressuring you, grab a banana and tell him to stick the whole thing in his mouth. That should bring him down from that cloud real quick.

A great position to start with is where the woman is in between her partner’s legs while he is laying down. She can look up at him and he can watch her do her thing. A variation of this is if the woman is on top in reverse, like a 69 position. This is very erotic as the man can watch her do her thing from behind. The bad thing about this bad boy of a position is that the giver doesn’t have the best range of motion or the best access to the penis.

If the guy wants to do all the work (aka if he wants to gently thrust into his partners mouth instead of her doing the motion) he should sit on her chest and lean over her. This potition is great and allows a wide range of motion.

So now that we have positions, lets get into technique. If you haven’t ever given head, you can start by pretending that you are sucking on a Popsicle. This is just something to start out with, as eventually the man will get tired of the same repetitious movement.

To prevent gagging, you can keep a fist on the base of his shaft so that only about 3 inches of phallic monstrosity can enter your mouth. It feels good to him and he wont even notice why you are doing it.

You can lick the penis with the end of your tongue or give it a long lick with the fat middle part. They call this the “Shirley Temple” because it is as if the giver is licking a lollipop.

Try twisting your head when you are going down and up on the shaft. This gives the receiver a greater amount of stimulation. Make sure to focus on the upper half of the penis though, as this is where the most nerve endings are.

If you look at the penis, there is a long seam that runs along the shaft from midway through the scrotum all the way up to the head. Try licking from his testicles all the way up the entire shaft. He won’t even know what hit him.

Try pulling the skin on the penis taut. If you take your thumb and forefinger and place them around the penis a few centimeters above the base and pull down, the skin on the skin on the shaft will be pulled tighter and will, in turn, increase sensation. This may also encourage the man to come sooner.

While giving head, never neglect the nipples. Some guys have nipples that are super sensitive, especially during oral intercourse.

Creating a slight vacuum in your mouth is another technique that many men enjoy. By sucking in slightly, your mouth engulfs his shaft and he feels is so much more.

I know you’ve heard this before, but the perineum (the area between the testicles and the anus) is a great place to place a knuckle or two while giving head. Ask your partner first; otherwise things may not come to the way you want them to.
Ladies, play up the fact that he probably is watching you do your thing. Raise your hips in the air slightly so he can see your curves, and really show with your body how into the act you are.

To increase sensation even more, try tapping, humming, or vibrating your lips. It’s easy to understand why this feels good to a man, as this feels good for a woman as well.

Temperature changes can turn any luke-warm moment red-hot and flaming. Try putting hot water in your mouth to make the inside of your cheeks and tongue extra warm. It feels great on the man's member and the water can be used as extra lubrication when spit just isn’t working enough.

Talk about wants, needs, desires, and try your own experiments to figure out what feels good for you and your partner. Now that you know some positions, tips, and techniques, get down to business and have some fun.

Always,
Your Kinseyette

A little sparkle to start off your day!

2009-02-16T08:31:00.000-08:00

A little something my lovely Chelsea sent me!!

Always,
Your Kinseyette

Want to be on top? Be warned!!

2009-02-10T15:29:00.000-08:00

I have a quick warning for all of you sexual adventurers who have found that the girl-on-top position is the position most likely to bring about the female orgasm. My warning is to both partners, and involves the potential permanent damage to the penis. That’s right, boys I bet you are listening now: heed this warning or risk a broken bone. And by bone I mean boner. Oh yes, boner.

Injuries resulting from sexual intercourse can cause a penis to bend permanently in a strange way. Most of these types of occurances happen during the girl-in-top (both forward and reverse) positions.

Urologists who deal with these injuries have a few suggestions to prevent having to make an appointment with the ER. Firstly, lots and lots of lubricant should be used. The more slippery the area, the less likely it is that the penis-to-vagina friction will end up with a oops-I-slipped-off-you-and-brought-your-dick-with-me experience.

The girl should also restrict her up and down motion. Many a time a lady has come home too hard and missed the target. Try doing a more of a rocking or rubbing movement. Circular movement enhances sensation on both the female g-spot and clitoris, so that’s a must-try for any couple. You can also try putting a pillow under the man’s hips so that his partner can have more access to his pelvis and in turn, his penis. Also, ladies, squeeze your vaginal muscles (like trying to stop peeing). Its enjoyable for your partner and forces his penis to be tightly held inside of you.

In other words, be careful and use other techniques to get off. And remember, have fun ☺

Always,
Your Kinseyette

HOW to loose your virginity

2009-02-09T23:53:00.000-08:00

Not quite about sex...

2009-02-03T14:09:00.001-08:00

... But helpful nonetheless. These are 12 rules for life, picked up while I was stumbling today. Enjoy!

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "you are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.

7. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"

8. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

10. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

11. Work is good, but it's not that important. Money is nice, but you can't take it with you. Statistics show most people don't live to spend all they saved; some die even before they retire. Anything we have isn't really ours; It's on loan to us while we're here ...even our kids.

12. And finally...Be really good to your family and/or friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan

Always,
Your Kinseyette

Don't know what to say?! Let me help!

2009-02-02T14:46:00.000-08:00

Safe sex has never been so much fun!

2009-02-02T14:16:00.000-08:00

Use a condom during sex, always. Anal, oral, with vegetables, anything and everything should be approached with caution and safety. If you are in a dry spell, buy condoms and store them in a nice dry cool play just in case there's a flood on the way. And if you don't end up gettin' any, you can always do this:

All I want... Is HARRY

2009-02-02T13:49:00.000-08:00

So Kennedy and I have been talking about men lately (What else is knew). I’ve been dealing with Dean and the fact though he is devastatingly handsome he is a complete asshole. She has been trying to change her “type” from the beefy football players (who in her experience are also compete assholes) to a kinder, gentler type. Both of our issues have the exact same source. The source being that while we chase the ideal of man, we are missing out on the real adventures waiting by the wayside. The same goes for men, too. Sorry boys, there isn’t enough blonde-haired big-boobed sex bombs to go around the entire male population.

To help back up the following entry, I am going to give you a little background on the relationship between Charlotte and Harry from Sex and the City. By explaining their relationship I am going to draw a parallel to my dream man. Holler to Wikipedia for helping me explain Harry in perfection.

So Charlotte has been married to the perfect man Trey. He’s perfectly handsome, perfectly wealthy, and he has a perfect case of impotence. They argue over everything, their sex life is slowly dying, and Trey’s mother is taking over the marriage bed, literally (see episode when bedding is chosen). Eventually Charlotte realizes how truly unhappy she is, and it was time to procure a hasty divorce.

Harry Goldenblatt is Charlotte's divorce lawyer. Although Charlotte is initially repulsed by Harry's constant sweating and somewhat odd appearance and behavior, she ends up sleeping with him when Harry confesses his attraction to her. She tries to keep their relationship strictly about sex but, soon after, she gets attached. Charlotte converts to Judaism to appease Harry's requirement that he can only marry a fellow Jew, but soon ends up ruining the relationship in a fit of anger by telling him that she's embarrassed to be seen in public with him because he is conventionally unattractive. After several weeks of bad blind dates, Charlotte bumps into Harry at the local synagogue singles' night and admits her wrongs, professing her deep love for him. Harry is touched and proposes to Charlotte on the spot. Harry and Charlotte marry in a traditional Jewish ceremony. They explore their options of having children, with Charlotte at one point becoming pregnant followed (shortly) by a miscarriage, which emotionally devastates her. Finally, in the series finale, they are approved to adopt a girl from China named Lily.

The thing about Harry is that no he isn’t perfect, he isn’t beautiful, and he isn’t even able to control his sweat glands. He’s bald, chubby, but he’s completely and irrevocably in love with Charlotte. Their sex life is banging (literally) and they can’t keep their eyes off one another.

Harrys don’t have to be bald, chubby, or sweaty. In fact, they can be stunners and perfectly sculpted. The definition of a Harry is a man who loves, who doesn’t care if he looks like an idiot when he’s outside your window at 2am throwing rocks at your window in Phelps. A Harry is a man who will tell you you’re beautiful, even if it’s in front of the baseball team. A Harry is the kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with, not just someone to spend that one night with.

Why is it, that in a world of change and acceptance, there aren’t more Harrys? Why are there not more men and women who will love without pain or consequence? Kennedy is the kind of girl who would love with every part of her, and she does on a daily basis. She has so much to give, and she gives selflessly. All I want in the world is a Harry for her; someone who will love her no matter what and whom she will return the favor. One day she’ll find her Harry, and we’ll look back at this post and laugh like old ladies recollecting their days playing shuffleboard with (gasp) men in shorts.

So ladies, take a step back and look around yourself, you may find a Harry to love. Men, find your inner Harry: it isn’t bad, it isn’t hard, and you might just find out that you’ll find love.

Always,
Your Kinseyette

My favorite from the superbowl

2009-02-02T10:39:00.000-08:00

I think i love this the most because I feel as if this has happened to so many people. Take the time me and Alina went on an adventure trying to find porn to send to Dean while he's in Iraq, for example. After three weeks of searching wal-marts and Targets we finally find some good skin mags at the Circle K. The cashiers judged us, however, and asked us to step away from the nudy mags. All in a day's work :-)

always,
Your Kinseyette

This made my week

2009-02-01T22:38:00.001-08:00

So a few of these posts have made it onto the University newspaper's website. Here is a comment someone left for me:

Hope you enjoyed :-)

Always,
Your Kinseyette

No ifs, ands... well, maybe BUTTS: a guide to anal play

2009-02-01T22:16:00.000-08:00

So it may be true that many couples steer clear of anal the way that college students steer clear of clean clothes and sobriety, but regardless, that still leaves some wiggle room for the exceptions.

One thing that cannot be denied is that the anus is home to so many nervereceptors that not many body parts can even compete. It’s also true that vaginal and anal sex both have similar nervous system reactions inside of the brain. That being said, I've never received (or given) anal. I also don’t care which way you swing (or even if you swing) let alone if you decide to practice anal sex. I understand that it’s a taboo subject and that this, among a few select other topics, has the power to make some people very uncomfortable. This is why I am writing about it.

Why do people even have anal sex? Besides the obvious example (gay male-to-male sex), sometimes some people have difficulty understanding the joy of anal sex if they have never experienced it. The truth about anal sex is that there is no truth, everyone has his or her own reasons and not many of these are universal.

Firstly, Anal sex is (like I said) a taboo subject. And by being taboo, it is also forbidden. Some people find these forbiddances to be a really intense turn on, and who are we to judge anyone for their sexual desires?

Anal sex can also be thought of as a form of birth control. That being said, you can still get pregnant if a condom isn’t used. Semen is impervious to orifices and there have been many cases of “splash pregnancies.”

Furthermore, some women can’t have vaginal sex due to pain, birth defect, or other sort of phenotypical aberrations. In those cases, anal seems like a great alternative to vaginal sex. Some women even find that they can reach orgasm only through anal sex.

To start, when you and your partner decide to embark on the anal adventure, a few things need to be taken care of first. Here is my warning and precautions area of this piece:

1. PLEASE use a condom. The “pink” and the “stink” do not mix even remotely. Women, you will get many-an-infection, and men you can get very severe prostate infections or urinary tract infections.
2. Try experimenting with your own fingers and anus in the shower. You never know how your body will react to certain sensations, so you can’t expect a good experience without experimenting.
3. Implement some serious foreplay unless you expect some serious discomfort.
4. USE LOTS OF LUBE! Medical fact does not back up the statement that anal sex is damaging to the rectum as long as lots of Lube is used. More on that later.
5. Make sure everything goes slowly: push in slowly, pull out slowly. We were not built for our expelling organ to be used like a sex toy.

Before we can even talk about anal sex, we should probably talk about the anus and rectum. Firstly, it should be noted that if you are feeling pain during anal sex, then you are doing it WRONG. That’s right, you heard me. There is a difference between strange sensations and downright pain, and it is the receiver’s job to make sure that the pain they feel is pain and not the uneasiness that comes with a new bodily experience.

The interesting thing about the anus is that it was in no way built as a machine for romance. The walls of the vagina are very flexible and secrete fluids to help facilitate sex. In contrast, the walls of the anus are very rough, tight, and do not secrete any sort of fluid; In fact, the anus is more thirsty than anything (hence the effectiveness of suppositories and other anally-inserted medical drugs).

To make sure what you are feeling is good, you have to implement mind over matter. That’s right, you have to talk to your ass, literally. The anal sphincter has two types of muscles that control the opening and closing of the anus. One set of these muscles is unconsciously controlled while the other is controlled by your daily conscious thoughts. Though you can breathe and relax your conscious muscles, it’s the unconscious ones that may be a problem. To deal with those, you have to relax, trust your partner, and use lubricant! You can’t put too much pressure on yourself if you are the receiver, otherwise that second set will just not budge. If you are highly turned on and if you are with someone you trust (i.e. you are relaxed), then anal sex should only be a positive experience.

Some tricks to help relax the anal area include the receiver pushing down (as though trying to have a bowel movement) in an attempt to relax the anal muscles. Whoever said porn stars don’t have any real marketable talent and skills obviously didn't know the science behind our bodies. You try consciously relaxing an unconscious muscle to the point that anal fisting is found to be enjoyable. Note to the wise: before trying anal fisting, please see a doctor and ask if it’s all right for you. More likely than not, it isn’t a good idea since it is pretty dangerous for the inexperienced.

To follow the golden rule of practice makes perfect, finger penetration should be done before anal as a way of letting the receiver’s body expect what is to come. The anus curves toward the tailbone, so that’s the direction you should go with your finger. During regular vaginal sex, sometimes throwing a finger down the “Hershey highway” will only heighten the experience for BOTH partners. Before you try something new, however, make sure you and your partner are on the same road with what you want and what you are expecting. Not all surprises are good surprises.

Now that some of the basics have been covered, lets go a little more in depth (I am on a roll with these puns). Anal massage is the first step to having a successful anal intercourse experiment. There are couples that feel completely comfortable with anal massages but would not go the step further into any sort of insertion. To do anal massage, take one lubricated finger and massage the outside of the anal sphincter opening. The nerve receptors I mentioned earlier will do their job and receive those waves of pleasure.

Rectal dildos or butt plugs are another way to experience anal sex that goes beyond simple anal massaging. As a cleanliness issue, you should never use the same toy you use in your vagina in your anus. Like I said previously, pink and brown don’t mix and you do not want to get some funky infection. Butt plugs are unique because they are made to be inserted into the anus. They are cone shaped so that they can’t go much further into the rectum. If something ever gets lost in the rectum, do NOT go searching for it. In fact, searching is the OPPOSITE of what you should do. Protocol states bearing down (i.e. try to go to the bathroom) and if that fails, see a doctor.

Anal beads are (obviously) beads that are inserted into the anus. They are attached by a string and after being put into the anus, they can be pulled out (SLOWLY) to achieve a very string orgasm.

Make sure any toy (or anything you choose to inset into your rectum) is smooth and does not have any points. Points=pain. Remember or fare the consequences.

Another form of anal play is the ever-elusive rim job. When I asked my girlfriends what this was, they assumed it was another slang word for a blowjob. No my dears, this is not your typical job. A rim job is the “eating out” of the anus. That’s right, it involved mouth-to-butt action. If you decide to give a rim job, you will be kissing ass, literally. If you want to try this, please use a cut up condom over the anal area. It isn’t a good idea to try this though, as that is a nice and easy way to contract hepatitis or any other ass-growing fecal-loving infection. Just think about licking your own butt: tasty? Me thinks not.

When it’s time for actual anus-into-rectum activities, make sure to use lots of lubrication and wear a condom. If you are going from anal to vaginal, change the condom and wash your penis with soap and water. Toys (including dildos and strap-ons) should be THOROUGHLY cleansed before hole switching occurs, but I would recommend having a different set of toys for each opening of the body.

Don’t you think it’s fair that if a male partner gets to play around with inserting things into his female partner’s rectum, she should be able to return the favor? I think so whole-heartedly. There are many straight guys who say that receiving any sort of anal stimulation is considered gay. Do gay men have more pleasure sensors in their anus than straight men? I don’t think so!! And it’s because of this that men should be a little less inhibited about their usually inhibited anal region. There are specially curves prostate stimulating dildos that can be bought to help bring your man from just a normal orgasm to the oh-my-god-my-toes-curled-and-I’m-crying-out-in-pleasure type of experience.

SO in conclusion, use lots of lube, once it’s in don’t thrust (circular motions are best), don’t do anal while drunk or high (seeing as sloppiness will hurt more than the anal itself), and if it does hurt, stop, think about what’s wrong, and try again. Nothing is wrong with experimentation, but you want all experiments to be pleasant. Have any questions? Email me anonymously at tulanesex@gmail.com

Oh P.S.
I decided to do the dirty research on this topic after Andy (one of my best girl friends) sent me this:

Vulgar? Yes. Gross? Of course. Inspirational? You betcha!

Always,
Your Kinseyette

how to... be straight and still get dirty

2009-02-01T14:20:00.000-08:00

Gawker.com had the following to say about this video clip:

-----How much grinding is too much grinding for a high school dance? Let Brandon and Logan, two strapping young lads featured on reality show The Principal's Office, show you.

The remarkably secure-in-their-masculinity (for 17-year-olds, or whatever) chaps touch knees, which is OK. One touches the other's chest. That is not OK. Then they start some more explicit butt-to-front stuff and the principal featured in this episode gets a little uncomfortable and some of us have to step outside for some fresh, cold air because, you know, they're in high school. Anyway, untoward tinglings aside, it's funny.---

so, children, it's hilarious and begs you to wonder why it's okay for girls and boys and even girls and girls dance dirty while this is considered inappropriate. enjoy!

Cum and tasty-- Mutually exclusive?

2009-01-31T21:50:00.000-08:00

So here’s an email I got from my dear girl Lexi:

Dear Kinseyette,
My roommate and I got to talk the other night about this topic. She was eating pickles and said; "I heard pickles make your vagina smell good". Now I have heard before that food makes guy's cum smell and taste different depending on foods they eat, but I have never heard that about a girl's parts before. Is it true that pickles make your vagina smell good? Do foods affect the way our vagina smells and does it also affect the taste of our cum? Please let me know what you find out on this topic.
Much love,
Lexi!

Ladies (and gents) it is about time I got down to business (if you pardon the pun). The business being, obviously, vaginas, penises, secretions, and semen.

This first bit of news is a bit sad: want to get your spunk to be less spunky? You got to cut down on all of your ever-so-enjoyable vices. That’s right, cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, even unhealthy foods all affect the way you taste down there. The most common word-of-mouth (again with the puns!) is that vegetarians taste and smell the best.

The good part is that it is easy to add a little sweetness to your sweet parts. The rumor is true: pineapples are your friend, especially when you want your after-dinner-desert to involve more than whipped cream and strawberries. Pineapple raw, juiced, even canned can increase the sweetness of your juices. The affect wears off within 12 hours, so eat it a little while before the act, and then get yo ass down to what’s important! Take wheatgrass shots when you’re at jamba juice, eat fruits, celery, and drink lots of water!! This goes for men and women equally.

When it comes to foods to stay away from, use your head: you know how when you eat onions or garlic you can smell it come out of your pores when you wake up the next morning? The same goes for your between-the-thigh secretions. Onions, asparagus, even curries can affect the way your cum tastes. And let me tell you, no one likes a curry cum surprise.

Thanks to a helpful website I discovered, here’s a little recipe for a special “super spunk smoothie:”

1 cup pineapple, fresh or canned 
1 banana, frozen 
1 cup apple juice 
1/2 tsp ginger 
1/2 tsp cinnamon 
1/4 tsp nutmeg 
1/2 tsp vanilla extract 
2 TBS honey 
Optional ingredients: 1 raw egg white, 2 TBS wheat germ, 2 TBS flax seed, 1 shot wheatgrass juice

So, grab some pineapple, throw away the asparagus, and take your pants off: its time for some good ol’ time eatin’

Always,
Your Kinseyette

Let's give the boy a hand!

2009-01-31T20:05:00.000-08:00

So it came to my attention (via email) that men are starting to realize that the famous and most popular excuse for us women to not give hand jobs is quickly becoming falsified.

SO what is this famous and popular excuse? I’m sure you’ve heard it before... I’ll give you time to think about it. Need more time? Nah, you’ve got it, you’ve said it, and you’ve been given it. That’s right, the “He can do it better than I can anyways” excuse. And let me just tell you now so you know where I stand: This excuse it bullshit. Oh I said it! It is the shit of bulls. That’s right ladies, the jig is up. Men, be prepared to thank me profusely. I prefer sexual favors but I will take stories any day.

You heard me correct, there is no longer an excuse for not giving a hand job. Well, I mean, not having hands is a good excuse. Or having carpel tunnel (I hear it’s very uncomfortable). Maybe even tennis elbow is a good one… But in regards to the excuse in question, it is no longer usable. And let me tell you why!

Ladies, notice how you can’t tickle yourself? How no matter how hard you try, unless you are poking yourself with a stick, you just can’t get the same tickle that happens when someone else squeezes you in the side? The same rule goes for men and their penises. Don’t get me wrong, they can “tickle” themselves just fine (I’ll explain more in my masturbation piece), but it’s just way more fun (and feels way more intense) when you do it for them.

Another thing a man can’t do by himself? He can’t look at YOU doing the deed. Yeah he can look at porn and pretend that Jenna Jameson is handling his goodies, just like how we can watch the notebook and pretend that Ryan Gosling is frolicking in the ocean with us. Pretend all we want, that shit just ain’t ever gonna happen, and that’s the truth.

Another up to getting instead of giving-and-getting is he can just relax. No forearm workout here, just plain pleasure. His partner can do all the work and he can remain the receiver 100%. Plus he won’t get all red-faced and constipated-looking while trying to get-off.

It’s nice to have someone fooling around with your special parts while making noises. Even if they are moans or sighs, it’s still more than the background noise of ESPN or South Park on the television.

The giver can do MORE than just play with the dick too. She (or he) can use her (or his) mouth on the receiver’s body to get some blood pumping. Nipples, necks, and stomachs are always a good area to stimulate.

The hand job also has many-an-advantage for the giver. First and foremost, none of that foaming-at-the-mouth-before-having-to-figure-out-a-clever-way-to-SPIT-THIS-SHIT-OUT stuff. It’s all in the hands baby, and you are just a softsoap cleansing away from the “coming” to be going.

You also get a more intimate work environment than when your head is between his legs. You can look at one another, you can kiss one another, and you can see his face react to what you are doing to him. It’s very satisfying and will only turn you on more.

Lastly, you don’t have to worry about suction, taste of semen, teeth, and what to do with your hands and eyes (as Ronny told me “does it creep anyone else out when the girl just stares at you the entire time? You’re mouth fucking my dick, not my eyes!”). You just use the techniques I teach you (and I will teach you) and see what hand jobs can bring you.

SO homework for everyone: Try an old school hand job, the kind that goes from start to finish. If he tries to reciprocate, don’t let him (for the first round only). You want him to enjoy it and to tell you what feels good, but you also want to get some vajayjay action in return (and who could blame you). I promise this can only bring more heat into any relationship.

So do your homework, it’s way overdue

Always,
Your Kinseyette

HEAD of state

2009-01-27T12:46:00.000-08:00

This is in the spirit of our newly sworn-in president

Enjoy :-)

http://www.headostate.com/

An email from Chelsea

2009-01-27T12:34:00.000-08:00

Hey Kinseyette,
Is it ok to have sex with someone if I only have kissed them? I don't know how long I should wait to have sex with him. I have known him for a year, so it is not like we just met and we have had a flirtation for a year. How long should I wait, or is it even smart to have sex with a friend?

Ps This is for my roomie who is too nervous to write you an email, I love you have fun

SO dear roommate of my dear chelsea... The funny thing about sex is that it is so personal that only YOU can decide when it's appropriate. This is funny because almost everyone thinks sex lives are all made equal and therefor all advice is equally distributable.

When other people get involved, you'll do things for THEM and not for yourself. So take a breath, think for a second, and do what feels right. DONT make the decision to have sex with him amidst a heavy make-out session. Even a mormon could give it up if the hormones are just right. Do your calculus homework or something equally as non-sexual and then think about the pros and cons. Don't think too much, however, because over-thinking is another pitfall.

It's a balance miss, and you just gotta feel whats right. The best part about feelings is that they are never wrong, so you can never regret whichever decision you choose.

Another issue is having sex with a friend. That is a bit trickier than just thinking about the pros and cons since you guys already have a relationship and there's something to be lost. I am a huge fan of talking about a situation, but guys usually aren't into the easy route. So what you should do is feel things out, take the time and hang out. if everytime you hang out you make-out, then there's probably more to this "ship" than just a "friend."

HAVE FUN and don't put to much drama into it. Who knows, maybe the sex will be incredible.

Always,
Your Kinseyette

Sandi likes it hot

2009-01-27T12:18:00.001-08:00

So Sandi, as promised, has decided to update me on some sexcellent events going on with her. Here's the email I got, and I read it with only a slight (aka HUGE) amount of jealousy.

First, friday night I went to this frat and we were just all hanging out, drinking, you know the usual. I was making eyes with this one kid so we decided to go downstairs and do some dirty dancing lol. Next thing I knew we were making out, whatever whatever. We went up to his room at 1:00 and started hooking up. The next time I looked at the clock it was 5:48. I was shocked by the time, but more shocked that HE HAD BEEN EATING ME OUT THE ENTIRE TIME! Not once did I even touch his dick! Time after time he continued to go down on me. I would cum (and made it very obvious), then he would come up, we'd kiss for 2 minutes and then he would go back down. As it got later and later I began to feel exhausted from cuming so much. Literally I must have came at least 8 times!!! I couldn't understand why he didn't even give me a chance to reciprocate the favor. In essence, HE WENT DOWN ON MY FOR FIVE HOURS STRAIGHT!! It was the most amazing five hours of my life. I was so enthralled by his eagerness to please me... yet I couldn't understand why he didn't want anything in return. I later found out that supposedly he has a really hard time getting it up when he's drunk. Is this common for guys? Why does it happen? Does the alcohol effect the bloodflow to the penis?

Alright alright, let's get down to business (if you can pardon the pun). So yay for getting 5 hours of the oral. Most guys and girls who just meet have a tough time getting to that point, either because the girl is afraid of exposing herself or the guy has no idea what to do down there. I'm glad you are both comfortable with your body and that he (obviously) knew what the hell he was doing. Again, the slight ( aka HUGE) amount of jealousy is trying to expose itself.

So on to the whole not-being-able-to-keep-it-up thing... It's called whisky dick, and is WAY more common than we think. Many-a-times when things get hot and alcohol is involved, the make brain cant overcome his BAC. When this happens, don't get embarrassed, it's nature nothing more. Ladies, don't get offended or think he isn't attracted. Men in this situation are incredibly turned on, but the booze just affects their boners. So, if this happens, do what this guy did. Offer to pleasure your partner and in turn you will get pleasure from pleasuring. Oh yeah, I just used the word "pleasure" three times in one sentence. That takes a skill more unique than being able to deep throat, let me tell you.

So in short, if the limp dick is offered and booze have been involved, don't take it personally. Men, don't be embarrassed, just ask for her number and say you'll call her soon. Try again a little (or a lot) more sober, and let the sparks fly then.

In the mean time, enjoy the head :-)

always,
Your Kinseyette

Interesting (red) fact

2009-01-27T11:39:00.000-08:00

so did you know that one in every four girls at this exact moment is amidst their (ever so wonderful) period? That's right. 25% of every single girl (of menstruating age) is literally oozing as I type. Pretty interesting fact, eh?

The reason I bring this up is not to make you uncomfortable, though that is an added bonus. It's to make a point, a very important point mind you. This point being that it is time that girls stop being so god damn embarrassed about their bodily functions. Boys can fart and burp and shit in front of one another (and to our obvious dismay, in front of us too) but the second someone brings up the big P or asks for a tampon the whole room goes silent and faces turn red. Why do we do this to ourselves?

You know those commercials, the ones that say "Have a happy period?" Well normally, especially when It is between the 16th and 22nd of each month, I throw something at the television and say LIARS! But after learning the math behind periods, I decided that maybe these pad people have a valid point. Why aren't we happier about our periods? I mean, yeah there are those cramps and the whole blood thing, but seriously, having a period means that you can have a BABY. It means that your body can (and will if given the chance) produce a child, a human baby. I think women sometimes forget how awesome our bodies are.

So here's the deal... embrace your period. It's gross, it hurts, but seriously it's kind of a gift (especially if you think you're pregnant).

OH and one more thing. Since we are talking about periods I thought I'd share another bit of information I learned about TSS. TSS, or toxic shock syndrome, is this vague and ambiguous fear that a lot of girls have when they use tampons. I hear "SHIT! It's been in for 10 hours!" all of the time, mostly from my own mouth.

Though it was originally believed to be true, the belief that tampons are a breeding site for TSS bacteria is a fallacy. This myth came to be believed when the RELY tampon (which used certain synthetic fibers that caused vaginal abrasions) began to be associated with TSS. It wasn't the tampon, it was the fibers. In other words, don't freak out if you forget to change your tampon. Your chances of getting TSS are 1000 times smaller than getting in a car wreck. So breath and don't believe.

Well it was great talking to you :-)

Always,
Your Kinseyette

Dick-Centeredness: A study

2009-01-19T11:19:00.001-08:00

For a woman, understanding the relationship between a man and his penis may be, if you pardon the pun, hard. We girls don’t have the junk necessary to fully experience what it is like to have a dangler between our legs, as all of our important personal belongings lay inside our bodies. It’s because of this that I have decided to delve into the sometimes overly emotional companionship between the penis, testicles, and the man himself.

Before I even start, I should probably bring up the fact that men do in fact take what lies below way too seriously. I should also say that this seriousness (and sometimes obsession) isn’t always their fault. There’s usually nothing wrong with a serious relationship, but sometimes a man’s member can come in between that man and, well, coming.
Men usually start and end their day in the same way: by touching their penis and testicles. According to numerous texts, this act of repetition has less to do with sexual stimulation and much more to do with self-affirmation. When I brought this up to Johnny last night (while his hands were in fact down his pants), all he had to say was, “No shit I touch my balls, I want to make sure they’re still there!”

Another interesting affirmation experience has to do with peeing. A man pees between six and eight times a day. Peeing for most men is seen as a ritual, as how he unzips, brings his penis out, holds said penis during the act, and even how he wags it after is usually done in the same way every single time. Moreover, women do not get the visual reinforcement that men do during the act of urination. A man can feel the sensations inside his body and see the simultaneous reaction outside. This hand-eye visual reinforcement isn’t usually present among women, as most women don’t even know where their urethra is (yes, boys, in case you didn’t know we do have not one, not two, but three holes down there).

Another basis of the dick-centered schema of the male species is the fact that in our society, gratifying and good sex is rated by how successful a man is at not only getting but also maintaining an erection. That’s a lot of pressure to put on a person, especially during something as technical and emotional as sex.

While along the topic of erections, I might as well note the wonderful experience of the “unwanted hard on”. This “UHO” is usually very much present first thing in the morning. These special morning surprises make it not only difficult to empty a beer-filled bladder, but it isn’t exactly a pleasant visual to share with housemates. As an adolescent these boners are usually greeted with frustration and anger. As the boy moves from 15 to 50 however, UHO’s are no longer a problem as a nice strong erection is anything but unwanted.

Women usually assume that a hard-on means that the owner is sexually aroused. This is a false assumption and can be easily disproved when looking at the UHO. Teenagers with wood in school are anything but turned on, as they ferverently try to mentally “talk themselves down.” Unless, of course, the smell of fresh chalk on a blackboard is found especially arousing, then go ahead and rage boner, just rage. Another example at the opposite spectrum is the common occurrence of whisky dick. In this case, the man is probably extremely aroused but his phallic extension won’t respond to the mental firings going on in his head. There are many situations when the dick doesn’t do what it’s owner wants, and it is because of this that we can’t always hold the man responsible for his irresponsible dick.

It may surprise most women how often a man feels some sort of excruciating pain in his testicles. Baseball, zippers (and other forms of pants-to-penis abuse), elbows, door handles, even bicycles are common culprits of the “grab-your-crotch-and-fall-to-your-knees-before-assuming-the-fetal-position” types of experiences. It is because of this that men have a special connection to their reproductive equipment. For girls this happens during menstruation, but again this occurs far less often and far between.

And of course, if all else fails, if the world is ending and if he is on the streets alone in the cold, a man will always have his penis and the wonderful sensations this object of lust and comfort can provide. Unless of course he doesn’t have his penis. Slap that on a cardboard sign, sir, and I will gladly donate a few dollars any day.

Dick-centeredness can sometimes mean that a man uses his hard penis as a way to mask other issues that are going on in his life. The women he has sex with are less women and more masturbation machines, and his penis is the basis of his masculinity. Sometimes, when the member is equivalent to masculinity in the mind of a man, the member will cause more damage that pleasure.

How can you easily spot a man who is more into his penis than pleasuring you (both emotionally and physically)? Those are the types of men that are self-involved, distant, and hard to get close to. It’s no wonder that we call these guys DICKS because it perfectly describes what their lives are about. A man who does not take his penis too seriously is the man who is into more than being the manliest male that has ever walked the planet. He has many different passions in life, and sex is an extension of your relationship, not the center of it.

Can you ever turn a dick-centered man into a normal human male? Absolutely not. No one has ever changed just because someone told them to or wished they would. So, in conclusion, keep you eyes out for the dicks in the world and always make sure that you are never a masturbation machine. Besides, sex is much to much fun to be wasted on dick alone.

Oh, and PS the average size of the male penis is 3.4 inches flaccid, 5 inches erect. Everyone always asks, so I am obliged to answer.

Always,
Your Kinseyette

Jack... and JILL yelling PHIL!

2009-01-16T12:32:00.000-08:00

Jack and Jill are perfect for one another (and I don’t just mean because of their names). They never fight and they seem to bring out the best in one another. The amount a couple fights isn’t always a perfect indication of the health of a relationship, since sometimes people are so afraid of one another that when they do have some serious issues, those issues will not be discussed (which is never a good thing). However, the fact that both Jack and Jill are happy not only on their own, but with each other, means that they have the most successful, fulfilling, and loving relationship possible for them.

That being said, today at lunch I learned a funny story about this power couple. It starts with them having sex, and ends with Jill calling out a name. Not Jack’s name, by the way, but I’m sure you figured that out already. Lets say this other lucky fellow has a name that is Phil, to protect his anonymity (and because Phil obviously rhymes with Jill, keeping the fairytale-like spirit alive). So there was Jack and Jill, mid act, doing their thing, you know, the dirty dirty, when BAM, Jill lets loose a name that is not associated with her boyfriend.

After laughing at choking on my bagel in response to hearing this story, I was able to ask Jack a couple of questions on his reaction. They went along the lines of, “How can you recover from that? What do you do next?!” His responses went along the lines of “You don’t. It was like, alright, see you tomorrow.” In other words, they laughed and lived on.

That got me thinking about the phenomenon of yelling someone else’s name in bed. How does one react to that situation without doing more damage? What causes this sensation? Stereotypically most people would be so thrilled to be having sex that calling out the name of someone you are not in bed with seems hard to do. I have done a little research and have found some personal responses to this very sticky situation. My favorite comes from an anonymous man. His response reflects the event if a man yells out another woman’s name during sex.

“This is a good example of how men if they were completely honest with their girlfriends, would be dumped in seconds. Everyone fantasizes about other people / animals / vegetables / inanimate objects when the lights are off and its completely healthy. Let's face it, having sex with the same person over an extended period of time can become routine and a little mental deviation can add a bit of excitement. I'm sure the first thing all the fellas who watch a Britney Spears video on TV are thinking, 'this is outrageous exploitation of women and I will write a letter complaining about this instant'. I don't think so. They are more likely thinking, 'I hope the girlfriend doesn’t come back too quick from work' and 'where’s the Kleenex'. Men are either pervs or healthy depending on your point of view. If it happens again, have a sense of humor, don’t doubt yourself so much, the guy is with you not her, and give him a slap and tell him if it happens again you will get the cuffs and whips out!! I'm sure that will improve things no end.”

That being said, so I agree with this anonymous male’s opinion? Some of it, yes. I do agree that sometimes sex lives get old and that mental fantasies are a healthy alternative, but that is rarely the case in college students just starting out on their sexual adventurousness.

My opinion? Sometimes brains “fart,” and its no surprise this happens doing something that is so physical and not so intellectual as sex. When you let your thinking brain go and let your body do the talking, there is nothing keeping random thoughts from bursting through your mouth.

How do you deal with it if your partner calls out someone else’s name? Well, firstly, if you can laugh it off then do it. If it is a first time/one time bit, there is nothing to worry about. Do me a huge favor and don’t assume your partner is cheating on you with the person he/she named. The start of accusations is the first sign of a failing relationship. By accusing her you are showing your partner that you don’t fully trust her. Moreover, if you don’t trust her completely, then how can you expect her to trust you?

If every time your partner reaches climax they yell out their bosses name, you may want to consider couples counseling or at least a very serious talk. Again, don’t make sudden accusations, especially mid-copulation, but there is a reason for the continuous outbursts so you should try to figure it out TOGETHER.

If you can’t finish sex after “the event,” don’t worry. Men are sensitive and sometimes after something like this happens, they just cant, well, deliver the way they normally can. The same goes to women, especially because our own personal mental control is what helps us ease into climax to begin with (and alternatively if we are distracted, a successful orgasm is even harder to achieve).

and then he kissed me: an update on Delia and Dakota

2009-01-16T11:25:00.000-08:00

Since last night was a night of many parties, I was sure that there’d be many-a-story to be told in the morning. And oh was I right. From a kiss with some major subtext, to the official labeling of a relationship, the night was filled with some new developments.

So I left off on the story of Delia and Tim with a bit of a stalemate: I was unsure of what was going on, and I think Delia was hesitant to tell me about what had happened. Last night, however, the stalemate ended. To say it ended doesn’t mean that many questions were answered, but that there was initiated contact. And a Kiss ☺ But first, I need to talk about Dakota.

Dakota also had a bit of a night. The guy she’s been seeing (and whom she has strongly been denying is her boyfriend) finally called the relationship official. How did he do it, you ask? Well, because Dakota made us late for the busses to the fraternity party (I am still bitter), we decided to catch a cab. To fill the time, Brock (her something) decided to buy some Boons and wait in the cold for the cab to show up. While walking and talking about who was going to pay for cab fare, Brock stated, “Who is paying?” When Dakota stated that she would, Brock responded with a, “Wow, I am such a moochy boyfriend.” Dakota would’ve missed it, but I sure didn’t. I started coughing uncontrollably, hoping that she would take the hint and rewind, review, and respond to what was just said, but she was oblivious. I explained to her after what had been said, and that was that.

This got me thinking about when the time is right to make a relationship official. In high school things were ALWAYS official. A guy wanting to have a girl as his girlfriend would just ask, “Do you want to go out with me?” and that’d be that. Everyone dated each other in high school, and sometimes being boyfriend/girlfriend just meant you could make out in the parking lot before school and not be judged.

In college, people can hook up, go on dates, and meet each others parents at the Columns Hotel for martini’s and still not call each other the “(insert gender)friend.” The way Brock went about making things official is cute and easy. Brock and Dakota have been seeing each other for a little while before Christmas break, and they get along great. We all figured it was just a matter of time before it happened. By just casually dropping the G word, Brock gently initiated the idea and concurrently made it stick.

Some girls prefer a discussion before the official has become official. These are the kinds of girls that usually “wear the pants,” and there’s nothing wrong with that. So guys, if you have a controlling type-A girl, make sure you discuss with her the idea of being exclusive before making the assumption. Who knows, your future lawyer girlfriend may have a few boyfriends on the side. To bring this up in conversation, simply ask her if she’d mind being called your girlfriend. If that is too awkward, go the Brock way, drop the word when with friends, and if she has a problem with it she will most definitely bring up the issue the next time you are alone. In other words, it can’t hurt.

We left for the party all single ladies, and before we even hit the venue we had a couple.

After we all went to the fraternity party downtown (and I subsequently went home), Delia and a couple of people went to the bar that Tim works for as a bouncer. When they got there, Delia said hi to her almost-something and went along like nothing was different. She told me she felt awkward being so close to him and all I could say was that it is to be expected after such a long period of no communication.

The whole evening they made small talk and small advancements were being made. By the end of the night, it was Delia and Tim in the middle of the Bar. She said that he was very touchy, very feely, and that he even kissed her in front of everyone. After that moment, he brought up the awkward by asking her to text him. She consequently brought up that it was HIM who didn’t respond to HER texts, and therefore he no has the wonderful responsibility to maintain communications.

Guys, if you really like a girl, don’t wait around for her to text you. Traditionally girls tend to wait around for the guy, so don’t make them wait. Girls, if you haven’t gotten a text from a guy your into for a couple of days, send him a little message asking him to PJs or Bruff, or even ask him if he is going to that party this weekend. If all else fails, type an inside joke onto his facebook wall or send him a funny bumpersticker. Make sure he knows you are there, as guys sometimes get so self-conscious about your interest that they would rather prevent embarrassment and not contact you.

After telling me their encounter, Delia seems pretty excited about the whole thing, and I am so happy for her. She deserves to be happy. I’m sure there will be many more developments with them, as well as with everyone.

Always,
Your Kinseyette

sweet home chicago breeds some pretty sweet friends

2009-01-15T13:56:00.001-08:00

So since I have already described to you the protagonists of your journey throughout the sexuality of Tulane University, I think it is time I bring into the picture the people who will put college sex lives into a more national (and at times global) perspective. In this list are people from home, my best of friends from other universities, and those with a more worldy experience of sex. So without further temptation, here they are.

Chelsea is my best friend in the entire world. She is tiny, bubbly, and is always up for the best of times. Whether we are stealing flowers out of dumpsters or singing old songs in my car, I can always count on her to make me smile. The best part of Chelsea isn’t just her happiness: she has never judged me for anything I have ever done, which is a miracle seeing as judgement is usually the first sentiment I get from people when I tell them I want to be a sex therapist. Chelsea sits and listens to my stories about random sexcapades and contributes constantly. Having just gotten out of her longest relationship (which was the catalyst for the loosing of her virginity) means she is officially enjoying her first semester at her midwestern college as a single lady. I can only imagine the types of things she’ll do… and I cannot wait to find out.

Sandi is a talkshow host stuck in the body of a college student. She is always well put together, beautiful, and she is one of the funniest girls I have ever known. She keeps me grounded and is never afraid to compliment anyone (as long as they deserve the compliment :-D ). Sandi is one of those people who can effortlessly float between two groups of friends without any chaos, drama, or discomfort. She is strong, loud, and she is a complete asset in my life. I don't know much about her sex life other than that she has standards when most girls don't. She has promised to keep me updated on all the goings-on with her, with every bit of news and excitement coming from her camp I will grow more and more close to her.

Scarlet goes to school here at Tulane, but she’s been abroad in Europe for the past semester. She left for the eastern hemisphere an average virginal American girl, and came back smarter (and I mean more than just book smart) and more experienced. Her trip to Europe will be told to the envy of me, as I’m sure the same feeling will be felt by you.

Liam is an all-american athlete who has won state championships in the smallest speedo I have ever seen. Besides being a great athlete, he is devastatingly handsome, kind, a talented singer.. and gay. Liam was the first person I had ever known to come out of the closet, and since then I have had trouble controlling my word-vomitous compilation of questions I release upon him. I love learning about how gay sex works, how being one in a gay couple works, and how gays and straights have it easier/harder. Its hard for me to understand what life must be like for him, especially coming from a family of more traditional values. By using Liam as my liaison into the world of homosexuality, I am better equipped to help you boys still struggling with the hinges on your closet door.

Leah is one of my best friends from home. In high school she was prom queen, dance team captain, and at one point my boyfriend broke up with me because he couldn’t stop thinking about her. Right now? She’s pregnant and the tender age of 19 and she’s keeping her baby girl. Her life is set: her baby, soon-to-be husband, and a military life awaits her. What she is going through is the exact opposite of what most people experience here on campus. Her life is amidst a dramatic change that will end with Leah not only being a woman, but a wife and mother as well. Me and Leah have a unique relationship that is based on us both going through very similar personal experiences at a very young age. I feel like I can relate to her in a way that not many other people can, and because of this I feel this connection with her.

Lexi is sweet, adorable, and kind. Having been in a relationship with a younger guy for a while now, she has the whole boyfriend-sex base covered. Its like she’s the married one amongst our home friends. Sometimes it’s hard to share her, since, like most girls, it feels like she’ll chose her boyfriend over us if given the chance. The truth is that she means well, and the fact that she is in a serious committed relationship means I get to give her advice to try some pretty kinky and fun things that most non-committed girls would be hesitant to try.

Well that’s it for now, but I’m sure I’ll be holding another introductory session soon enough ☺

Always,
Kinseyette

speaking of vulvas...

2009-01-15T13:21:00.000-08:00

So for those of you who are interested in the interesting and strange aspects of sexual culture, I have a little present for you.

while in my research for the previous entry, i came upon an internet site advertising the "precious, vaginal odor" of a woman. yes, you read correctly. Vulva is the bottled essence of the female vagina. Interested in getting some? hit up http://www.smellmeand.com/index_2.html (get it? smell me and... com) and see for yourself.

Always
your Kinseyette

Awkward but informative: tips on vaginal health

2009-01-15T10:34:00.000-08:00

So before I begin, I should probably explain some basics about the vagina. Firstly, when people refer to the vagina, they are most likely meaning to describe the vulva. The vulva is what you see from the outside, while the vagina is the inner tubing that the penis goes into and the baby comes out of. The vulva consists of a clitoral hood, the clitoral glans, the labia minora, labia majora, vaginal opening, and the mons pubis.

Wikipedia “vulva” and you will get some very graphic photos of the vulva and all it’s parts, including examples of the shaven and au natural vulva. Very interesting to look at, though I don’t get the point of the real-life photos as opposed to the normal drawings we have seen our whole lives. Not to mention I can’t even imagine how many early-pubescent boys have used that same Wikipedia page to not only explore the female vulva for the first time, but to explore themselves. But enough about that.

One way in which girls have the whole sex organ bit worse off than boys is that the female genetalia is much more likely to get infected than its male counterpart, also known as the penis. So I’ve compiled a couple of hints to keep you (and your kitty) happy and healthy.

Firstly, basic hygiene needs to be observed. That doesn’t mean, however, that you should be washing down there five times a day. In fact that is the opposite of what is suggested by gynecologists. Your vulva should be cleaned with soap once a day at the MOST. You should only use a bland bar or low Ph soaps on your down there area, and never use perfume, lotions, body washes or even shampoo as a special-spot cleanser. When washing your hair, lean over so there isn’t any run off in between your legs. If you don’t have any low Ph soap, just use water. Your vulva and vagina are excellent at cleaning themselves so don’t mess around with the natural flow of things (if you pardon the pun) by putting harsh chemicals on your sensitive areas. Moreover, NEVER scrub down there. It’s hard to change the notion that our sweet spots should be squeaky clean, but to ensure a healthier sex life, some new changes should be taken in stride.

Another act of personal hygiene that is imperative to good vulva health takes place during a different in-bathroom ritual: always wipe from front to back (you KNOW what I am talking about). Butt germs have no business being around your vulva, so don’t let it happen. Also, don’t use baby wipes or powders when you are done doing your thing. The less irritation to the area the better. If god intended your vajayjay to smell like jasmine or pine, you would have a jasmine plant and a pine tree growing out from between your legs.

I shouldn’t even have to say this, but I will just in case you haven’t gotten the memo. Do NOT douche. The chemicals are unbelievably harsh and abrasive and they damage your vulva and vaginal walls. The only time you may douche is if you are just ending your period and you are about to have sex, but do so with just warm water and without the chemical additives.

This may make a few people feel uncomfortable, but it is now my duty as a sex writer to talk about, well to put it bluntly, smells. Ladies, you know what is normal and what is not. Both men and women have sweat and apocrine glands embedded in their genatalia and when the owner of said genetalia experiences stress, the glands release some olfactory surprises that may not be pleasant. It is normal for vulvas to smell musky, it is not normal for them to smell bad. So if you experience some odors that are not normal, it may be time to make that dreaded but needed appointment with your gynocologist.

One common and mostly unknown cause of certain smells (that is completely normal) is what happens when a sexual relationship first begins. As his junk gets used to your junk, sometimes new and unexpected smells can be experienced. Don’t worry, its nothing bad and it is in no way a precursor to a bad relationship. Our bodies just need to get used to one another and this is one sign of that acclamation.

Now that we have gone over basic hygiene, it’s time we turn to how you dress your now clean lady bits. In our day and age, the panty line show is a fasion faux pas that few people can get away with without criticism. It is because of this that thongs are all the rage. Many people, when the choice is between wearing a thong, a pad, and going commando, usually choose the thong or putting a pad inside their pants sans underwear. I am here to tell you that both of those choices are not as good at the third: please please ladies, if contemplating the choice, go commando. Thongs are very abrasive and actually tear up the vulva. Pads tend to trap in moisture and they irritate the vulva as well.

Going commando is prescribed for many women, especially those prone to yeast infections. By sleeping without underwear and letting your lower parts breathe, you increase circulation to the area and in turn, increase the health of your sex trove.

If you can’t go commando, wear 100% cotton underwear. Don’t be confused by nylon underwear with cotton crotches because they trap moisture regardless. If you wear pantyhose, try using the thigh high models that keep your v-spot free and airy. When you wash your underthings, use mild, unscented soap and detergents. Don’t use dryer sheets on your underwear because they deposite a filmy residue that can be rubbed off onto skin.

Now that you know how to clean, dress, and all-together take care of your most sensitive and special place, turn the lesson into practice and take your panties off.

Always,
Your Kinseyette

my poor roommate: why i watch porn

2009-01-14T14:38:00.001-08:00

Over the development of my sexual identity, I have been a skeptic, a neophyte, and even a die-hard feminist. I have questioned my beliefs, sanity, and even my sexuality. I have read and interpreted so many views of Feminism and sex that sometimes it is difficult to differentiate my own beliefs and thoughts from those of Mary Wollstonecraft, Kinsey, Lucy Stone, and even Abigail Adams.

It is time to stay honest. And what am I going to be talking about so truthfully? What opinions am I going to express? To help juxtapose my truth with a modern and accessible institution, I am going to talk about video pornography. I will be talking not out of my ass, but from my own opinions. It just so happens, maybe unfortunately, that my opinions go against most of the opinions i have been provided with throughout my academic career as a feminist. Some might see that as a problem: I only see an opportunity. I am going to describe my own feeling towards video pornography, as well as how I feel this media fits into the modern feminist perspective of the world.

Before I even go on, I must explain a few things. Firstly, I realize that throughout the rest of this essay I will use the term “sexual aberrations” several times. I want to clarify what I mean by this. I do not mean that having uniquely sexual fantasies or having fetishes is a bad thing, because it is not at all. Who is to judge anybody today and say his or her differences are negative. I only use the term as a describer for the idea of sexual fantasies, fetishes, and practices that are outside the societal norm today. Moreover, I feel the need to describe the title of this essay. My roommate is “poor” because she has had to spend the last couple nights in our room, trying to do chemistry homework while I have porn on high volume blaring on my computer screen. It didn’t take long before she began to elect doing her chemistry in the library instead.

So lets get down to the dirty stuff: What is pornography, and why is it so controversial? The history of pornography starts with the name: pornography literally means the written record of a prostitute. Pornography may be defined as a number of different medias, including printed literature, photos, sculpture, drawing, painting, animation, sound recording, film, video, and videogames. Ironically, sex shows and stripping are not considered pornography since “live action” is excluded form the definition. It isn’t hard to understand why pornography, especially certain types of video pornography, is controversial. Watching others have sex via video pornography, no matter how arousing, embarrasses populations of people. I should say especially if it is arousing. People have an uncanny ability to deny what arouses them.

There have been many movements that are geared towards the abolition of pornography. It isn’t a matter of selective abolition, like the anti child-pornography crusades (which I completely agree with). Anti-porn groups are stripping the legitimacy of large mainstream porn companies and helping aid the definition of porn as a dirty, violence and sex-crime creating institution. Porn stars are considered whores (which by definition they are) and the porn industry is considered an anomaly: an anomaly that grosses billions of dollars each year. In fact, the porn industry has been deemed one of the only institutions not affected by the current economic recession.

So, in a world in which porn is as easy to find as a recipe to bake classic-style chocolate chip cookies, what’s with all the uproar? One could state religion, but arguing with religion is just too complicated. The largest argument against porn is actually the idea that violent porn and other original genre porn leads to sexual aberrations and violent behaviors. Moreover, women feel threatened by pornography because they deem is as a standard too high to achieve, both physically and, well, actually. I’ll touch on that later.

While I do believe that viewers of violent porn probably have a tendency towards violence to begin with, I do not think that porn industries should be punished. In fact, I applaud the video porn industry for furthering the sexual revolution. I wholeheartedly do not feel that pornography should be outlawed or deemed inappropriate for the public because I think that pornography is a healthy thing, a necessity that prevents violence by letting it’s viewers live out certain fantasies in a safe environment that may be inappropriate or even dangerous in real life.

Many people have been able to live out their secret sexual fantasies through pornography, and how could that ever be a bad thing? Vicarious fulfillment of fantasy is a much better alternative than first-hand experience, especially when the fantasy revolves around violence towards women. It is when fantasy and reality converge that violence occurs.

I once read in an old psychology today that new studies had been published stating that dreams are the body’s way of living out its own personal goals that it knows will not come true. Ever had a dream about winning the lottery? That is your body’s way of living out that fantasy so you can feel fulfilled and you wont drop out of work and pursue a career as a professional lotto player. Dreams help ease obsessions, guilt, and even pain. People have dreams about those who have died and the pain is alleviated; you have a dream you got an A on a test so you stop stressing. In my opinion, pornography is the dream of sexual aberrations. Pornography is how people with this yearning and desires deal with the pain of not being able to experience what they truly want to experience first hand.

People will go to great lengths to satisfy their sexual desires. For example, lets look at the case of Mr. Hands. Mr. Hands is the online handle for a man made famous by dying living out his own personal sexual fantasy. Mr. Hands, or Kenneth Pinyan, was just an average American man who enjoyed engaging in sexual activities with full-sized stallions. He would occasionally film his nights with horses and he would distribute these videos among other people who felt the same sexual urge, but didn’t want to risk having sex with horses. One night, the sex went wrong and Pinyan was fatally injured. My point in this story is that it is much safer and “more socially acceptable” to watch someone else have sex with a horse than to try it yourself. For example, in today’s society, violence in men is supported, but when a man wants to pick a fight in a socially acceptable situation, he takes up boxing. He uses the non-social behavior and conforms it to a more socially acceptable one. The same could be said for men and women who watch pornography.

Porn, like most things in life, can only be what the person experiencing it makes of it. For example, who would’ve though those Beatles songs would elicit such a strong response in Charles Manson to the point that he would condone and practice murderous activities? The argument against porn is the same as the argument against violent television and movies. In my own opinion, and this may piss off a lot of people, I truly believe that it takes something from within someone to take a vicarious experience and wish to make it a real one. Don’t get me wrong, there have been many times that I’ve watched movies about an action hero or a drug addict and wished I could either fight crime or live the life of a strung-out loser, but there is always apart of me that says, “this isn’t real.”

Many will argue that violent porn, or “rape” porn contributes to the violence that is geared towards women. While I do agree that if interpreted incorrectly this might be the case, I want to clear up how easy it is to not make that mistake. Most violent porn videos are clearly not intended to be offensive, and most have the word “Fantasy” in the title. The porn industry doesn’t want to condone violence; it is just a supply and demand chain that demands the supply of more and more violent pornography.

In Judith Lorber’s essay “Night to his Day:” the Social Construction of Gender, Lorber examines the idea that gender (like culture itself) is in fact human made and it depends wholly on everyone “doing gender.” She also says “genders are not attached to a biological substratum.” This is most clearly seen in transvestites and transsexuals constructing their chosen gender by “doing” it: walking, talking, acting, and dressing like their desired gender. This gender construction starts, according to Lorber, at birth and on the basis of what their genitals look like. This is called “sex category.” After this fateful discovery, the baby itself is made into their “gender status” by dress, name, and adorations. Pink is the color for girls, while blue is the color for boys; I’ve known that rule my entire life.

It is this idea of GENDER, of being able to experience sex as ANOTHER GENDER that makes porn so appealing. By watching pornography, a girl can live vicariously through the male character as well as the female character. Women can explore their own sexuality by experimenting with lesbian porn, and the same could be said for men and gay porn. To clarify, just because you are gay and enjoy heterosexual porn does not make you a closeted heterosexual: that is the point of pornography; it is a fantasy world where you can be whoever you want and have sex with whomever, however, and whenever you want.

The beauty ideal of pornography can be defined as a genre of beauty. In video porn, the women are always beautiful with big chests, flat stomachs, and perfect teeth and hair. Some women argue that porn makes an unrealistic image and goal of women that can never be achieved, and therefore it is a bad thing. They say that they make men feel that what is beautiful is a sexually aggressive woman. I argue that it is the complete opposite. I much rather my boyfriend or husband watch porn with a perfect blonde bimbo he know he can never have then actually run around in real life. I keep repeating myself but this is a point I am trying to drive home: pornography is a fantasy, and sometimes fantasies have a way of trying to become realities. By living out fantasies vicariously, we can help prevent real-life issues from happening.

I am not naive. I know that child porn is inappropriate, and that encouragement of desensitization, human trafficking, and dehumanization is wrong. My goal is to not support the previous discrepancies: I only want to share my beliefs. For me it is as simple as this: Why should anyone feel like his or her sexual aberrations are anything but normal? Sex itself is an activity that is exactly what the doer makes of it. It’s ambiguous and it comes in so many sizes, shapes, and forms. I believe that it is this fundamental thought, the idea of being able to be yourself in a way that makes you happy, that is an important aspect of feminism and in life itself. I have learned so much in my academic career, but most importantly I have learned that it is ok, nay, it is imperative, that I stick up for what I believe in no matter what the odds are or no matter what the subject. I feel like when I stick up for myself, for my beliefs, for my body, and for my morals, I am being the best feminist I can be. By juxtaposing this feminist ideal to the idea of pornography, how could there even be any bad taste left in your mouth? Sex can be violent, sex can be creepy, and sex can be lovely. Sex can also be a fantasy, and this fantasy is what drives the pornography business to success. As long as there are sexual aberrations and unique fetishes, the porn industry will always reign supreme. Judge not thy neighbor, because you can never be too sure when something strange and unusual might turn you on, too.

i promise we'll all get another chance

2009-01-13T22:25:00.001-08:00

Dean is my ex boyfriend. Our relationship is akin to hell and after two and a half years of dealing with the drama I have officially decided to move on. Thinking about why I finally made the decision is the topic of this post. Before I explain the relationship, I should probably explain Dean.

Dean is the kind of guy that most people are afraid of. He is big and hulking. He has a shaven head and doesn’t smile very often. I thought he was a complete tool before I got to know him, and even then it took me a little while to get past his “mean” demeanor. Getting to know Dean was like getting to know myself. I fell in love fast and hard.

I met dean in gym glass my senior year of high school. I was on the dance team, and he was on football. I had just come out of my first real relationship and my heart was still mending. Dean seemed like the answer to the question that kept haunting me: will I ever be happy? We started dating almost right away, and our relationship was solid all the way through football season.

Soon after football play-offs Dean dumped me on the snow-covered hills in my backyard. I was heartbroken and cried for weeks. The only problem was that even though we were broken up, we had this undeniable physical chemistry that kept pulling us together. Whether it was sneaking over to his apartment during open lunch or making out before poms practice, whenever we were alone, Dean and I couldn’t stay off each other. Now though I am a fan of friends-with-benefits relationships (especially when they are pure and true), the only problem was that I was still in love with him, and he couldn't care less about my feelings.

After graduation, Dean enlisted in the Marines and I set out to go to college. While I was starting at Tulane, Dean was going through Marine Corps boot camp. We sent each other letters constantly and based on what we both wrote to one another, I figured that when he got out we were going to get back together. It took about a month of drama and tears, but I was right: soon enough we were facebook official and I was so content. I should’ve taken it as a bad sign when I was surprised that things were so great. We said “I love you” and he even talked about getting married to me. I was the happiest I had ever been.

I knew it was too good to be true though. I knew Dean more than anyone else, and I knew that deep down he would think of a reason to end things with me once we got too close. Again, I was right.

So here I am. Dean is on deployment to Iraq and even though I want to be there for him through this difficult time, he wants nothing to do with me. He wants me to believe that he doesn’t need me, that he can do things on his own. For two and a half years, all I have done is wait on him hand and foot, putting him before me, my family, my life, and even my happiness. And now I have nothing to show for it but old pictures and his rusty dogtags.

Why the hell did I do this? I’m a smart girl, how could I let this happen to me? What was I thinking when I took someone who wasn’t worth it and judged my own personal worth by him?

For a while I was afraid that Dean was “the one,” that nothing like what we had would ever happen to me ever again. I see now how childish that Idea is. Nothing in this universe happens just once. Nothing. Infinity goes in both direction. There is no unique event, no singular moment. That means you'll get another chance. That means we’ll all get another chance.

In other words, don't ever let anyone make you feel like nothing better will ever come a long. I promise you from my heart that you, like I, will get another chance. And it will be greater and more incredible than either of us could’ve ever imagined.

Keep your head up, and keep your standards high. You deserve it.

Always,
Your Kinseyette

All work and no play is never the way

2009-01-13T11:33:00.000-08:00

So Delia had been keeping in touch with me heavily over the couple of days before winter break because her recent relationship development had grown some insecurity and a bit of crazy. She had just hooked up with a bouncer at one of the very popular bars off campus, and emotions are sky-high. “I’m not the relationship type,” she tells me, “but I don’t know what’s going on with us.” The truth is that she didn't want to go on winter break and spend a month away from Tim thinking about him if he wont be thinking about her.

To understand their situation, I ask her some questions. They go along the lines of, when you hooked up who initiated it, how often do you talk, and what do you talk about? Her responses went along the lines of, I’m not sure (does that matter?!), all day long (when we aren’t texting we’re talking on the phone and when we aren’t doing THAT we’re together), and about everything.

I then get into the explanation: it's a really good thing that they are talking often. It is a good sign that shows the relationship isn't just about the physical, as a lot of times that is the case. I am not saying that really successful relationships can't develop from the physical, but the best relationships are based on a foundation of good communication.

I then drove on the the issue of who initiated the hook up. the truth is, who initiated doesn’t even matter. Men sometimes get turned on by the aggressive woman and then there are the times when men like being a Spartan. With new flings, especially ones like Delia’s in which “talking” has occurred for weeks prior to the event, hesitation is most likely due to nerves and the hardcore anticipation that has been building up. Delia and Tim had been talking a lot since one of our sorority parties ended with them meeting. The anticipation of a hook up was always in the back of their minds, so it is no wonder that when the time actually came no one knew where to start.

Johnny put it like this: “It’s like, when you have to pee really bad and you finally get to and you get all ready, unzip your pants (you’ve been thinking about this piss for a while now) and all of a sudden, it’s like performance anxiety. You just. Cant. Piss!”

My girlfriends always complain about who kissed who first, and I am here to tell you to not even think about it. It’s a non-event, move on to more important things to micromanage (like what he means by “luv ya” in a text message).

The real reason behind Delia’s worry is that she’s never had a boyfriend of any kind, and she doesn’t know what to expect and what is to be expected. You shouldn’t know what is going on, especially this early in a relationship. Anything can happen! You guys are just figuring out what is going on and you both aren’t even sure if you really like each other. In college, boys look and act a whole lot different when out from under the lights of the Boot. The same goes for girls, especially those who always wear spanks and water bras.

Another big issue with Delia is that she is a virgin, and Tim is a lot older. Being a virgin is never a bad thing, unless it is not what you want, and i get the feeling that with Delia, it isn't what she wants. I’m fairly certain that if given the chance, Delia would jump at the chance of getting jumped. It's difficult when new relationships start getting physical because it is a natural thing to think about if sex is going to happen. That alone can lend more pressure to the budding relationship and a lot of times that pressure causes a self-combustion.

Between starting a new relationship and dealing with personal insecurities, drama ensues and people tend to get jaded by all of the different options of opportunity laid out before them.

All of this happened with Delia before winterbreak. My advice to her was just to go on vacation, relax, see what happens, and to let things sort themselves out. Everyone needs time apart, and the saying “Distance makes the heart grow fonder” is usually true. Even me and my roommate needed the time of winterbreak to relax and reboot after a semester of stress and chaos. Now it’s mid-january and I haven’t heard much about tim from delia and I’m assuming that the whole situation is a non-event.

My point in telling Delia’s story is to stress the importance of not taking new relationships too seriously. If either party jumps in too quickly and seriousness is the everyday reality, eventually the all work no play atmosphere will cause the relationship to implode. In other words, don’t sweat the small stuff, especially in the beginning. If he doesn’t call, it could mean that he is busy, or that he just isn’t interested. Don’t take it personally and don’t think it’s your fault. Sometimes, things happen for no reason other than the timing is off. SO breathe, relax, and don’t forget to have some fun.

in the beginning...

2009-01-12T22:11:00.001-08:00

So let’s start at the beginning of the physical relationship… besides, we can’t get to all of the fun stuff if we still haven’t covered all the basics, now can we?

KISSING: most people remember their first kiss even when they don’t remember their first lay. Even more interesting is the notion that kissing a partner on the lips is usually a more profound emotional statement than kissing them below the belt (no matter how much the later might be appealing).

Women who cheat on their husbands find it harder to kiss their hot and sexy pool boy than just screw him. Moreover, when relationships first start to go downhill, the cease of oral to oral action usually signifies the turn of events.

Why is this? Why does kissing play such an important role in our emotional and sexual happiness? Well, one of the reasons is because four of your five major senses are found on the face: touch, smell, vision, and taste (hearing being in the head with your ears, not necessarily on the face like your skin, mouth, eyes, and nose). It’s no surprise that an area so easily stimulated by the different senses would bring such intimacy.

My advice to you? Make out with someone tonight. Make out like you are fifteen again. It is perfectly normal and healthy to just give your tongue a little practice without any thought to the other erogenous zones of your body. In fact, a man usually learns how to pleasure these other zones by practicing with his tongue in your mouth.

If you are ever unsure of how to kiss your partner, ask him/her/himher to kiss you the way that they themselves want to be kissed. Sit back, relax, and revel in the kisses. Not only will you still be getting some playing time, but you will also be picking up some technique pointers to satisfy your other half.

Don’t forget the other parts of the face while spending time on the mouth. The eyelids, ears, noses, foreheads and cheeks are wonderful places to lay your kisses, and don’t forget the inspiration for the term “necking” : the neck (duh).

Want some other wickedly awesome places to kiss? Well today is your lucky day. Through my readings I’ve compiled a list of places that will bring flush to even the most prude of faces.

Firstly, don’t forget the obvious: nipples, mouth, face, blah blah blah. Good places, always reliable, easy to find.

Make sure you try the stomach and the belly button. Now girls, I know this might be hard because almost all of us don’t feel that we look like Heidi Klum. If you are too self-conscious, do it to your man, but I can promise you that self-consciousness is a self-made issue.

The back, lower back, and upper butt areas are great for kisses. It is sensual and sexy, and these kisses can lead to some mad serious foreplay in the lower regions.

According to my favorite book, anywhere that the skin folds will be extra sensitive and a good place to put your mouth. This includes where your knee bends, the inside of your elbow, underneath your breasts, between fingers/toes, behind ears, even armpits (but be careful with the last one).

And though this isn’t a location, I just wanted to bring up the addition of biting. Do it, it’s hot. Now, don’t go all “twilight” on me and bite so hard you leave marks. A light nibble on large muscle groups or a rub of the teeth along nipples or the inner upper thigh is a plus, but drawing blood is never okay. In other words, stop acting like Edward and use your teeth as a tool for arousal, not a weapon.

My last piece of advice? Boys and girls, don’t swallow each other’s faces. Take out the gum for now, and make sure you breathe. Oh, and please swallow… I don’t want to feel like I am drinking your saliva during our make-out session.

Always,
Your Kinseyette

Let me tell you about my friends

2009-01-12T19:48:00.000-08:00

Let me introduce you to some of my friends, seeing as they will help me help you and every good relationship starts with a base of mutual character understanding.

Alina, a senior here at Tulane, is the epitome of Girl. Except for that she hangs out with a bunch of boys. Like, all of the time. She’s beautiful but insecure and she has these breakdowns that jolt me so hard I end up depressed by the end of them. She, like many girls, has had bad luck with men on our campus, and as of now she is questioning herself instead of questioning the male student body of Tulane. We buy ice cream for each other and watch bad television. In other words, she’s my best friend.

Kennedy is my year and is one of the most well-liked people on the entire campus. No one has anything bad to say about her, and her laugh is infectious. She, like me, has an affinity for student athletes and drinking at the boot bar at odd hours of the day. She is lovable, kind, and doesn’t mind my brand of beer. OR watching football with me.

Elli is the kind of girl you would expect to see inside the J.Crew catalogue. Its because of this that she is responsible for my sorority looking the best it can. She is funny and loud and laughs so hard she makes everyone else laugh with her. When I first met her I was completely afraid of her. It wasn’t until I realized that she is as human as I am that our friendship began to blossom. She’s a virgin and when I told her about this blog she acknowledged that writing about her non-sex life may be a difficulty. But after thoughtful consideration I have come to the conclusion that non-sex stories are just as, if not more, interesting than those that include wonderful copulation scenes.

Dakota is beautiful, intelligent, and a complete maneater. Don’t get me wrong, If I looked like her I’d go through men two at a time as well. Her problems with men revolve around the fact that she plays games and they fall in love with her instantly. She recently came out of a very long relationship, just to jump right into another one.

Delia is strong, sarcastic, and brutally honest. She is always a good person to have around because if you have something in your teeth or you say something stupid, she will not hesitate to tell you. Never having a relationship in the past, Delia is like a neophyte and all of her experiences with men are new and strange and scary. When I talk about sex I can see the discomfort on her face, but she is always a good sport. She has turned out to be one of my best friends.

Benjy is one of my best friends. After being abroad for a semester, he has come back to Tulane still a southern boy and still a virgin. He is a Christian, and doesn’t fail to preach the gloriousness that is Jesus Christ. Just because he is saving himself for marriage doesn’t mean Benjy doesn’t have fun. He is a brother in a prominent fraternity and Many-a-times I have gotten a late night phone call or a morning-after discussion about the without-sex sexcapades that occurred previously. I am in love with him and he has no idea.

Johnny is my other best guy friend. Student athlete, unbelievable raging flirt, and a borderline alcoholic. He is what I would think I would be like if I were a boy. He spits, swears, makes strange noises, and calls me babe. Most of our nights revolve around hanging out in front of the television, drinking beer and debating the phenomenon of “cum facials.” Our relationship is the kind that might be associated with the brother-sister phenomenon. For me it feels like a coke bottle that is slowly being shaken: sooner or later it is going to explode.

Well, now that you know everything about some of the people I’ll be talking about, there is nothing keeping me from diving into the not-so-secret lives of university students.

Enjoy ☺
Your kinseyette

a late but worthy introduction

2009-01-12T15:08:00.000-08:00

So every good relationship is built on a platform of trust and honesty. Because of this, I am going to be, to the discomfort of some, brutally honest.

To start: It’s been about, 35 seconds since I’ve though about sex. And that’s only because I’ve been trying to open Microsoft word on my Mac with 25 widgets running on my dock screen. Honestly, since we are going with honesty right now, I think about sex most of the day. If I’m not thinking about it, I’m reading about it, talking about it, writing about it, doing it (whoa), or watching it on my computer.

“Who is this girl?” You might be asking…. Well, I’ll start with the basics, since no trusting healthy relationship can develop without the basics being known. My name is Kinseyette and I am a sexaholic. No, I don’t mean that I am addicted to the act of copulation, sex, intercourse, doing the dirty dirty or whatever you like to call it. It just means that sex and the mechanics that drive us towards “doing it” fascinates me. It fascinates me to the point that I have decided to dedicate my academic life to understanding the three little letter word that rocks relationships and topples empires.

Sex is more than something you do: It’s something you learn about, something you talk about, something you think about, and sometimes, it’s something that makes you feel really uncomfortable.

Sex is one of the few true equalizers: it knows no race, gender, or socioeconomic status. You can be blonde, a ginger, you can have big feet, small teeth… Even the heaviest recorded man on the earth still reached climax and orgasm, though his sexual partner probably had to do a lot of searching to even find his member.

Every human on the earth, aside from a few unique but completely acceptable and workable exceptions, has the tools necessary to have sex and the proper hormones and chemicals to make the magic happen.

Sex creates life. Doesn’t that blow your mind when you think about it? Sex. Creates. Life. Ponder that, and revel in the beauty that is our bodies.

So, everyone can have sex, everyone’s bodies are made for sex, we all want it, talk about it, dream about it, and complain if we aren’t getting it. Darwin himself would argue that if you aren’t interested in sex, you really shouldn’t be breathing since you’re a failure of evolution. Not to mention “that’s what she said” is the catch phrase of our generation.

So why, I ask, is sex still such a taboo subject in our society today? Why are people so afraid to ask questions to improve their sex lives because they are afraid of what people might think?

That’s where I come in. I, if you haven’t picked up on this already, am not embarrassed nor afraid of sex talk. In fact, in encourage it. I am not afraid to do the research, to ask the questions, or to surf hard core porn sites to find the answer to any question.

For example: did you know that the term “Gonzo” is a term used to describe porn without any plot line? You know, the kind where sex doesn’t happen on the moon or on the president’s desk but in a bed with bad lighting? No silver make-up, no clever name (like Genie in a String Bikini), no nothing but sex. Now THAT is Gonzo! What can I say? You learn something new everyday.

I want to be your liaison into the world of sex and relationships. I want to do the dirty work for you (pun intended) so that you can find exactly what you are looking for.

The truth is that sex is an important part of any relationship, so when I talk about sex I am also talking about relationships. Given, relationships shouldn’t be all physical and there are many generalities about sex that do not transfer to my advice about relationships (i.e. role play is awesome in bed, but outside the bedroom you should not be acting like a naughty school teacher. Unless, of course, you are in fact a school teacher. Who is naughty. Then in that case, go right ahead with yo naughty self). What I will be talking about is friendships, relationships, sexual relationships, and even completely platonic relationships (which, I’ll talk about later, always end up in one party falling in love while the other is blissfully unaware). Through the relationships I observe around me parallels will be drawn between what I study, what I know, and what I see. So turn on your favorite naughty film, light a couple candles, and enjoy the read.

Men, manicures, and the assumption of homosexuality

2008-12-26T11:54:00.000-08:00

So I'm sitting here, getting my toe nails all buffed and shined, when a man walks in to get his nails done. He walked in slowly but confidently, argyle-clad chest in the air and perfect teeth a-smilin'.

Gay. First the word that popped into my head. Then it systematically repeated itself: gay gay gay gay gay. Normally that in-head assumption doesn't bother me. My gaydar is pretty much in top notch working order, what with some of my best male friends being the "flaming" type of homo always ready to point out "one of their own."

Somehow this was different; he looked at me and instead of smiling he checked out my rack. Ok, so I have big boobs. The gays love 'em too. It wasn't until i overheard the way he spoke to his manicurist that he caught my attention: he was verbally replaying the hot date he had just gone on with his older, beautiful FEMALE business partner.

I figured he was kidding, but after listening (incredulously) to him, I realized: if he was flaming anything it was soley heterosexuality.

So there I was, a student studying sex, gender, and all the combinations of them, unbelievably questioning my own assumptions of sexuality. This aparent heterosexual? He was just a man who liked to have clean hands and trimmed nail beds. I Was the foolish one to jump to conclusions based on his "feminine" beauty ritual. And you'd think I'd know better!!

With even more thought I hypothesized that maybe his overly obvious displays of sexuality (checking out my rack, talking just loud enough that the whole salon could hear him discuss the blonde beauty he banged) was his way of asserting his non-gay self-identity. Men do it all the time. They cry at movies and then pick fights with you to re-establish their masculinity. They tell you they love you then they distance themselves so you don't think they're a "pussy."

This assumption that males performing things that are feminine are gay is archaic and no longer relevant. Look at the metrosexual movement, for example. Gender bending and role reversals only began when men started showering daily with Dove and applying lipgloss.

Here's my advice:

Ladies, don't discount a man you think is gay just because he gets his eyebrows waxed or likes to put coverup on his blemishes. He'll look prettier, you'll have a prettier man, and in return you'll feel prettier. It's pretty much a win-win.

Men, get your nails done. Sure, girls like me will assume you're gay, but thats easily fixed. All you gotta do is talk about a real (or imagined) heterosexual sexcapade and no one will go further in their assumptions.

Not to mention, when a woman sees a man with clean and soft hands, there's not much she can do to prevent the inevitable thought of what they'd feel like on her body :-)

One day there will be no assumptions about sexuality because sexuality won't matter. Women will "have sex like men" and men will openly cry and the word "lez" or "homo" won't even be thought. Until then, embrace what you are.

Talk to you soon

Your KINSEYette

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